Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Heard Today in Elementary School

A small child to me: "When is YOUR baby coming out?" I replied, "My babies came out over 15 years ago..." Child: Noooo!!! Silly!!!! *she pats my stomach* You have a baby in there!" Um, no. Thank you for plunging my self esteem into the absolute depths of hell, oh sweet child.

About 2 minutes before this conversation, another small child who was holding a stuffed dolphin, made the dolphin "bite" my left boob. He then laughed and said, "I call him Sharkey! He bit your boobie!" I didn't even know what to say to that. So, I said, "He's a dolphin." Wow. Way to educate the future. It wasn't a SHARK that bit me in the boob, it was a DOLPHIN. Teacher of the year.

Last week, another group of small children I was passing while walking my class to lunch said, "Hey, you have a clown face!" I at first thought they must be talking to another child, but no...they were addressing me. I stopped and said, "Excuse me?" and they repeated, "You have a clown face." I said, "Wow. THANK you! That is SO sweet of you!!!" I began to walk away, But no. It wasn't over. Another child grabbed my leg, and began hugging me. The child's arms began moving slowly up my leg and well....it was sort of an uncomfortable; almost a sexual assault. Before I could stop the child, their hands were in my "No no, don't touch" place. I quickly said, "Whoa....let's move the arms down a little, k?" After that, I hear from behind me, "Yeah, you do have a clown face. And a clown nose." By now, I was flustered, and yet curious as to what made these children think my face was clownish at that particular time. I said, "Really? What about my nose is like a clown? Is it big and red and does it have a red ball on it? Is it just big? Do I have clown feet? Do I have a frownie face drawn over my lips?" To which the answer was a couple of seconds of quiet contemplation on the part of the child, then a definite affirmative nod and these words, "Yes. Your nose is gigantic and red and like a clown."
So. I look like a pregnant clown with a larger than average clown nose. AND someone got to third base with me without even trying.

CRAZY ASSED NAME UPDATE:

People. Okay. I'm trying to be calm, but last night on the news, some dude named "LYSANDER" was interviewed after a drive by shooting or something.
If you are going to name your child after a character in a play by Shakespeare, look it up, for the love! Lysander wasn't even a major character or even all that interesting in "A Midsummer Night's Dream". Seriously. Neither was Demetrius.

Oh, and I almost forgot: going with Biblical names is popular and I did it myself with one of my kids, however....be careful. Please. Check out who it was before you hang the moniker around your offspring's neck. Don't name your kid "Job". Coupla reasons. Number one: People will mispronounce it forever. They will think it's pronounced like the place you go to earn a living. "Hey, Job! How ya doin?" Only they will say "Job" like, "I have a job at Walmart". Not good. Plus, Job wasn't the happiest of dudes. Faithful, yes. Lucky? Not so much and very sad. Terrible luck, that Job dude.
David is a favorite. I approve of David even if he was a bit of a perv. Come on...who isn't?
Where I live there are a TON of guys named Jesus. Pronounced the Spanish way. Not the English way. I've never met anyone who pronounces it the English way as in "Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing???" Never. No Jehovahs, either. Thankfully.
Mary and Joseph are good. I guess. Actually, yes. They are great. They are easy, and just good old fashioned names. They seemed like pretty good people in the Bible, if you look past the whole "immaculate conception" deal with Mary, that is. I think Joseph was a pretty damned patient guy.
Noah is a name I considered for my second son, but was vetoed by my then husband. I don't know why. Maybe because he found out Noah was actually a bit of a perv himself and IN THE BIBLE it tells you that he went into his son's tent naked, and then it gets a bit vague but makes it quite clear that his other sons drug him outta there and gave him an ass whuppin'. Savior of humanity during the flood or perv? I don't know. Could be both, I guess.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, Peter, Paul and John are all fine. Not that I believe their writings or beliefs, but nice, normal, easy to spell, easy to pronounce names.

DON'T NAME YOUR CHILD AFTER SOMETHING YOU HEAR THE NURSE OR OB/GYN SAY IN THE DELIVERY ROOM, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DON'T!!!
I have seen: "Placenta", "Placentia" and various other horrific things.

