Sunday, February 24, 2013

59 Things

This is 59 things about my husband.

1. He is 59
2. He remembers Kennedy being assassinated. I wasn't even born. Hah.
3. He went to Berkeley yet wasn't a hippie.
4. He was an officer in the US Army.
5. He was a police officer for 25 years.
6. He loves dogs.
7. Like, really REALLY loves dogs.
8. He does nothing but post stupid crap on his Facebook all day long while I work my ass off.
9. He is kind to animals.
10. He never says "I'm sorry".
11. He never admits he is wrong.
12. He is not good with gift giving. He is getting better, though. Or maybe I'm better at just getting what I want on my own.
13. He has a soft heart.
14. He is an only child.
15. He is deaf as a door post.
16. He has a HORRIBLE TEMPER.
17. He is very different.
18. He can quote any Texas state law. Weird.
19. He is not religious.
20. Yet he agrees with the right wing Tea Party nut jobs.
21. He considers putting a load of laundry UNSORTED AND ON THE WRONG SETTING into the washer as a day's work.
22. He is hysterically funny.
23. He is brilliant.
24. He believes in aliens. Not illegal aliens. Just..space aliens.
25. He thinks we are aliens.
26. He watches the news every single night without fail. National and local. Twice.
27. He is the biggest miser you ever met in your life.
28. He has an irrational fear of having no money.
29. He bought a house with cash when he was in his 20s.
30. He built a house with cash in his 30s.
31. He has a lovely wife.
32. He created a gorgeous, brilliant daughter.
33. He pisses me off really, really badly a lot.
34. But he makes me laugh even more.
35. He is who I want to be with for the rest of my life.
36. He claims to be on a diet but eats all day long.
37. He thinks "walking" the dogs down the block as they run in circles and bark to be "exercise".
38. This is getting difficult....59 is old.
39. He is 100% wrong politically.
40. Deep down inside he must know this.
41. He is a gun fanatic.
42. He is an AMAZING shot. I mean...creepily good.
43. He checks our fund balances and bank balance and credit card (1) HOURLY.
44. He uses a CPAP machine to sleep and looks like a Russian cosmonaut.
45. He is quite hairy.
46. He is an excellent father.
47. He has no spine with his children, though. They can walk all over him. Which is why God made mothers, I guess.
48. He supports me. NOT FINANCIALLY. I work my ass off.
49. He also does the financial, though.
50. He likes dogs way better than people.
51. He won't wear pants unless it's really cold.
52. Ditto for closed toe shoes.
53. We couldn't go to dinner on a cruise because he brought no pants. Only shorts.
54. He isn't a beach person.
55. He likes to find crap and keep it.
56. He loves dumpster diving.
57. He thinks he can fix and/or make anything. He is wrong.
58. He has huge eyebrows.
59. He is the love of my life.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

16 Things

16 things about my son Tyler. (Again, because he is 16.)

1. He can't decide which name he wants to be called by. His given name is Nathaniel Tyler Brewer. We have always called him Tyler. His school calls him variations of "Nathan", (um, NO), "Nathaniel", "Nate" *HELL NO* and Tyler.

2. He is enormous. Like his bones are huge.

3. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen.

4. Ditto for his eyelashes. Only they aren't blue. They are black and long and curly.

5. He is funny as hell.

6. He is a Mama's boy. In a good way.

7. He has an amazing amount of self confidence. (That's a good thing.)

8. He has a crazy ability to remember historical information and classical music names, composers, and their lives.

9. He couldn't care less about grades.

10. He feels that the world is truly his oyster. Or Chicken Nugget. Whatever. It's there for his taking.

11. We still say things the way he said them as a baby because they were so weird. He called my brother, "Kiko Hess". He was trying to say, "Uncle Sam". 1

12. If he had been the first, he'd have been the last.

13. He weighed almost 11 pounds at birth and was 24" long.

14. He is also my heart and soul. I couldn't and wouldn't want to live without him.

15. He makes me laugh every day.

16. He is far smarter than he believes.

Monday, February 11, 2013

20 Things

These are 20 things about my son, Jack. You know, since he is 20 and all.

