Friday, August 27, 2010

Soooory

I haven't written lately because I'm a teacher, and this was the first week. MESS OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.
I gotta rest.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What the hell?

Hello potential book characters for my book which will be wildly and hugely popular and will go down in history as being a brilliant work of art.
How are you all? Awesome. Good to hear.
Now, here is the dilemma: if one is fortunate enough to get what they want, but they aren't really sure it's the right choice, should they wait and continue to plug away and try to get what they want with the ...oh eff it. What I'm saying is, if I get offers on my book, how do I know who to sign with? I'm confused, excited at the mere fact that someone thinks people will buy books written by me, and terrified to make the wrong choice. So. There it is.
Also, should I even entertain the idea of traveling to Beijing? I love to travel, although I will admit Asia has not really ever interested me with the exception of India. Europe? I'm down. Let's go. Asia? Ehhhhh....not so sure. My son said, "What if they won't let you leave?" I replied, "I really don't think the Chinese government will hold a bunch of American writers hostage..." then I had a horrible thought. Would they like...change what I wrote? Can they do that? Oh Jesus...now we need a lawyer..because...contracts, money...us...not good. Do they do that in China? Will they censor me? I don't want to be censored. To me, censor=bad.

Random thought, feel free to comment, respond, whatever.....do you think Jeff Lewis on "Flipping Out" plumps his top lip? I mean, it's pretty freakin' plump, right? I've done that and it turned out NOTHING like his. In my friend's words, my top lip was "jacked up". It did WONDERS for my self esteem, let me tell you.
Also, along the lines of random thoughts....does anyone really say, "SHUT.THE.FRONT.DOOR" instead of "Shut the eff up" or "Shut the hell up" or simply, "Shut up"? I will throw out a "Shut your pork trap" or "Shut your face", or whatever, but "Shut.The.Front.Door" is a lot of words to convey the fact that you want someone to shut their pie hole. Also, why isn't it, "Shut.The.Back.Door"? Or, how about, "Shut.The.Side.Door", or "Shut.The.Garage.Door"? I've never heard anyone other than Rachel Zoe say the door thing. Plus, I have a niece, and her first name is spelled the same way Rachel Zoe's last name is spelled, and we don't pronounce it like the name "Joe". We pronounce it, "Zoe-eee". That is the correct way to pronounce it. Take note. Rachel, pronounce it correctly, please. It makes me nuts and crazy.
Why does Jeff Lewis wear low top Chuck Taylor's all the time? Is it a fashion statement on his part? Is it the practicality? What? He is very fascinating to me, obviously. I mean, I've mentioned his lips and shoes here. He is also sarcastic as hell and mean as hell, and I adore that. Why? Because I am the same way. I would also tell my housekeeper named "Zoila" that she should "broooosh" my cat everyday after his nap. I would insist she say "brooosh" and tell her I was assisting her with her English. That's pretty mean. However, hearing her tell him to shut his front door cracks my ass up. Only she doesn't say it that way because she probably KNOWS HOW TO PRONOUNCE ZOE.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Paris vu du Ciel

Paris vu du Ciel

Paris

My favorite place in the entire world is Paris. We took our children with us there a few years ago, and although they didn't appreciate it, I was like a drooling moron looking at everything. Everything fascinated me. The streets, the street signs, the shops, the buildings, the art, the different areas of Paris, the big "N" on all the bridges signifying Napoleon, it all captivated me. I hope to retire there when all of my children are either out of college or in graduate school. I've already looked into teaching there, and I would do it right now if I could.

If you've heard that the French are rude, I can honestly say that every single French person we met was beyond polite and helpful. One waiter sat down with us at our table and gave us a quick lesson in how to deal with waiters in Paris. Believe it or not, this is a very valuable lesson. He should charge. The people who worked the desk in our hotel (we always use local instead of chain hotels or we rent apartments when we travel.) was so helpful that she headed off a total meltdown by copying our passport photos for our Metro passes. The stupid photo booths in the metro tunnels DON'T WORK. The staff was always ready to recommend restaurants, and any other thing we needed. Somehow, we still managed to walk into a street riot and get tear gassed, but that's another story. It was an experience I remember every single day, and I cannot wait to go back. And believe me, I shall go back. WALLY. I will. Even if I must go alone, I shall go. I felt (as stupid and cheesy as this sounds), at HOME there.

