Sunday, June 14, 2009

Under the Sea

So, we went on a family cruise. Operative word being: family. It wasn't as bad as it could have been because we had two separate cabins. We put the three kids in one and Sanford and I shared another. We had walkie-talkies to keep in touch with the kids all the time, but usually, one person would realize they had both walkie-talkies, and as you may imagine, that does nobody any good whatsoever.

Our cruise was supposed to be a 5 day cruise to Mexico. Because of Swine Flu, they changed it to a 7 day cruise to Jamaica and Grand Cayman. Same price. I grew up on the Mexican border, I was not so excited about going to Mexico. I've been to Cancun and all that....not so excited. However, I was jumping up and down when I heard we were going to Jamaica. I've ALWAYS wanted to go there. Damned place. However, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Neither my husband nor myself have ever been on a cruise before, so we had no idea what to expect. I had a vague idea of an all you can eat 24 hour buffet. With lobster. And cheesecake. All day, all night. A veritable dreamland of caloric gluttony, if you will. I was so very sadly mistaken. The food was VOMITOUS. With the exception of "Indian" night, and that was pretty good, and then I found out the head chef is from India. So, with food a bust, I was pretty bummed. The "buffet" they did have was open for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We ate there all the time with the exception of a couple of breakfasts and lunches we ate in the dining rooms. See, here's the deal: men had to wear PANTS to eat in the dining room at night. The HORROR! Although I instructed Sanford to pack a pair of dress slacks or khakis, he did not follow my directive. Therefore, he packed the following for a 7 day cruise: 2 pairs of shorts, 3 shirts, undetermined amount of underwear. Done! He doesn't understand why packing is so tiresome. Because he is perfectly happy to go naked if need be. We did not get good desserts because he failed to mind me.

There was a family across the hall from us, and they took up probably 5 or 6 cabins. They did EVERYTHING WITH THEIR CABIN DOORS OPEN and they allowed their small children to RUN UP AND DOWN THE HALL BETWEEN ROOMS AT WILL. Not restful. There were several children, but the two I'll never forget were Landon and Blake. I know their names because I heard them hollered so much. Now, Landon needed a spanking. Badly. She was probably 5 or 6, but old enough to know better than to call an ancient old man "STUPID!" and hit him. I witnessed that. It took all I had to not do something. Then, everytime they came back to their cabin, Landon began SHRIEKING at the top of her VERY powerful lungs, "NO! I WANNA DO IT!!! GIVE IT TO ME! AAAAAAHHH!!!! WWWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! YOU ARE STUPID! GIVE IT TO ME!" She wanted to use the card to open their door. Give the brat the card and be done with it, already. You obviously have not disciplined the child at all as of yet, so just give it to her. I threw open my door one evening during a scream fest to find the mother standing in the middle of the hall with her eyes closed and her hands up over her hears in an "I'm not listening" stance. I wanted to clock her. Seriously. What an idiot.

Other than that, our fellow passengers were nice and seemed pretty much laid back and just ready to relax. Except for one other family reunion group. Their kids were left to run amok, as well. However, to be fair, their kids were old enough. Young teens, at least. And I saw one of them crawl across the elevator lobby floor and up the stairs of the Lido deck. Crawl. Like a baby. For no damned reason. Freakin' nuisance. Then there were the groups of random girls who all seemed to meet while on the cruise and become instant best friends. They all had Nintendo DSs, and they played them constantly. Only here is how they played them: while on the glass elevator sitting down with their legs crossed. There were probably 6 of them. Try to get on the elevator where they were and they didn't stand up. Therefore, only one or two other people besides them could ride. And all they did was ride the elevator. Repeatedly. Up. Down. Up. Down. While sitting and staring at small screens in their hands.

I spent a lot of time in the spa. Naturally. I had a pedicure, a facial and did a couples massage with Dude. They managed to sell me an unbelievable amount of crap, as well. I made Dude take it all back to the spa for me so that I didn't feel even more stupid than I already did. Come on...a bath additive that makes you thinner and gets rid of cellulite? Nobody on Earth would HAVE cellulite if that was possible. But I bought it. Idiot. THEN, the spa began stalking us. They called our stateroom asking if we wanted another massage, or perhaps reflexology? Good lord! I didn't go to the sauna because I didn't want to go near the Spa girls. They were relentless. Like Ninjas.

Almost every employee on that ship was from South Africa. Except the Captain and navigators...they were all Italian....rrrrooowwwrrrrr. And the ship was Panamanian, but built in Finland. It was like a huge salad of cultures. OH! There were a LOT of Eastern European employees, as well. Most of the bartenders were. One was named ...oh crap I forget...but it was totally a Russian mafia name. He was HOT, but he looked like he hated your ass. He hated giving you a drink. He hated asking you, "Souvenier glass or regular glass?" He hated it all, and he was imagining snapping our necks with his fingers. *UPDATE* I REMEMBERED HOT BARTENDER'S NAME: NIKOLA BELSIC. Very intimidating, no?

