Famous People and Shit

So, it was recently pointed out to me that I "know" many famous people. As I prepared to smugly agree with this person, it occurred to me that I do not, in fact, KNOW famous people. I have had drive by introductions to some. I have had some buy me drinks, I have gotten on stage with some and given a rousing rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama", although I'm not sure they knew how to play it.

Let's run down the list of "famous" people I've "ALMOST" met.

1. Who: Helen Hunt Where: Some random card/novelty store is some place in Los Angeles. She smiled at me, I smiled at her and that was that.

2. Who: Stevie Ray Vaughn Where: Some dive in Austin. My friend and I were obviously QUITE hot and desirable because dudes bought us drinks all the time, then got mad at us for throwing up on them and shit. Very touchy. Anyhow, Stevie Ray Vaughn played at some bar one night, and after he came over to the bar where my friend and I were taking free drinks with gusto, he said he would be buying for us for the rest of the night. All the other non famous dudes skulked away sadly, while we boozed it up with Stevie. Big Fail: We didn't really know or care who he was at the time. We sucked.

3. Who: Lou Diamond Philips Where: A bar in Juarez, Mexico that we all frequented. Well, not him, but all of us kids. I had to pull my best friend off of him because they were making out in a disgusting fashion right in the middle of the bar. I kept yelling at her, "STOP MAKING OUT WITH THE LA BAMBA GUY!" Because, come on...he is gross.

4 Who: Various Dallas Cowboys Where: Various places. Here's the deal. I met and sort of hung out with Cliff Harris when I was a younger lady. He confused me for my cousin and signed a book to me saying the "night" he spent with me had "changed his life". When I say "younger" lady, I mean like 14, tops. I was changing no lives. My cousin, on the other hand...who knows. I do remember Cliff had a nice ass. And my Mom peed her pants when he came over to meet everyone. We are classy like that.

Then, there is Emmitt Smith, or as my family calls him, "EJ". My grandfather worked for the University of Florida athletic department. He knew so many people it's bizarre. Anyhow, Emmitt was one of the guys who stayed in touch with my grandpa until he died. (My grandpa, not Emmitt...he's still alive). Emmitt was super nice and not at all durpy like he is in the Academy commercials. My grandpa also knew Michael Jordan and Joe Paterno, but would have disowned Joe had he been alive during the scandal. My grandpa is in the Nike Hall of Fame with one other dude. Michael Fucking Jordan. Big Fail: I've never met Michael Jordan.

Okay, let's see...who else?
Oh shit. Seriously. Hang on to your asses for this one. I cry almost daily over this near true life love story.

Who: JOHNNY FUCKING DEPP AND LEONARDO FUCKING DICAPRIO Where: That little town east of Austin where they filmed "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". My (at the time) husband was a paramedic and the film company kept an ambulance on the set at all times. Well, they actually needed them to drive the ambulance in one scene when Leonardo climbs a water tower. Yeah, that's my dumbass ex driving the ambulance. So, I had no idea who was in the movie or what he was doing for his off duty employment. I didn't give a rat's ass because I was approximately 140 months pregnant with my first child. I was not giving a fuck about much of anything except giving birth at that point.
So, one evening, I receive a call from the fool I was married to, and he told me he would be late because he was going out for drinks with a couple of guys from the set. He also told me I should come. I said, "No! I am disgusting!" He said, "No, you're fine...drive out here...these guys are really nice." I said, "Who are they?" He said, "Some guy named Leo DiCaprio and then that guy you liked from that show 21 Jump Street...Johnny whatever." *silence*
Him: Hello? Are you there?
Me: Silence
Him: Hey, are you okay?
Me: WAAAAHHHHH!!! You are going out with Johhny Depp??? Are you fucking kidding me??? Goddammit!!!! Who the hell is Leo DiCaprio, I guess he is hot as lava, too, right??? GODDAMMIT, SONUVABITCH!!!!
Him: So you know who I'm talking about?
Me: I HATE YOU! YOU SONUVABITCH!!! YOU KNOW I'M ENORMOUS AND HORMONAL!! YOU KNOW NO MAN WILL LIKE ME!!! I HATE YOU!
Him: Okay, so I'll see you later, okay? all around big effing fail right there.

Who: Larry Gatlin Where: On a Southwest Airlines flight from Austin to Nashville. I know, I know...what the hell, right? Yeah, it's the guy who sang "All the Gold in California". The Gatlin Brothers and all that. Country music from the 1980s that my Dad listened to in the car. Me...I'm not a fan. However, as we got seated and my brother and I were looking around, we both saw him walk past our seats and our eyes immediately met and we both at the exact same time began singing and snapping our fingers loudly to "ALL THE GOOOLLLLD IN CALIFORRRNIA IS IN A BANK IN THE MIDDLE OF BEVERLY HILLS...IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAME...." Mr. Gatlin seemed displeased, as he whipped his head around and met our blank stares. At the airport in Nashville, he was waiting for a connecting flight, as were we, and my dad decided to go "make friends" with him. I'm sure he enjoyed that. I am sure the conversation went something like this:

Dad: Ah bet yew git lotsa people who recuhnaz yew.
Gatlin: Not really. I suck.
Dad: Ah always lakked yer music.
Gatlin: Thanks.
Dad: Mah kids thank thur funny sanging lak that. Ahm sorry they did that to yew.
Gatlin: Don't worry. I suck. I deserve it.
Dad: Welp, okay then. Been nas talkin' to ya.