How about this one: this is an actual child that I know of here where I live. And before you ask, NO, I'm NOT shitting you.
Get ready. Here it is:

SHITHEAD. Yep. Shithead. Pronounced, "Shuh-theed" My ass. That kid's name is Shithead. Imagine that on an interview. The only way it could be worse would be if the poor child's last name was "Dumas". It probably is, too.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Seriously

As that little bird on that kid's show says, "This is sewiouuuus". My children are no longer small, so I am not up on all the kid's shows, anymore. I used to be, but no more. However, who could have missed the YouTube clip of that chick or duckling or whatever it is wearing an aviator's cap? The cap alone makes it epic.

So, I thought I was managing my tremors, etc. pretty admirably. Today, a co-worker who knows nothing of my "condition" or whatever innocently asked why half of my face was "frozen". Now I'm scared shitless. Evidently, occasionally half of my face will not move when I talk. Normally, my face is pretty expressive, but someone NOTICED this. I didn't even know it was going on.

My parents are making me an absolute basket case, but I guess that is to be expected by now.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Stop the MADNESS!!!

Here's the deal: there needs to be some sort of guidelines or book or LAWS even that prevent people from naming their children horrendously heinous things. Seriously.
A couple of names I've seen or experienced as actual legal names of children lately:

Sexana. Couple of problems with this name. Number one: WHAT.THE.HELL? Number two: What can this child expect to do for a living when they grow up? I can think of three things: 1. Stripper 2. Prostitute 3. Porn star. Seriously. SEXANA? God bless you, child. You'll need it. Shame on your idiot parents.

Any variation of "Queen" "Princess" "Prince" "Duke" "Duchess" "Count" "Sir"...just any royalty based or that sort of claptrap. Stop it. I'm not calling your child "Sir" anything. He's a child. (Hopefully the child is a boy if named "Sir", however, don't count on it.)

Any variation of gemstones. Please, for the love, no more "DIAMONDS" or "SAPPHIRES" or anything like that. Come on. "And now, Gentlemen, I present to you our star performer on the pole....Princess Sexana Diamond!!!!" Oh, this includes "Jade" and any variation to include "Jadyn" or any other made up crap.

Stupid spellings of fairly common names in an attempt to make them more "unique". Don't be a moron! If it's a fairly common name, it cannot be unique! "Madison" should not be "Madysin" or "Madisyn" or any other nonsense. "Mackenzie" is a last name, first of all, then, do not further complicate it by spelling it, ""Mackynzie" or crap like that. Seriously. Think of the child's difficulty learning to spell that in Kindergarten. For the love. Teachers work to teach phonics, and you throw a damned wrench in the plans with some effed up misspelled name that follows no phonetic rules. Please. Settle for Beth. Settle for Mary. Settle for Ann. Come on.

Stop being dumbass medieval fakers. Don't try to use Shakespearean names especially when you've probably never read any of his works. A big fat "NO" goes to "Cymbeline" because you don't know what she was, and you'll spell it all jacked up. (I do consider "Jack" to be a PERFECT name for a boy, however. Nathaniel and Tyler are also excellent male names. Just my humble opinion of my children's names.)
Forget "Ophelia". For the love of God, she killed herself after being used in a plot to bring down the potential Kingdom of the man she sorta had a crush on. She had a pervert father who did nothing but stand behind curtains and eavesdrop for the treacherous murderous fake King who had killed her "boyfriend's" father who was the actual King. THEN, married Hamlet's (Ophelia's crazy/not crazy crush) mother. Incidentally, the real king was the fake king's BROTHER. So he killed his own brother, then married his sister in law. No wonder Ophelia killed herself and Hamlet was a nutjob.
"Juliet" killed herself, too, by the way. "Julius Caesar" not only was real, but he was viciously assassinated by a bunch of dudes including his best friend, Brutus. So, Brutus is off the table, too. ROMEO? Please. No more Romeos. I cannot handle it. Anything including "Maxim", "Maximus", etc...forget it.
Don't expect me to call your child "Precious" or "Treasure" or "Priceless". Please. I don't even call my own kids that all the time. I'm sure not going to call your kid that.
Don't name your child after an animal. No "Ravens" or "Falcons" or other stupid black eyeliner inspired names, please. Go listen to Morrissey and smoke clove cigarettes instead. Please. Don't bring a human being into it and give them a horrific name.
Leave the random punctuation marks out of it, I beg of you. Don't string a bunch of letters together, stick a few accent marks and hyphens in it and call it a name. It isn't, and everyone will always misspell your child's name. No more "De" before a name. No more "Le" or "La" prior to a name. Quit sticking the letter "O" at the end of your son's name.
Quit naming all your kids with names that start with the same first letter. It gets so damned confusing. "This is Susan, Sterling, Simian, Spawn, Sperm, Spleen, and Spain. They are all the Smith children. " Are you that lazy? Are you THAT into alliteration????
Finally, to end my completely self-serving rant, I'd like to say, please don't choose some random combination of letters, not know how to pronounce it, then look it up and not be able to find it. THEN, say, "I'm not sure it's a real name...should I use it?" If you have to ask that, the answer is most definitively NO.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Badass Honey Badger. You may now thank me.