1. He is brilliant.
2. He has short femurs. (Those aren't like lemurs...they are your thigh bones.)
3. He had a "danger list" when he was little. Magma was at the top of the list. Can't argue with that.
4. He has been banned for life from the Auburn Hills Public Library in Auburn Hills, Michigan.
5. Ditto for the Auburn Hills Nature Trail.
6. He trips over his words.
7. He calls everything a "thingie".
8. I hear "Somewhere Out There" and I cry because we used to dance to that song when he was little.
9. He used to enact every Disney movie as he watched it. Exhausting.
10. He still doesn't sleep through the night.
11. He has sweet hands.
12. He cares nothing about clothing.
13. He is an excellent cook.
14. I was told by a third party today that he is "such a kind and polite young man". I am proud.
15. He is honest.
16. He is my heart.
17. He made me a Mother.
18. He deserves the best in life.
19. He is a dinosaur fanatic.
20. I have never loved anyone more.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

47 Things.

Here are some(my age) things about me. They may not surprise you and will probably bore you.

1. I'm short.
2. I'm a very picky eater.
3. I could read Jane Austen all day long.
4. I am in real true love with Mr. Darcy. And Jack Bauer. And Ryan Gosling. Actually, I have a horrible problem with men. (Only men I have no chance with or who are imaginary.)
5. I still think I have a shot at being an Olympic figure skater although I've only skated on ice once and ended up badly bruised.
6. I have one brother. Thank God.
7. I have no sisters. Thank God.
8. I have been married for over 20 years.
9. Not to the same man, just..you know...continuously.
10. I take no bullshit.
11. I'm not easily intimidated.
12. I think I'm pretty damned smart.
13. I'm fairly well-read.
14. I'm a damned fine teacher.
15. I cannot tolerate insincerity.
16. Ditto for lying.
17. Ditto for hypochondriacs.
18. Ditto for hypocrites.
19. I have a low tolerance level for lots of things.
20. I have met many famous people, had many famous people buy me alcohol, sang with famous people on stage, (badly) and even dated one, but I am not, myself, famous.
21. I think I would make a kick ass spy. Or ninja. Or pirate.
22. I have a foul mouth. It's a bad habit, I know.
23. I have been arrested in Mexico. Allegedly.
24. I have never been arrested anywhere else.
25. I trust almost nobody. Period. Flaw? I don't think so. Smart? Undoubtedly.
26. I have ridden a mechanical bull, and I did it with flair and skill.
27. I can no longer tolerate even the smell of tequila. Or Brandy. Or Cognac. Or Orange Juice.
28. When I was pregnant and certain foods made me sick, I couldn't stop imagining them and then getting sick because I was imagining them. It was horrible. I would put the can of tomato soup WAAAY in the back of the cabinet and when I opened the cabinet the first thing I thought was, "Oh my God, that disgusting tomato soup is back there..." then I would retch.
29. I take things very literally. If you tell me you flew a flag OVER something, I assume you placed the flag in an airplane and FLEW IT OVER the place. I can't help it.
30. I'm blonde.
31. I can parallel park the SHIT out of any vehicle.
32. I have nightmares about falling off of windmills.
33. I have no bones in my left pinky toe.
34. I can(and did)have an 11 pound baby naturally, bitches.
35. I think Lamaze is the stupidest shit ever invented.
36. Next to Zumba, that is.
37. I'm a pretty good shot. You know, with a gun and all that.
38. I will kill someone if they come in my house or threaten me or my loved ones. I don't stop and ask questions. Bang. You're dead.
39. I was afraid Jaws was in my bathtub when I was little.
40. I am an insomniac.
41. I have multiple mental disorders which have been diagnosed. I cope. I take meds. Don't tell me you have an anger problem. I'll rip your face off.
42. I wish I wasn't as old as this, because I am out of shit to say.
43. I can tell you what year any song came out in my lifetime. Well, in my lifetime after I was about 7 or 8.
44. I'm pretty good with trivial information.
45. I have had several car accidents. One bad one. My fault.
46. My eyes burn like...ALL.THE.TIME.
47. Whew. Finally. Ummm....I'm not 50. AND, I'm not dead.
Waaalaa...there ya go.