If you get the opportunity to go to France, take it. I do speak French, so that helped a lot, but none of the rest of my family speaks a word of it. The learned the word "Pardon" because yes, that is just how polite the people were. That was the most often uttered word we heard on the Metro and everywhere else. Plus, where else can you go and watch a very bizarre impromptu puppet show on a subway car? Seriously, the two dudes had clothesline to string across the car, a sheet to hand on the clothesline, puppets, and music. They put on a show. The only people who seemed to watch was my family. We were amazed, enthralled and cracked up .
If you wish to communicate with the locals, try and brush up on some rudimentary French phrases. Learn how to say, "How much is this?" and "Can you please tell me where the rest room is?" Learn how to order off a French menu...learn the names of French food. Learn how to take directions in French. It's not difficult, I promise. If you want to practice, go to the BBC language school website. It's a fabulous resource for usable phrases and words. If you took the usual French in high school in the US, go to that site and brush up. It's worth it.
Advice: Do NOT under any circumstances yell in German at people in Paris. They don't like it. Neither do I, but then I wasn't occupied by the Nazis. My husband speaks no French, but can bark out military orders in German having been stationed in Germany when he was in the US Army. (He is American, amazingly enough). When I got fed up with him telling me I was wrong, I refused to translate, and he would bust out his loud guttural German and it didn't work too well. No matter WHAT he claims, it was not met with cooperation.
Actually, anywhere you travel, make an effort to learn at least SOME of the local language. I have found that America is one of the only countries in the world where being multi-lingual isn't the norm. It should be. Many people in France speak some English, or are fluent. However, if you are in their home, you should at least attempt to speak their language. The same goes for any Spanish speaking country, Italy, Germany...anywhere. Not everyone in the world speaks English, and speaking it LOUDLY and SLOOOOWLY doesn't help. Anyhow, I will list some sites I love about France because I'm selfish, and because I beleive everyone loves what I love, which is a trait common on self-absorbed people.

Avoir un merveilleux week-end , tout le monde !

Saturday, August 14, 2010

OH! I almost forgot!

I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" right now, and am wondering how the movie is. I love the book so far and want to emulate that woman. Well, the going to Italy, India and Bali part. Not the freak out and divorce and loss of everything. I've done that already. Let me know how it is.

I can highly recommend "The Other Guys" I thought I'd die laughing. I needed a diaper. I can also recommend "Dinner for Schmucks". Again, a diaper experience.



So, F Bomb Friday. I've had a few. I'm sure I'll have more. Mine yesterday was the fact that it was my first day back at work. I'm not sure about y'all, but I hate being confined in spaces for long lengths of time, and I hate sitting still for any length of time. I'm used to moving around. I'm not a marathon runner like several of my friends, but I don't sit around, usually. Anyhow, I had to do just that yesterday. I have spoken in the past of my red hot hatred of musical theater or movies. Well, yesterday, because I do have someone who is my "boss", I sometimes I have to do what I don't want to do. Such as be a captive audience and listen or watch whatever craptastic show this person likes. And this person LOVES freakin' musical crap. So, we had to watch some scenes from Disney's newest movie. The one about the Princess and the frog or something. We were supposed to take away a profound message. All I got from the clip was that it was sad that the child only wished to make a good pot of gumbo. Dare to dream, sweetcheeks.

I also had put a crapload of work into my classroom, and had my boss come at the end of the day and tell me that quotes from "Alice in Wonderland" were "highly inappropriate" for school. Wha? Huh? WTF? Really? For real? Seriously? Needless to say, I muttered the f-bomb repeatedly under my breath as I was forced to take down a quote. It wasn't profane for the love of God. It was just a quote from the stupid Cheshire Cat. Deal.

As a person with a horribly foul mouth, I work very hard daily to not allow bad words to come out of my mouth at work. I can't allow it to happen. I work with kids. However, yesterday? Yesterday there were no kids in the building. I let the bombs drop. A lot. I have been dropping them ever since.

Now, another f-bomb. No tanning salons in this area have the aromatherapy beds? Why? Everyone freakin' tans. No Aromatherapy and cooling mist? That is bullcrap. Secondly, my eyes are allergic to EVERYTHING. I can't get eyelash extensions because I'm horribly allergic to the glue. I have really long eyelashes naturally, but they are blonde. They aren't as thick as I want, either. I'm sure that Latisse stuff would permanently blind me. However, I am a Botox devotee. If everyone in the world quit Botox, I'd still keep them in business. I like Juvederm, as well. Well, I like them when it doesn't "jack up" my lips, anyhow. Now, here I sit, watching reruns of The Jersey Shore, with my butt cheeks falling asleep. As for The Jersey Shore? Shut up. It's one of those mysteriously awesome things. You need to embrace it if you haven't done so yet.

