Vanity

Hello to the one person who might be reading this. So glad you could stop by! I'm glad I'm not just typing for no reason.

So, my arm and shoulder are still pretty sore and painful, and I bought this wondrous invention called the TheraCane at my chiropractor. It is awesome. I feel effervescent when I use it. Well, that's not true. At all. It just feels good.

Speaking of effervescent, I had Dom Perignon one time. Only one time. It was quite effervescent but to my (then) untrained palate, tasted like a 3 dollar bottle of Asti Spumanti. It may have even been more effervescent. You know what I DON'T like? Non-effervescent champagne.

I have to go becaue the IKEA catalog just got here, and I'm giddy with excitement over it. Oh, and I have to go to see Kathy Griffin. Can't wait!

The School Year Will Simply Have to be Postponed

Here's the deal: the school district, in it's infinite wisdom has decided to rip apart our school and replace some crap. I don't even know what. However, we cannot get into our classrooms and school starts in a few weeks. I don't know about other teachers, but I take a bit of time to get my room the way I want it. Plus, I have a theme, and I have all this junk laying around here waiting to take up to school, AKA: the demolition zone.

People say: "Don't worry, we'll get it done...." Oh REEEEEALLY? How exactly? We aren't allowed in our classrooms! My telepathic or transporting or whatever you call it abilities are not up to snuff at the moment.

And this all reminds me that 1. I freakin' LOVE summer since I became a teacher, and 2. I freakin' LOVE summer. Hot? Bring it. We're in Texas, so it's hot all the time, anyhow. Humid? Fine with me. It's either here or visiting relatives in Florida. Teeny bit humid there.

Which reminds me: I need to travel again. Badly. And I NEED a Birkin! I really am beginning to think this is a necessity. Which proves I'm not in my right mind. Google Hermes Birkin and see whatcha get. Yeah. I know. Insane.

Sanford has been on my case continually about the stupid cell phones. He can't operate anything that was made after the year 1345, so he cannot operate his. He never has been able to. He needs a sundial to strap around his wrist. He thinks answering machines will steal his soul. He finds things like washing new sheets and clothes and towels before they are used to be "weird". He has sideburns like it's still 1973(which it is, in his head). He can't give directions worth a damn. "Proceed approximately 469 yards east to the 200 block of Crazy Street. Turn west at the T intersection of Crazy and Lunatic Avenue. The mall is in the 600 block on the Northsouth side of the roadway." Seriously. Give me a landmark: say something like "It's behind the Jason's Deli" or something like that. Dont' give me block numbers and cardinal directions for the love of Pete. I have a GPS for that, and that damned thing tried to make us turn on the bridge that goes over the Potomac River in D.C. "Turn right...ding ding!" Well, if we had it would have been an epic mistake. Believe me. He was getting on my case about being irresponsible with money so I just wrote the word "EXPENSIVE" on a piece of paper in red crayon and gave it to him and told him to just hold it up in front of his face so I could see the word everytime he saw me. It will save him a lot of talking. It will have as much effect, too. Nutjob.

But, I'm going to see Kathy Griffin tomorrow night! Yay! Open bar after party! Woot! Sanford is my Designated Driver! This means we'll never make it home alive. The show is in Austin and we live about an hour away. We are doomed to circle the Capital of Texas for weeks or until the car runs out of gas because he won't be able to find the freeway. If this happens, send out a search party.

We'll be in the 400 block of Homicide Highway. It T intersects Crazedexcop Road.

Beach Reads

One of my favorite Twitter people has just put up their Beach Reads list. It's great...and summer is winding down! Find out what you should read while smelling the ocean and listening to the seagulls steal your Fritos!

http://www.flashlightworthybooks.com/category/Best-Beach-Reads/126?fromhome=1

So Here's the Thing:

My shoulder is slowly killing me. However, I have to get 5 chapters ready to send to an agent. Blessing? YES! Scary as hell? YES!

A couple of things I love:

Kathy Griffin
Ghosthunters
Writing
80s New Wave music
Ice cream
Family
Florida Gators
Spas and all they entail unless it entails me getting slathered with something disgusting and laying on a table and getting showered on a morgue like table. Do my fingernails or toenails or hair or a massage or facial? I'm down. Otherwise, not so much.

