Sunday, April 10, 2011

Stop the MADNESS!!!

Here's the deal: there needs to be some sort of guidelines or book or LAWS even that prevent people from naming their children horrendously heinous things. Seriously.
A couple of names I've seen or experienced as actual legal names of children lately:

Sexana. Couple of problems with this name. Number one: WHAT.THE.HELL? Number two: What can this child expect to do for a living when they grow up? I can think of three things: 1. Stripper 2. Prostitute 3. Porn star. Seriously. SEXANA? God bless you, child. You'll need it. Shame on your idiot parents.

Any variation of "Queen" "Princess" "Prince" "Duke" "Duchess" "Count" "Sir"...just any royalty based or that sort of claptrap. Stop it. I'm not calling your child "Sir" anything. He's a child. (Hopefully the child is a boy if named "Sir", however, don't count on it.)

Any variation of gemstones. Please, for the love, no more "DIAMONDS" or "SAPPHIRES" or anything like that. Come on. "And now, Gentlemen, I present to you our star performer on the pole....Princess Sexana Diamond!!!!" Oh, this includes "Jade" and any variation to include "Jadyn" or any other made up crap.

Stupid spellings of fairly common names in an attempt to make them more "unique". Don't be a moron! If it's a fairly common name, it cannot be unique! "Madison" should not be "Madysin" or "Madisyn" or any other nonsense. "Mackenzie" is a last name, first of all, then, do not further complicate it by spelling it, ""Mackynzie" or crap like that. Seriously. Think of the child's difficulty learning to spell that in Kindergarten. For the love. Teachers work to teach phonics, and you throw a damned wrench in the plans with some effed up misspelled name that follows no phonetic rules. Please. Settle for Beth. Settle for Mary. Settle for Ann. Come on.

Stop being dumbass medieval fakers. Don't try to use Shakespearean names especially when you've probably never read any of his works. A big fat "NO" goes to "Cymbeline" because you don't know what she was, and you'll spell it all jacked up. (I do consider "Jack" to be a PERFECT name for a boy, however. Nathaniel and Tyler are also excellent male names. Just my humble opinion of my children's names.)
Forget "Ophelia". For the love of God, she killed herself after being used in a plot to bring down the potential Kingdom of the man she sorta had a crush on. She had a pervert father who did nothing but stand behind curtains and eavesdrop for the treacherous murderous fake King who had killed her "boyfriend's" father who was the actual King. THEN, married Hamlet's (Ophelia's crazy/not crazy crush) mother. Incidentally, the real king was the fake king's BROTHER. So he killed his own brother, then married his sister in law. No wonder Ophelia killed herself and Hamlet was a nutjob.
"Juliet" killed herself, too, by the way. "Julius Caesar" not only was real, but he was viciously assassinated by a bunch of dudes including his best friend, Brutus. So, Brutus is off the table, too. ROMEO? Please. No more Romeos. I cannot handle it. Anything including "Maxim", "Maximus", etc...forget it.
Don't expect me to call your child "Precious" or "Treasure" or "Priceless". Please. I don't even call my own kids that all the time. I'm sure not going to call your kid that.
Don't name your child after an animal. No "Ravens" or "Falcons" or other stupid black eyeliner inspired names, please. Go listen to Morrissey and smoke clove cigarettes instead. Please. Don't bring a human being into it and give them a horrific name.
Leave the random punctuation marks out of it, I beg of you. Don't string a bunch of letters together, stick a few accent marks and hyphens in it and call it a name. It isn't, and everyone will always misspell your child's name. No more "De" before a name. No more "Le" or "La" prior to a name. Quit sticking the letter "O" at the end of your son's name.
Quit naming all your kids with names that start with the same first letter. It gets so damned confusing. "This is Susan, Sterling, Simian, Spawn, Sperm, Spleen, and Spain. They are all the Smith children. " Are you that lazy? Are you THAT into alliteration????
Finally, to end my completely self-serving rant, I'd like to say, please don't choose some random combination of letters, not know how to pronounce it, then look it up and not be able to find it. THEN, say, "I'm not sure it's a real name...should I use it?" If you have to ask that, the answer is most definitively NO.

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