I saw my chiropractor yesterday, and he cracked me all over the place. My neck got 4 goes...twice facing down, and twice facing up. My back got all sorts of cracks. And even my shoulders got it. He was FABULOUS. I adore my chiropractor. Considering my discs were almost gone and my vertebrae were fusing together, they have really saved me. Pain is almost totally gone and that is enough for me. No more foot long needles in my spine to inject something to slap a bandaid on the pain. Now, we are targeting the actual problem.

My work? I cried for about an hour this morning. I don't cry very easily and very infrequently. I cried. We don't even have students yet. It's going to be a long year, I'm afraid.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I have no clue

This thing is all effed up. I'll try to fix it this weekend. Now....ice on the shoulder.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Thank the Baby Jesus or whoever

I have a hair appointment today. It's been literally MONTHS since I was able to match up schedules with the girl who does my hair. She is a keratin genius. She is unfathomably brilliant with hair. I adore her. Except, so do a lot of other people, which pisses me off.

So, I go back to work in a couple of days, and boy am I excited! (that was sarcasm you detected...you were correct.) I dread it. I need a pedicure, a manicure, it's almost time for a Botox booster and a Juvederm re-do. But last time, on the Juvederm, they screwed up my top lip. I wasn't really aware of this, until a good friend of mine who works for a major high end cosmetic company said to me, "What's up with your lips? They're all jacked up." Ohhh, my good dear friend, Wendy. I will not buy your product for...maybe two weeks because of that insult. Jacked up. My lips. Great.

My Mom adopted that saying because she is anti beauty. She hates that I get Botox and all that. I say Botox saves.

My brother even sneaked it in during Father's day brunch. He was blah blahing about some cop thing and he said, "Plus, you have jacked up lips." Wait. Whah? I don't listen to him with both ears, usually. I just nod and pretend to listen while flipping him off while our parents aren't looking. I also mouth the words "fuck you" to him on a regular basis across the table. I was so busy plotting my next torture that I almost let the "jacked up" comment slide. But if I get ready to say something about his appearance, my Mom asks to speak to me to tell me he is very vain and concerned about his appearance. Bullshit! I'm 44 and female! I have a child going off to college this year, and one next year, and God willing, another in 4 years! I can't even donate my eggs because they are too old! And you are telling me to go easy on my BROTHER WHO IS FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME? Eff that.

I said something along the lines of "you couldn't find your ass with a map, it's so flat..." and that pretty much shut down the family fun for the day. I don't care. I hate family fun with my family. I'd rather have it with someone else's family. Someone like, oh I don't know...nobody. I'd rather be alone.

I like reading, sleeping, writing...all solitary activities. No team sports for me. No scrapbooking with "the gals" for me. I don't join bookclubs and read particular books and discuss them with people, because I'm sure to disagree with them and think they are morons, and more than likely I'll tell them that, too. Friends? I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention. To be my friend, you have to have a thick skin, and not really care if you see me on a regular basis. You have to have the same sense of humor I do, and think the things I like are awesome and the things I hate are sucky.

And to think, I've been married three times. Wait. Heeeeyyyyyy...could that be the reason? Nahhhhh....

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Hint:

I don't know what is going on with the opening page of this thing. Maybe it's just me. It keeps opening to a post from 2008. To see more recent posts, go to the sidebar >
and click on 2010.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Hell Freezes Over

It's not just the name of an Eagles album...it's what happened sometime between yesterday and about an hour ago. I can now, (THANK YOU DIETIES) get into my classroom to get it ready for the schoolyear. I am not going tonight, much to Sanford's dismay. I will wait until tomorrow or Sunday, although I have to take my niece and daughter both shopping...what the hell....I swear nothing ever happens in the right order.

