Heard Today in Elementary School

A small child to me: "When is YOUR baby coming out?" I replied, "My babies came out over 15 years ago..." Child: Noooo!!! Silly!!!! *she pats my stomach* You have a baby in there!" Um, no. Thank you for plunging my self esteem into the absolute depths of hell, oh sweet child.

About 2 minutes before this conversation, another small child who was holding a stuffed dolphin, made the dolphin "bite" my left boob. He then laughed and said, "I call him Sharkey! He bit your boobie!" I didn't even know what to say to that. So, I said, "He's a dolphin." Wow. Way to educate the future. It wasn't a SHARK that bit me in the boob, it was a DOLPHIN. Teacher of the year.

Last week, another group of small children I was passing while walking my class to lunch said, "Hey, you have a clown face!" I at first thought they must be talking to another child, but no...they were addressing me. I stopped and said, "Excuse me?" and they repeated, "You have a clown face." I said, "Wow. THANK you! That is SO sweet of you!!!" I began to walk away, But no. It wasn't over. Another child grabbed my leg, and began hugging me. The child's arms began moving slowly up my leg and well....it was sort of an uncomfortable; almost a sexual assault. Before I could stop the child, their hands were in my "No no, don't touch" place. I quickly said, "Whoa....let's move the arms down a little, k?" After that, I hear from behind me, "Yeah, you do have a clown face. And a clown nose." By now, I was flustered, and yet curious as to what made these children think my face was clownish at that particular time. I said, "Really? What about my nose is like a clown? Is it big and red and does it have a red ball on it? Is it just big? Do I have clown feet? Do I have a frownie face drawn over my lips?" To which the answer was a couple of seconds of quiet contemplation on the part of the child, then a definite affirmative nod and these words, "Yes. Your nose is gigantic and red and like a clown."
So. I look like a pregnant clown with a larger than average clown nose. AND someone got to third base with me without even trying.