A Couple of things I do not love:

Rachel Zoe and her like, project I die.
Lying
Not being able to have an Hermes Birkin right this very minute. I don't think I could talk Wally into $60,000.00 for a purse
Seeing a guy's manly bits while waiting for a massage in the "quiet" room at a spa. ATTENTION DUDES: If you are naked under a robe that opens in the front, please don't sit down and let your legs splay apart like you usually do. You don't have to sit all fancy pants, but PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SHOW EVERYONE YOUR CASH AND PRIZES!

Okay. Finished for now.

I Take No Pride In This

but it's the truth. I am addicted to the "Real Housewives of New Jersey". I do not want detox, either. I love it. My husband is now addicted, as well. I am so wrapped up in the lives of those women I talk about them all the time. I feel the same about Bethenny from the New York version.

I must say the DC version is looking interesting. There is some girl who claims to have grown up with the Kennedys, some vague European woman who is called a "bitch" on the commercial, but seriously, she was rude saying Americans have no manners. Of course, the kid who responded by calling her a bitch sorta proved her point for her.

Now, it's almost time for me to return to work. How will I do without my daylong marathons? I must now go, because it's time to watch Danielle and Kim G. get in a fight!

Beginning of Success?

I forgot to tell in my last post:

I have had a response from two agencies for my writing. I am researching them to see which I like. Plus, I have several others I'm waiting on. Two in one week, a few days after submitting, not too bad.

Now, I'm also working on essays for some literary magazines.

Can't Think of a Catchy Title For This One

Okay, so I have had horrible back and neck problems for a few years. I was told it was progressive and not really treatable because of the proximity of the problem to my spinal cord. Pretty much it's agony. I get a spinal block every couple of months, and that is just slapping a band aid on it, and it eventually becomes ineffective. Well, it became ineffective. Out of desperation, I made an appointment with a chiropractor. My Mom always told me they were "quacks" and couldn't do anything. Well, that's a load of crap. (Sorry, Mom.)

They xrayed the hell out of me and did nothing much else the first visit except have me do things the neurologist had me do a million times. (by the way, the x ray machine has something called a "gonad" cover. Tee hee...) I went in to my follow up appointment, and I had an "adjustment", it felt good. I got put on a machine that pulled on my skull, it felt FABULOUS, and I had electrical impulses on my back muscles and shouler muscles. Felt like nothing. I do have to tell you though, my pain is almost entirely GONE after ONE visit. I will be going 3 times a week, and I am looking forward to every single visit. There is my glowing testimonial. It works. That's all I know.

Okay, the weird thing about my first visit: the staff was very nice, very solicitous and professional. After I saw the chiropractor, one of the staff had to xray me. She also had to have me walk with my eyes shut(fell over almost..how embarrassing), I had to close my eyes and march in place with my arms stretched out in front of me. Terribly humiliating. Try doing that in flip flops sometime. I don't care who you are. But then, when it came time to xray me, the lady got all strange. She was telling me what to take off and what to leave on. I'm pretty modest about you know running around naked, but in a doctor's office or massage place, I sorta expect I'm going to have to get naked or partially naked, right? The girl was telling me to remove all clothing from the waist down. I said, "Okay." She said, "You can leave on your shirt and bra." I said, "Okay." She said, "You have to take off your bra, though. You can leave on your shirt." I said, "Wait, what? Leave on or take off the bra?" she said, "Yes." Uhhhh...Okay. I tried again. "So, I basically need to undress completely?" She said, "Well, it depends on what you are comfortable with." I said, "I'm good with whatever...just tell me what I need to do..." She said, "Here you have to put these on.." and she handed me a pair of like athletic stretchy shorts. I said, "so, put these on?" She said, "Yes. If you're comfortable with that." I said, "I'm comfortable with whatever is needed, just tell me." She said, "Okay, take off everything but put these shorts on." I said, "So, naked except for these shorts and my flip flops? I don't really care, but that will look stupid." I said, "Tell ya what, I'll just figure it out and be in there in a minute." She said, "Okay." and left. I took off the bra because of the hooks, I figured the metal was bad in an xray, I don't know. I took off everything from the waist down and put on those horrid shorts, and now that I'm thinking about it....who else's privates have been in those shorts without the benefit of underwear? Jesus! Oh God! Now I'm really scared. What if I get some disease or critter??? I need to talk to them on Monday. Dammit. Shit. Deep breath...okay.