So, we went and saw my favorite comedienne, Kathy Griffin last night in Austin. I drove. I drive a very large SUV, Sanford drives a much small vehicle. And yet, it must be me who drives and it must be my car. Why? Isn't it obvious? I lived there for almost 10 years almost 16 years ago. Come ON! Keep up! You KNOW nothing has changed in that city since I lived there. Despite the continual construction all over the place, it's all the same. Wait. Except the building where the show was. That wasn't there when I lived there. It was like a huge rodeo coliseum on the banks of the river and as I recall we had to register for classes there in the heat of the late summer and we all thought we'd die of heat stroke. Now it's a fancy pants "performing arts center". I should know this, but I didn't. Here is how it went: We get into car. We start driving. I get to the interstate which is like I don't know, about 30 miles from us...and it was like drugs..as soon as I hit the interstate, I got horribly sleepy. I was shaking my head like a horse does just to wake myself up. Next to me, over in the co-pilot seat, was Sanford...blissfully unaware of my predicament...whistling tunelessly to some nonsene Ice cream truck music in his head. So, I turn on the radio. Loud. We weren't talking anyhow...if you take your eyes off those maniacs on I-35, you're dead. So, I have the radio on trying to wake myself up, and he reaches over and turns it down. You know what that is right there? That is like throwing a gauntlet down. When you turn on the radio in a vehicle and then the other person without a word reaches over and somehow fiddles with it...that is a challenge. So. I reach over and crank it back up. I can see out of the corner of my eye that Sanford was getting annoyed. He kept blowing his nose and clearing his throat REALLY loudly. He was making some gross sounds with his mouth, so I turned it up LOUDER. He hollers, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING????" and I said, "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU." hehe. He got all flustered and went to reach for the knob to the radio and I slapped his hand. GASP! Yes, I physically slapped his hand. Much like I did my children when they were little. No, no! Don't touch! So, he is looking at me with unadulterated indignance and I decide to take pity on his sad little insane heart. I reach over and turned it down enough so that I could say, "I AM FALLING ASLEEP HERE! WHY ARE YOU BEING A DICK?" and he actually laughed. He laughed. I call him a "dick" and he laughed. Assclown. So, I yell again, "Hey, Dickhead! I'm starving and I'm falling asleep..." and he calmly says, "Why don't you exit and we'll get something and you can wake up?" Whatever. So, we exit and I pulled into a McDonald's which is why my stomach is like Mount Vesuvius today. A few minutes later, we're back on the road and he is happily chomping on a cheeseburger or something. I said, "I want you to watch very carefully how I skillfully guide this large vehicle to the PERFORMING ARTS CENTER. He munched, "mmm..k....chomp chomp, smack smack." I reached into the bag and hand his ass a damned napkin. A few minutes later, we enter Austin proper, and I said, Okay, turn on the stupid assed GPS. So it's on, and it tells us what I already knew...exit at 8th street, turn right on 6th, turn left on Capitol, turn right on Riverside, turn into the stupid assed parking garage. Boom. We're there. Done and done. To get home, reverse the order of operations. I drove home, too. We live in a DIFFERENT CITY than Austin. It's several cities away. Our daughter will be living in Austin in two weeks for school, and he STILL acts like it is a foreign place like Mombasa or something. Do we need to exchange our currency? Do we have the right voltage converters? Do you speak the language, because I don't! Oh my god! What will we do!
We do what we did on our trips overseas. I speak the language to the natives, he follows and grumbles. I make sure we get where we need to go (I can get you anywhere in Paris or London on the Tube or Metro in record time and with the fewest possible changes of trains...try me...unless there are bomb threats like there always seemed to be in London, then all bets are off. Who knows what train you'll take? Somehow, you'll end up where you want to be...)
Hey, that reminds me..you know what we need more of around here? Buskers. Yeah. Buskers. You heard me. I like a good Busker. I will give one my spare change even. Even if they aren't in the designated Busker circles painted on the ground of the London Tube system. I will STILL give them some money. In Paris, it might take a little more, like say....an impromptu puppet show on the train..(which totally happened to us, and I'm not lying.) We have a huge deficit in the Busker department here. On the good side, I've never watched hydraulic doors slam shut in my face as two of my three children plaster themselves against said doors and you can see their panic stricken faces and their mouths are in a huge O as they scream because guess what? They got on the train and we got joslted and now we are separated from two of our children in a very large city in Europe where my children don't speak the language (this was in Paris.) We got them at the next stop. They waited. Smart kids.

Oh well, that is enough random crap for now.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Vanity

Hello to the one person who might be reading this. So glad you could stop by! I'm glad I'm not just typing for no reason.

So, my arm and shoulder are still pretty sore and painful, and I bought this wondrous invention called the TheraCane at my chiropractor. It is awesome. I feel effervescent when I use it. Well, that's not true. At all. It just feels good.

Speaking of effervescent, I had Dom Perignon one time. Only one time. It was quite effervescent but to my (then) untrained palate, tasted like a 3 dollar bottle of Asti Spumanti. It may have even been more effervescent. You know what I DON'T like? Non-effervescent champagne.

I have to go becaue the IKEA catalog just got here, and I'm giddy with excitement over it. Oh, and I have to go to see Kathy Griffin. Can't wait!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The School Year Will Simply Have to be Postponed

Here's the deal: the school district, in it's infinite wisdom has decided to rip apart our school and replace some crap. I don't even know what. However, we cannot get into our classrooms and school starts in a few weeks. I don't know about other teachers, but I take a bit of time to get my room the way I want it. Plus, I have a theme, and I have all this junk laying around here waiting to take up to school, AKA: the demolition zone.

