Sunday, January 3, 2016

Did you know that if you say ROFL, you sound like Scooby Doo saying "Waffles"? Well, you do.


Hey y'all. I will try and include a little nugget of wisdom in this here blog occasionally. Maybe.

So, still on Christmas break. I have actually been on break since September 21st. Tomorrow, I must return and I'm not happy and I'm terrified. Why? the kids have been with the sub WAY longer than I had them. I can't remember their names. I have to figure out where they all are reading level wise and math ability wise. Le soupir. (For all you you who write LE SIGH. Just say it right. Le soupir. That is french for that. So there.


Je ne veux pas retourner au travail. For real. I just feel....eck. Hey, did you ever notice those stupid little cars like I don't know, nissans and toyotas that young guys do all that stupid stuff to? Maybe it's just here in this Fosse de l'enfer et le d├ęsespoir . Le sigh. Anyhow, they make them way low to the ground, put all these colored lights on them, (ILLEGAL, PEOPLE!) and make them super loud. They are idiots. That's all I have to say about that.

Okay, see if you can riddle me this: the other day, we were in Austin. We were in traffic, and I hear a train horn IN MY RIGHT EAR LIKE IT IS BEARING DOWB ON ME. I actually screamed and ducked. My Daddy was a Railroad Engineer, so I know the sound of a train horn. THIS was a train horn. I had such a panic attack, I almost got out of the car to drag that dipshit out of his care and roundhouse kick him the hell out of Austin. Maybe in the vicinity of College Station. I asked my husband through tears, "Why would anyone do that? That was just mean! He is trying to just scare people! Waaaahhhhhh!" (I cry when I am really scared suddenly. My husband informed me that having it that loud was not legal. I swear, everyone nearby was looking around screaming. Everyone. It would have been funny if it wasn't SO DAMNED SCARY! Some people have to carry generators in their cars to make ridiculously loud horns work. It takes too much of the car's power if they honk the horn. Idiots.

While I'm on the topic of horns, I give you: *this has absolutely nothing to do with horns.*

THINGS MY MOM SAYS



If you play in the dirt, you'll get worms.

If you bite your nails, you'll get worms.

If you walk in the dirt barefooted, you will get ...what the hell...that worm that is in pork. Trichomania? That sounds an awful like trichitillomania. OH! TRICHINOSIS!!! Whew...that was bothering me. I was wayyyy down about the little old lady and had to figure this one out. DAMN...I JUST TOLD YOU THERE IS A LITTLE OLD LADY!

If you don't come in before it gets dark, the gypsies will steal you and sell you into white slavery. *for more on this, read my book. Coming soon* and by soon I mean someday.

Don't sleep in your socks. You'll die.

HOLD STILL!!!!!! (crack! ) (sound of hairbrush hitting my head). How will I ever comb through this mess if you move? My hair was down to my ass. I guess it was hard to get through it NIGHTLY AND PUT PINK FOAM ROLLERS IN IT. Hey, guys? I HAVE NATURALLY CURLY HAIR. So...yeah

Now, you know that isn't right!

Can I get you some tea?

He's a bastard.

Well, I don't care...he is.

You know, I'm going to die soon, so you need to.....(whatever...it always changes)

If I get old and senile and slow, do you promise that you'll kill me? *sidebar here* This was a conversation we had as we entered the mall. There was a sweet little old hunched over lady in front of us. She crawled at a snail's pace
But come on...she was elevendy million years old. We couldn't get around her because...I don't know why, but we couldn't. She was pretty wily and light on her feet, I guess. So, as we are slowly following her...my Mom asks me to murder her. MURDER HER. Sit back and ruminate on that for a damned minute. Has your mother EVER asked you to MURDER HER? The shock I had was zero. She always says this type of thing. So I said, "No. I won't murder you."
"But why? I don't want to be a burden".
"But you want me to spend my life in prison and probably get the death sentence from MURDERING YOU? You want me to leave my children without a mother? You think, "Well she wanted me to kill her" will be a good defense?" She had nothing to say THEN. Mom:0 Me: 19,000,000,000,000; *approximately*

*Xanax bottle open: Xanax in the mouth...slow and steady...ooookkkay. I'm not going to run screaming everywhere.* So yeah...there is that one.

WHAT????? CHLAMYDIA???????? WHAT?????OHMYGOD! This was accompanied by much running in circles and probably twirling herself up in the phone cord. (remember those?) *To get the full story, read my book...when I get it published. I'll keep you informed.*

Taking a bath is sitting in a tub of your own filth.(which would explain why she gave us baths every night.)

I don't care what the beach is like, the only good beach in the world is Pensacola Beach (where she was born). I don't like the Atlantic side, I like the Gulf side. Pensacola Beach has sand that looks like pure sugar...it's just beautiful. sidebar* Meh. It's a beach. We have a shitton of them in Texas.*

I have NEVER received a ticket in my life! I turned around and there was a cop with his lights on. I said, "Uh, Mom...you better pull over." She thought I was joking. My Dad told her to pull over. She finally did and was all prissy with cop.

Someone will kidnap you.

You'll get kidnapped and taken to Juarez. They do that, you know.

If people see you playing in the yard, they will kidnap you. *bear in mind this was the early 70s...there was nobody like ISIS around. Hippies, yes. Crazed people searching for kids...few and far between.*

You can's have pixie stixs. I TOLD YOU THAT LITTLE BOY DIED AFTER HE ATE ONE!! I DON'T CARE IF IT WAS LACED WITH ACID! HE DIED!!! HE ATE A PIXIE STIX.

You are such a sweet little girl *I am in my late 40s*. Come sit on yo Mama's lap. Um..no thanks. Then she gets mad and begins screaming that I am an ungrateful child..not all children have good mothers, you know!

OHMYGOD!!! YOU ARE VOMITING!!!! OH MY GOD! DON'T CHOKE TO DEATH! YOU'RE VOMITING. DON'T CHOKE, YOU COULD CHOKE. OHMYGOD!!!! Again, running around and achieving nothing. This is why when my children threw up, I would pat their backs gently and tell them to let it out, it will be over soon. They have no issues with vomit, now. I'd rather be in Guantanamo Bay than throw up.

I AM EXHAUSTED NOW.
And hey, y'all? PLEASE COMMENT SO I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS. IT'S VERY DISHEARTENING TO LOOK HERE AND THERE ARE NO COMMENTS EVER!.. PLUS? IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL GET KIDNAPPED.
See y'all later!

1 comment:

Wallace Freeman said...

I'll leave you a comment. I LIKED this one. It seemed quite different in tone and style than the proto-book you let me read. All you folks waiting on the book have me to blame for any delays. I'm not a valid critic but my wife takes my comments about her writing too seriously. The stuff I read usually includes ancient aliens and alternative history.