So, my xrays were great. I evidently stripped to the precise degree and now probably have a zoo in my crotch. DAMMIT!

Summary: Horrible back pain that was on it's way to having my vertebrae fusing together...almost entirely gone. Drugs used: none. Needles used: none. Massage and trigger points massaged and triggered, many. Blissful. Skulls put in a machine and pulled up and away from the spine: one. chiropractors work. I couldn't be upright for more than a few minutes before that visit. I skipped my spinal block shot yesterday. I don't have to lay flat on my back with a heating pad now. I do have to take it easy until everything is finished healing, though. Today, the left side (the side I have almost all my problems on) of my face was sore. Like I'd been punched. Weird. Very strange. I speculated that the chiropractor moved bones or something. It's sore like it's healing or something. From right above my left eye, down my left temple, and under the left eye. I've heard that the skull bones can be manipulated because they are fused together not terribly tightly, to allow for movement...I don't know how true that it, but I find it interesting. If you know, let me know.

Currently Reading: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Some Girls: My Life in a Harem by Jillian Lauren
Marie Antoinette: The Journey by Antonia Fraser
Secrets of the Zohar by Michael Berg

Ow

PEOPLE! Seriously!!! How am supposed to get an ESSAY from 1370 words to at LEAST 2000 words without saying crap that shouldn't be there? Ugh! I'm not going to marvel at a sunset or the beach or some crap because it doesn't belong in the essay!!!! I have already messed with it so much I want to barf. And I am the ultimate "REWRITER", too. I will edit and cut and add and redo and change words, and make sure everything is PERFECT, but I will NOT add shit for the sake of adding words for a word count!

Well, not today. Maybe tomorrow. But crap, come on, people!

What I'm obsessed with now:

Real Housewives of New Jersey
Bethenny Frankel
Jen Lancaster's books
Sloane Crosley's books
Getting pain relief for my stupid neck and shoulder
Missing my boys
Texting with my boys
dreading the beginning of the new school year...I'll miss my down time
pain relief

Langston Hughes was the shit.

Let America Be America Again
by Langston Hughes


Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There's never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.")

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?
And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one's own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That's made America the land it has become.
O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home--
For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore,
And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa's strand I came
To build a "homeland of the free."

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we've dreamed
And all the songs we've sung
And all the hopes we've held
And all the flags we've hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay--
Except the dream that's almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people's lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath--
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!

IKEA

Wow, how many hours can one person stay in IKEA? Seriously? Since when do I need so much CRAP? We did get some stuff for Kira's dorm, and we picked out Tyler's furniture, but will wait for him to get back to buy it, plus we need to paint his cave. But, Wally totally focused on buying MORE stuff for Kira's dorm. Okay, we have only so much space in a dorm room. He wants it all to match, and we have bought all nice things, and with the exception of the small fridge and flat screen tv she is getting, she is ready. He kept bringing throw pillows and shit. She kept "putting them down BY ACCIDENT" and losing them. I got a wine rack. The two of them didn't realize a "duvet" cover required a "duvet" to go inside of it. I could drop a huge fortune in there, but then we saw a new Spec's Wine and Spirits. Guess what? They carry my favorite wine! Grape Creek Vineyards!!! Cabernet Blanc!!! They were out. Bitches. I bought other stuff. I was out of Kahlua and I got some Bailey's and butterscotch schnapps and perused their selection of stuff I've never heard of. I never knew they made so many different flavored vodkas, and other stuff. And please? TEQUILA CREME???? GAG.

Shrink is as usual amused with my life, and I am on a crapload of medicine, as usual so that I don't do illegal or immoral things. Ugh. Later, taters.