Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Thank the Baby Jesus or whoever

I have a hair appointment today. It's been literally MONTHS since I was able to match up schedules with the girl who does my hair. She is a keratin genius. She is unfathomably brilliant with hair. I adore her. Except, so do a lot of other people, which pisses me off.

So, I go back to work in a couple of days, and boy am I excited! (that was sarcasm you detected...you were correct.) I dread it. I need a pedicure, a manicure, it's almost time for a Botox booster and a Juvederm re-do. But last time, on the Juvederm, they screwed up my top lip. I wasn't really aware of this, until a good friend of mine who works for a major high end cosmetic company said to me, "What's up with your lips? They're all jacked up." Ohhh, my good dear friend, Wendy. I will not buy your product for...maybe two weeks because of that insult. Jacked up. My lips. Great.

My Mom adopted that saying because she is anti beauty. She hates that I get Botox and all that. I say Botox saves.

My brother even sneaked it in during Father's day brunch. He was blah blahing about some cop thing and he said, "Plus, you have jacked up lips." Wait. Whah? I don't listen to him with both ears, usually. I just nod and pretend to listen while flipping him off while our parents aren't looking. I also mouth the words "fuck you" to him on a regular basis across the table. I was so busy plotting my next torture that I almost let the "jacked up" comment slide. But if I get ready to say something about his appearance, my Mom asks to speak to me to tell me he is very vain and concerned about his appearance. Bullshit! I'm 44 and female! I have a child going off to college this year, and one next year, and God willing, another in 4 years! I can't even donate my eggs because they are too old! And you are telling me to go easy on my BROTHER WHO IS FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME? Eff that.

I said something along the lines of "you couldn't find your ass with a map, it's so flat..." and that pretty much shut down the family fun for the day. I don't care. I hate family fun with my family. I'd rather have it with someone else's family. Someone like, oh I don't know...nobody. I'd rather be alone.

I like reading, sleeping, writing...all solitary activities. No team sports for me. No scrapbooking with "the gals" for me. I don't join bookclubs and read particular books and discuss them with people, because I'm sure to disagree with them and think they are morons, and more than likely I'll tell them that, too. Friends? I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention. To be my friend, you have to have a thick skin, and not really care if you see me on a regular basis. You have to have the same sense of humor I do, and think the things I like are awesome and the things I hate are sucky.

And to think, I've been married three times. Wait. Heeeeyyyyyy...could that be the reason? Nahhhhh....

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