There was a photo gallery of pictures people on the ship had made during the voyage. May I just say this: People. Stop. Seriously. Nobody wants to see pictures of you with your hand propped under your chin like you are in 3rd grade, even if it's in BLACK AND WHITE. That doesn't make it "artistic". Literally HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of pictures of people posing in front of backdrops like fake beaches, and fake ships. How stupid! Go up on deck and take a picture, for God's sake! Then there was the Greek ruins backdrop and the grand piano backdrop. Lord help us all. Entire families wearing the exact same thing...one couple making out...no lie. We walked and looked at the pictures for entertainment A LOT. The gallery grew day by day, so it was always full of new delights for our meanness. We had no pictures made. We are not mentally deficient.

I FINALLY got a stupid towel animal in my room the 3rd day. I was pissed. I wanted that towel animal! After that, we had them everyday. The final one, we never were able to determine what kind of animal it was. Our cabins were midship...pretty much in the middle of the ship both deckwise and lengthwise. Which evidently means it's LOUD AS HELL because there is heavy machinery either above or below you.
The room service menu was beyond horrid. Truly. And for the kids to get sodas, they either got charged like 5 bucks a soda, or I could buy them another charge type card called a fountain drink card. 28 bucks each. So, I did. Then, they decided they felt "uncomfortable" walking up to a bar to get a soda. That was the only way to get a soda. Wasted money.

Word to the wise: COLLECT YOUR KID'S CELL PHONES BEFORE LEAVING PORT. Why? International data roaming charges are AMAZINGLY high. I had no idea our daughter was text messaging the whole trip. For the first two days alone, we have a bill of over 1,300 bucks in TEXT MESSAGING. I told her not to text, and she did, and now she is doing the lawn. We won't even know for another month how much more she did since it was international and through multiple carriers. I get livid everytime I think about it.

For peace, I laid out on the aft deck of the ship. It was adults only, so it was quiet. Little latin men brought me drinks with umbrellas in them, and I could watch the ocean and hear the ocean and feel the breeze. Heaven. The pool deck was the opposite. Sheer hell. I laid out there, too...so that one of my kids could hang out at the water slide. (which he deemed sub par for your water slide aficionados). That was one hot assed deck, let me tell you. Walls of glass surrounded it, so no breeze came in. It was wall to wall kids in the pool. The "hot tubs" were nasty looking, but then I have a "thing" about public hot tubs. I won't get in one.

Jamaica was lovely, but Dude once more went against my directions and got us on a tour bus that was not endorsed by the cruise line. We spent about 500 bucks to cruise wildly around Montego Bay at breakneck speeds. Half the trip was spent trying to find an ATM for us to use so we could pay the unbelievable fee. We got a lesson in Jamaican patois, which was fun, but "Yeah, mon, no problem..." gets old after about the 10th time. Especially when it's uttered in almost every single sentence.

Grand Cayman was FANTASTIC. I got my hair corn rowed by some lady, we went on a submarine, we shopped, we went to Margaritaville and it was ungodly hot. Lots of banks in Georgetown, Grand Cayman. Lots. Like almost every building; if it didnt sell Rolex watches, it was a bank.

We only had a few hours in each place, so we didn't get to explore and hang out on the beaches and at the falls in Jamaica as we would have liked. We will have to fly in and stay there for that. I'm ready to go now, personally.

I was amazed that we sailed for two days straight at a pretty good speed before we reached Jamaica. It's pretty damned far down there. We left from Galveston. From Grand Cayman back home it was 2 1/2 straight days sailing. I loved days when we were just at sea. Those were the most relaxing days. Everyone sort of did what they wanted. Our paths crossed by design for lunch and supper. We had the kids stay in their room after 8pm, and as far as we know, no huge fights broke out. Amazing.

However, I'd like to reiterate: THERE WAS NO FABULOUS MILES LONG BUFFET LADEN WITH LOBSTER TAILS AND CHEESECAKE. There was no 24 hour buffet. We looked for it, too! I am probably the only person to LOSE weight on a cruise. I'm picky, and usually, I wanted none of what they had.

We will go on another cruise. However, it will probably be just the two of us, and we'll get a suite. We did spend more time in the room than we thought we would. You can only have nonstop balls to the wall fun for so long, after all. Then, it's time for a nap.

The ship had tons of things to do daily that I had less than no interest in. Things like: Bingo, Trivia games where you won a crappy trophy, and DANCE CLASSES! If you don't want to LEARN to dance a certain way, go watch it, anyhow. I LAUGHED till I thought I'd die. Man, some serious assed Dancing Queen people on that ship. I think there was a scavenger hunt. Oh yeah, there was a digital one and a regular one. But if all I get is a stupid trophy, I'm not going. I want money or a cruise or something good. Otherwise, I'll go to the spa or the deserted aft deck.