New Ideas

I've been thinking about what I'm in the process of writing now, what I am thinking about writing next, the stuff I'm toying with on the side and things I will probably never finish. It's exhausting. I have an idea for another book again based on true stories. However, this one would be more dark. There would still be humor, because really, how can signing a petition in a mental ward because you're pissed off that the staff changed the peanut butter brand on you NOT be funny? See what I mean? Hysterical, but still sorta pathetic. No, scratch that. REALLY pathetic.

Also, my passion, fascination, determination, obsession with Paris continues unabated. It's inevitable. I must live there. Does anyone else look for real estate in foreign countries and really consider buying besides me? I figure I could get my teaching license for France, teach English and live there. Of course, Wally would have to agree, and the kids would have to be at least semi independent. That means a few more years, but still....I already found an apartment which is supposedly next to impossible to do in Paris. Leave it to me to find one, and have no real plan to acquire it. When I'm really ready, I'll not be able to find any place.

In health news, my tremors have begun to worsen, but I think I'm more aware of them and trying to keep them as unobtrusive as possible. I haven't had any horrible days where I can barely walk. I think my last one like that was when we were in London. The more stressed I am, the worse it is, and I have a theory that the hotter it is, the worse my tremors are. My shoulder/neck/back issues seem to be largely better, but I made the mistake of running and have jammed someting back up. Result: pain.
Secondary result: more migraines.

