Wednesday, November 21, 2012

It's been awhile. I know, I know. Life got in the way of frivolous blog posting. I know that many of my rabid fans have been anxiously awaiting my newest addition. Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't going to be Earth shattering.

First: We are almost halfway through the school year and it's been one unbelievable crap carnival. I don't even know where to start, so I won't. Just take my word for it.

Second: I have written anything personally other than modeling how to NOT write for my students. I have been daily begging them to capitalize proper nouns and capitalize the first letter of sentences, and for God's sake use punctuation! To no avail. Forget getting them to decide if they want to use first person or third person...forget having them use figurative language...I just want their damned names on their paper, now. Oh, expectations, how you have fallen... To add insult to injury, my own writing is now horrific and I have become a horrible speller. I used to be able to spell anything. I think my brain is actually shrinking.

Third: Today as I was leaving the grocery store with Wally, we heard a car horn. We turned from putting bags into the back of my car and saw a small car almost back into a large SUV like mine. The person driving the SUV tapped their horn to alert the troglodyte driving the small car to their impending doom if they did not stop backing up. You know, a polite "Hey, watch out...I'm back here, and I'm way bigger than you are, so you might want to stop backing out like your ass is on fire.."

Anyhow, the incredibly stupid and probably criminal asshat driving the small car slammed on his tiny little brakes on his tiny little car and hopped out...yes...hopped. He wasn't intimidating, he was just an asshole. He proceeded to begin screaming, "SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, BITCH???" Of course, everyone was staring open mouthed at this fool. The lady who had the bad luck to assume she was dealing with a rational human being just sat there and stared at him.

I was simply amazed that a grown man would do that to a woman. No, no...scratch that. I was amazed that he would do that to ANYONE. Not only was it unforgivably rude and disgusting, but it was stupid, as well. In our state, it's a good bet to assume people are carrying firearms. As a matter of fact, we had just returned from the range before going to the store. Doing something like jumping out of your car because someone honked at you and then cursing at them is not bright. You might just meet their "little friend".

I usually brush that sort of thing off. My husband is the type who pulls out his gun and will eventually end up in jail and I'm not bailing him out. For some reason, this particular incident got me so mad I was almost speechless. Well, I was babbling is more accurate. I was driving and I kept hollering "Can you believe that??? WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!! I WISH HE'D SAID THAT TO ME!!! I WOULD HAVE ..." then I realized I was acting like my husband, and that made me even madder. I yelled, "I'm not normally like this!"
"Slow down..."
"What? Don't tell me what to do! I can't believe that! I am so upset..."
"That's a red light there...you might want to..."
"Shut up! I can't believe that happened..yes, I see the light. I am very upset! What would you cops call it? Highly agitated?"
"Yes"
"Okay. I'm that. I'm highly agitated. HIGHLY agitated. I think that's what they put on your file in the psych ward, too. I'm pretty sure I saw that...I swear to God.."
"You need to turn here..."
"Shut up! I'm highly agitated!"
After every sentence I pounded on my steering wheel. I realized I had worked myself up to a raging migraine over people I don't know at the stupid grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving.
And that is why I hate Thanksgiving.

Oh, the other day we had to go buy the boys some heavy winter coats since they are going to Chicago to see their father for Christmas break. They don't remember cold. We left Michigan when one was 4 and one was 2 weeks old. They think they are going to like it. I laugh at them. HAHA! We live in Texas. They are Texas boys. They will be crying like little babies when that cold wind hits them.

Anyhow, they both decided that they wanted balaclavas. I thought that was a damned musical instrument. Seriously. Where I come from, those don't exist. Nobody needs those. I asked them if they were planning on joining a folk band in Russia and they both stared at me. I was telling them "You need waterproof warm gloves...you need thick good socks, and a hat.." and that is when they both began babbling about Russian stringed instruments. Or at least that is what I thought they were talking about. But no. No, no...how stupid I was.

See, a balaclava is a knitted piece of head/face wear. It's really quite hideous. They both wanted black ones, and after I purchased these, (which were amazingly available at our sporting goods store...for hunters, I guess...PENGUIN HUNTERS.)they both insisted on wearing them in the car as we ran errands. TWO ENORMOUS BOYS IN THE BACK OF THE CAR LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY WEARING BANK ROBBER UNIFORMS. One is 20 and one is 16. The 16 year old is enormous. I don't know if people thought we had been car jacked or if they even noticed. They tried to wear them into a restaurant, and I refused to allow it. They looked truly dreadful in those things. I am sure they will wear them continually at their father's house.

We were going to go to Rome on Christmas for a week, but Wally had a freak out of staggering over reactingness or whatever. He did a proper wig out. He is like an anorexic...only about money. No matter how much money he has, he thinks he is going to the poor farm. Haven't heard that one in awhile, have ya? The Poor Farm I remember my Mom always saying we were going to drive her to the Poor Farm. I always thought it sounded intriguing. To this day I've never seen one. Anyhow, we aren't going to a poor farm, and we have plenty. I will go to Rome. You see if I don't.
That's it for now. Too da loo, bitches.