Hey Ya'll

Well, the book is coming along. It's changed itself about 20 times. I have no control over it! Anyhow, I don't know if the humor has had a chance to come through. I did a lot of crap at the beginning, so I need to edit A LOT. I wish I could just put the funniest posts up so people could read them.

Hey, did I tell ya'll about the time my Mama woke up chewing gum? Okay, well...it happened like this. My Daddy used to snore like a wombat or some other snore-y type animal. Nothing stopped him. We would touch him and say, "Turn over!" He'd start up again. This was before those Cosmonaut facial breathing machines that everyone seems to be using these days. That seems to solve it. Anyhow, my Mom had to wear earplugs in order to go to sleep and stay asleep. She is one of those people who love to tell you every last minute detail of her weird assed dreams. So, one morning, she came up to me and said, "Do you know what happened last night?" Well, there are so many possible answers...and I was a teenager, so I just said "Nope. I sure don't."

Well, she launched into this long description of her dream. It was boring as hell, but the end made it all worthwhile.
"And then I was chewing gum in the dream, and you know what I did?" Me: Nope. "I woke up chewing my earplugs!!" I proceeded to laugh my ass off. One of those really good laughs wear you really do fall on the floor or nearby furniture and you can't stop. You want to ask questions, but when you start to speak, you just keep laughing. When I was laughing, my Mom got all offended. Which made me laugh harder. After I got myself settled, she said, "That isn't even as good as the time that I was ice skating with penguins." Oh dear lord have mercy. I thought I'd have to go to the emergency room. Laughing that hard and long can't be good for you.

I don't remember if I told you about the time I put every single box of condoms in her grocery cart when she wasn't looking. THAT. WAS. AMAZING. She was babbling about how she had not put those in her cart. The cashier was just saying, "Do you want them or not?" I was staring at the floor snorting and trying not to laugh. I got into some trouble about that, but damn, it was so worth it. She is very lady like and very prudish. Having something like that happening to her is incredibly humiliating. Which is why it's funny. Why do we find humiliating people so funny? Like, when someone falls...say you don't laugh. Go ahead. Liar. You do. Unless there is an injury or something, you laugh. You remember it forever, too. Then you start laughing all over again.

I have to have surgery next week. I'd tell you why but it is far too humiliating. I feel like throwing up because of how gross it is. I'll spare you.

Helpful Tip: Magma is dangerous. Stay away from it.