On to another timely topic for me:
MENOPAUSE???? Seriously???? Isn't it enough that we go through a horrific puberty as girls, what with boobs, menstruation, hair, etc....but then...THEN.....we have continued menstruation, breast exams, breast self exams, mammograms, yearly exams where a stranger with rubber gloves looks for his lost socks in your uterus, and probably anything else he lost in the previous year. Then, because we are the blessed gender, we are able to be impregnated, go through 10 months, (not 9, people...count...40 weeks is 10 months) of sharing our bodies with another being, and because of that, we cannot use sweetener, cough drops, ibuprofen, benadryl, alcohol, or basically anything I use daily almost. And FORGET XANAX!!! I was so careful, I got the flu and would not take anything for fever until the doctor told me the fever was more harmful than the Tylenol for my baby. I grudgingly took two Tylenol, and began praying that my child would not be harmed by it. Unbearable sickness for 12 weeks which magically disappears as quickly as it appeared, but not before you beg for death, extreme exhaustion and unbelievable expenses. THEN...we get to experience the blessed miracle of birth. No, really. I do feel it is a miracle. It just is a major pain, that's all. My first one was SUPER easy. I thought I could go into business. No drugs, no pain, just a couple of pushes and PLOP, the little sucker was out and ready to roll. I got up and was doing stuff within an hour. Of course, after that, I got no sleep for the next 4 years. Period. At all. Which could explain how I became an expectant mother again 3 years later. My second pregnancy was pretty much like my first. No biggie. Well, there was a biggie. Namely, ME. Other than that, we lived in the frigid polar region of MICHIGAN (seriously, how do you people handle it?), and I had a toddler to chase after. Nothing was much different until I went into labor. THEN the shit got serious. NOT easy. VERY not easy. VERY big problems. VERY big pain. Special pain. Indescribable, really. Waited too long for any drugs...because I'm a badass that way, and had to really go it drug free..they tried an epidural after it was too late. I don't recommend that. I should have had a C-section, but some dumbass doctor with hands like Dr. Menghele didn't seem to know his ass from his elbow from my birth canal. I gave birth NATURALLY to an 11 pound 2 foot long boy. No, you read that right. NATURALLY. Many stitches, cursing and much crying ensued. However, I got another perfect angelic boy. As you can imagine, I never gave birth again. No sir, no thank you, I'll take a pass on that one. Plus, when you are young and don't know any better people don't tell you the truth about childbirth. I did the Bradley Method which I HIGHLY recommend to everyone. It worked beautifully with my first child. The hospital where I had my second child insisted we take Lamaze (in my opinion a big fat dumbass joke), so we did. I ignored most of it and did my Bradley. However, during Lamaze class, the instructor was guiding us through a "pain meditation". I was the only woman in there who was not going through her first pregnancy. I KNEW what to expect. The others were all glowing, a little scared and thinking this Lamaze stuff was the SHIT. We were told that when we had a bad contraction, to close our eyes, (never do this), and imagine we were standing on a beach. We write the word "Pain" in the sand. The waves come in and gently wash the word "Pain" away. When she said that, I busted out laughing and accidentally snorted. I didn't see it coming. Seriously? Imagine a wave washing away the word "pain"? It is to laugh. I laugh at this. HAHAHA! Big laugh! I got major hostile stares from the instructor and all the other couples. Big whoop. I shrugged and said, "Whatever gets you through..."
THEN, D day came. I go into labor. I wasn't sure it was labor because with my first, my water broke. A pretty definitive sign that stuff is on, right? With the second, I had cramps, they very gradually got worse, then got pretty bad, I couldn't talk or walk through them, and we went to the hospital. The baby's head was in a bad position, so I couldn't push, although I had no urge to push yet. Both of my babies had their umbilical cords wrapped twice around their necks. That had to be adjusted. Then, the REAL pain began. I was in too much pain to cry, make sound, or ask for help. It was just blinding. Well, yeah. I was giving birth to a 2 year old. He came out asking for a ham sandwich, for God's sake. Well, that's an exaggeration, but he was 11 pounds, and my first was a little over 7 pounds. I didn't have gestational diabetes, I didn't gain more weight, I was active....he was just huge. I do not regret it at all. It was all worth it.
Bradley Childbirth. Perfection. Do it.

NOW, back to MENOPAUSE....you have kids, you continue to grapple with your monthly crime scene producing amounts of blood, then....IT GETS WORSE! Will it come on time? Probably not. Will it come today? Maybe. Tomorrow? Could be. In twenty days? It's a good bet. Yesterday? Pretty sure. How long will it last? Oh...anywhere from a day to 28 days, when it will be time for your next one. Will it be heavier, lighter...what? Um, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Will I act crazy and have hot flashes? Bet on it, baby. You'll get irrationally angry at shit like cans turned the wrong way at the grocery store. You'll wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat, have to wake up your husband, change your clothes, shower and change the sheets because the beauty of womanhood has bit you in the ass once again. Headaches will increase because your hormones will be doing the cha-cha everyday. Your weight will fluctuate. You'll have intestinal discomfort. Cramps, backaches...all that shit. It's all yours! Heartburn will bother you from stuff like...oh...I don't know...PLAIN WHITE BREAD. Crap like that. It's a hoot. Have a blast. I know I am. It makes PMS look like an episode of "Romper Room".

Well, this started out as some self questioning about my writing and turned into a rant about the mysteries of our monthly relationship with the moon. (My ass...don't give me that shit...I'm not saving the blood in a jar and burying it under the full moon to gain power...what a crock of SHIT.)
So, yeah. Sorry about that. But if you know me, then..well...you know me. That's how I am. And I'm menopausal now, so suck it if you don't like it.
Love,
Me.