Who: Weird Al Yankovic Where: Bee Caves Road in Austin. To be honest, I cannot really call this a near miss or a meeting. See, we were driving and on the other side of the road a car approached us and Weird Al was sitting in the front passenger seat with his feet hanging out the window. We all hollered, "WEIRD AL YANKOVIC!! DID YOU SEE THAT?' And that was the end of that.

Who: Bob Lily ( in case you don't recognize the name he is a famous ex Dallas Cowboy who my Mom had a horrible crush on when I was a child. She put up pictures of him to piss my Dad off.) Anyhow, ever since then, our family seems to like...run into him in weird places. Malls, art galleries, public restrooms, no really...mall public restrooms. Well, my Dad and brother did. Mom and I were out waiting. It's like we expect to see him, now. I'm sure he thinks we are stalking him. But he is all old and not hot so nah. Not happening.

Speaking of old: Who: Charlie Waters and (again) Cliff Harris Where: Book festival at the state capitol building in Austin. See, Mom and I were walking around and I spied them at a table signing books about the "Doomsday Defense", and there was a HUGE ASSED line of women who obviously remembered their fine asses and deft football movements with extreme clarity. They were all old women, but still... So, I whispered really loudly to my Mom, "OH.MY.GOD. LOOK! IT'S CHARLIE WATERS!!!!" I had his poster in my room when I was a teenager because he was unbelievably hot and amazing and I hate the Seattle Seahawks to this day because they ruined his career by hurting his knee so badly. Anyhow, my Mom says, "YOUR'RE RIGHT!" (she never speaks normally. She is always yelling.) "AND THAT IS CLIFF HARRIS! REMEMBER WHEN I TINKLED IN MY PANTS WHEN HE CAME OVER???" So, of course, people looked at us, and Cliff Harris recognized me..all of 30 years later and waved us over. We cut in front of the legion of elderly women who immediately put out hits on us, and Charlie who I had loved so very tenderly in my youth was now a wrinkled OLD looking man. And they were sitting down so I could not judge their asses, sadly. However, Cliff Harris reiterated in an embarrassing way how one night with me had CHANGED HIS LIFE..AND HE WOULD NEVER FORGET ME. He even WROTE IT IN THE BOOK. I was appalled and dismayed and afterwards my Mother wouldn't let up. "When did you go out with him??? What did you do, for God's sake???" The legion of old lady fans glared at me like I was the town strumpet. Which, I guess I was, but not for that.


Who: That Wilson Brother. Not the one with the nose, the other one. Where: The Bob Bullock Museum of Texas History. Luke or whatever his name is was filming the movie "Idiocracy" and some scenes took place there. My kids were little, and I was standing in the hallway outside of the restrooms waiting for my four year old to come out. I hear, "Mooomyyy...come help me wipe my butt!" Then, a very tall, exceedingly handsome and very familiar looking guy came out and said, "Ma'am, do you have a little boy?" I croaked out, "Yes..." He said, "Do you want me to leave the room and you can go in?" and I stood there. My husband walked up and I said, "Go help Tyler." Then, I profusely thanked Luke or Owen or whatever his name is. The one with brown hair who is cute. That one.

Who: The Smithereens Where: A bar in El Paso. My friend (the one who made out with La Bamba) and I were feeling no pain and we just jumped up and grabbed microphones and told them to play "Sweet Home Alabama" and they obliged and we sang with them, and it was probably god awful. I don't remember. It was fun, though, I'm sure. Evidently, they had no security.

*People I've only seen, but not met* In London, I saw Gene Hackman walk by a pub we were in.
In London, I either saw Ben Affleck or his twin at a tube station. I don't even think he's cute, so I wouldn't be imagining that.
In London, I nearly threw down with exercise guru Denise Austin. She CUT IN FRONT OF ME AT THE TOWER OF LONDON. She was babbling about "Can we use a Fast Pass here?" and I poked her and said, "Hey, this isn't DisneyWorld, go to the back of the li----hey are you Denise Austin?" and she said, "Yeah!" and I became an imbecile and said, "I used your videos when I was pregnant...." and then she cut in front of us.
That's all I can think of right now. There are probably others, as I'm always saying, "Oh yeah, I met him once...I was at...blah blah blah.." and everyone sits open mouthed and thinks I'm lying. Why would I make up Lou Diamond Philips for the love of God? Not one shit do I give about him.

I will keep you updated as to my near brushes with fame as they occur. They never surprise me and they always surprise others. Weird.