People say: "Don't worry, we'll get it done...." Oh REEEEEALLY? How exactly? We aren't allowed in our classrooms! My telepathic or transporting or whatever you call it abilities are not up to snuff at the moment.

And this all reminds me that 1. I freakin' LOVE summer since I became a teacher, and 2. I freakin' LOVE summer. Hot? Bring it. We're in Texas, so it's hot all the time, anyhow. Humid? Fine with me. It's either here or visiting relatives in Florida. Teeny bit humid there.

Which reminds me: I need to travel again. Badly. And I NEED a Birkin! I really am beginning to think this is a necessity. Which proves I'm not in my right mind. Google Hermes Birkin and see whatcha get. Yeah. I know. Insane.

Sanford has been on my case continually about the stupid cell phones. He can't operate anything that was made after the year 1345, so he cannot operate his. He never has been able to. He needs a sundial to strap around his wrist. He thinks answering machines will steal his soul. He finds things like washing new sheets and clothes and towels before they are used to be "weird". He has sideburns like it's still 1973(which it is, in his head). He can't give directions worth a damn. "Proceed approximately 469 yards east to the 200 block of Crazy Street. Turn west at the T intersection of Crazy and Lunatic Avenue. The mall is in the 600 block on the Northsouth side of the roadway." Seriously. Give me a landmark: say something like "It's behind the Jason's Deli" or something like that. Dont' give me block numbers and cardinal directions for the love of Pete. I have a GPS for that, and that damned thing tried to make us turn on the bridge that goes over the Potomac River in D.C. "Turn right...ding ding!" Well, if we had it would have been an epic mistake. Believe me. He was getting on my case about being irresponsible with money so I just wrote the word "EXPENSIVE" on a piece of paper in red crayon and gave it to him and told him to just hold it up in front of his face so I could see the word everytime he saw me. It will save him a lot of talking. It will have as much effect, too. Nutjob.

But, I'm going to see Kathy Griffin tomorrow night! Yay! Open bar after party! Woot! Sanford is my Designated Driver! This means we'll never make it home alive. The show is in Austin and we live about an hour away. We are doomed to circle the Capital of Texas for weeks or until the car runs out of gas because he won't be able to find the freeway. If this happens, send out a search party.

We'll be in the 400 block of Homicide Highway. It T intersects Crazedexcop Road.

Beach Reads

One of my favorite Twitter people has just put up their Beach Reads list. It's great...and summer is winding down! Find out what you should read while smelling the ocean and listening to the seagulls steal your Fritos!

http://www.flashlightworthybooks.com/category/Best-Beach-Reads/126?fromhome=1

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

So Here's the Thing:

My shoulder is slowly killing me. However, I have to get 5 chapters ready to send to an agent. Blessing? YES! Scary as hell? YES!

A couple of things I love:

Kathy Griffin
Ghosthunters
Writing
80s New Wave music
Ice cream
Family
Florida Gators
Spas and all they entail unless it entails me getting slathered with something disgusting and laying on a table and getting showered on a morgue like table. Do my fingernails or toenails or hair or a massage or facial? I'm down. Otherwise, not so much.

A Couple of things I do not love:

Rachel Zoe and her like, project I die.
Lying
Not being able to have an Hermes Birkin right this very minute. I don't think I could talk Wally into $60,000.00 for a purse
Seeing a guy's manly bits while waiting for a massage in the "quiet" room at a spa. ATTENTION DUDES: If you are naked under a robe that opens in the front, please don't sit down and let your legs splay apart like you usually do. You don't have to sit all fancy pants, but PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SHOW EVERYONE YOUR CASH AND PRIZES!

Okay. Finished for now.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I Take No Pride In This

but it's the truth. I am addicted to the "Real Housewives of New Jersey". I do not want detox, either. I love it. My husband is now addicted, as well. I am so wrapped up in the lives of those women I talk about them all the time. I feel the same about Bethenny from the New York version.

I must say the DC version is looking interesting. There is some girl who claims to have grown up with the Kennedys, some vague European woman who is called a "bitch" on the commercial, but seriously, she was rude saying Americans have no manners. Of course, the kid who responded by calling her a bitch sorta proved her point for her.

Now, it's almost time for me to return to work. How will I do without my daylong marathons? I must now go, because it's time to watch Danielle and Kim G. get in a fight!