Happy Whatever, everyone! I do not like this time of year, so I wish all of you a theft free holiday. I figure that is pretty nice and very generic. So there. That is what I wish you.

This is our yearly holiday letter that I started a few years ago in answer to all of the "Holiday Update" letters we get from people instead of a nice, normal card. So, here we go.

I hope you all have had a lovely year! We sure haven't! Well, we are all alive. I suppose that is as much as anyone can ask, really.

I have no Christmas/Hanukkah wish-list. I hope nobody I know does, either. Why? Nobody is getting a damned thing this year. Why? We have no dollars. Why? Well, because the stock market ain't so swell, and lo and behold, Wally had a stroke on September 21st. HIS BIRTHDAY, by the way. What is the Universe telling us? Nothing good, that's for sure. So, after they got him to the hospital, he had a second stroke. Airlifted to another hospital. ICU for a week or so, then acute care for a few weeks. Then a rehab hospital for several weeks. Now home with continued physical therapy. He cannot work, drive, do anything manual and needs help with many other tasks. It infuriates him. What infuriates us is that he thinks he can do things such as cut down a tree with a chainsaw which he attempted to do, with no functioning right arm, hand and very little mobility in the right leg. He stumped out there with his cane, and drug a chainsaw. He wouldn't listen to me, at all. Of course, he couldn't do that. Tyler did it. Then Wally insisted it get thrown in the backyard.

Meanwhile, my dryer died. Of course it did. What a delight. Especially since it's been raining for a week, and I have had to be a pioneer woman. I have had to put up a clothes line and hang up clothes with clothespins, (which I thought were for art projects at school...not work.) and it's cold. My stuff isn't drying. I need a new dryer. Wally is content to not get one. I am not content, so there will have to be something done. Guess what it will be? A dryer. That's what.

Let's see...news from the rest of the year. January started off normally. No big whup. (There is a video on Youtube you must watch from a lady who is insane. She talks about boycotting Bath and Body Works. Her name is AzAngela or something like that. Just search for Angela/Bath and Body works rant. You'll be glad you did.) She says, "No big whup". While chomping gum.

February came, kicked my butt and left. Thanks, February. (My birthday is in February, and every year, February insists on making me another year older. February can suck it.) Valentine's Day came and went. Basically, this means my class had their Valentine's party, got sugared all up and sent home with their parents. No big whup.

March. Hmmm...SPRING BREAK! No big whup. We did nothing. I worked on something for work. THE.WHOLE.TIME. Morning, noon and night. Big fun. I did not enjoy it. For those of you who did go somewhere and had fun, well good for you. I went to Paris on Spring Break a few years ago. Have you done that? Yes? Did you get into a street riot? No? Then I win.

April. Tyler turned 19. Impossible. However, happen it did. My niece turned 16. She now drives. Stay off the roads.
April is not a good month with the exception of those two birthdays. We have had horrid things happen in April, and I don't like it.

May. My nephew turned 15. Good lord. Where does the time go? IT GOES AWAY. IT NEVER COMES BACK AND WE GET OLD,SICK, UNATTRACTIVE, AND DIE. That's what.

June. School got out for Summer. NOW THAT IS GOOD STUFF THERE. What did I do? I had a pretty bad breakdown and stayed in bed a good portion of the summer. Seriously. It was fairly horrid. I don't usually tell about these things, but that is seriously what I did all summer.

July. Bed

August. Bed and return to school.

September. Wally turned 62, Jack turned 23, and Kira turned 24. Wally had two strokes. We have racked up an unreasonable amount of medical bills, which luckily are all paid by our insurance. I don't know about the life flight. They keep sending me bills for...get this...sit down....32,000 dollars. US dollars. Greenbacks. Moolah. 32,000.00. I opened the first one and just busted out laughing because let's face it: they ain't getting that money from me. I threw it away. I got a second one, which is weird since the insurance is paying and all I get are "This is not a bill" from all doctors and hospitals and rehabs and everything. I again laughed and saw that they had a thing that said they offered "convenient payment plans". I don't like that. I can't yike dat. (My niece used to say that. We all say it now.) I can't yike dat, and so I didn't and I threw it away. I took pictures of it so people would believe me. I threw away a third, too. Those people think I will or can pay that? BAHAHAHAHAH! Ignorance. I thought I might be gaining weight. Nope. Scale at hospital showed me down five pounds. Which made sense since I almost never sat down.

October. PROPERTY TAXES DUE. WALLY FREAKS OUT EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY! HELP! ALERT! ALERT!!!! THE GOVERNMENT WILL TAKE OUR HOUSE, SO WE NEED TO SET UP THE MACHINE GUN TO BE READY FOR WHEN THEY (THE GOVERNMENT...WHICH IS A SHIT TON OF PEOPLE) COME TO TAKE OUR HOUSE AND LAND. WHEN WE KILL THEM ALL, THE SWAT TEAM WILL COME, (BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE WHOLE GOVERNMENT IS DEAD!) WE WILL HAVE TO KILL THEM ALL. THEN WE WILL HAVE TO HOLD OFF EVERY AUTHORITY AND PERSON. Yes. I deal with that daily. A shrink at the rehab place saw him twice and said it would take very little for him to do that. I will kill him first, so no need to worry. Guess what I did? I PAID THE DAMNED PROPERTY TAXES! CRISES AVERTED! For this year. Not one kid came to trick or treat. I thought I might be gaining weight. Nope. Scale says the same. Interesting since I haven't watched my weight and have lived on coke and coffee.

November. More at home physical and occupational therapy. Cook, clean, take blood sugar, take blood pressure, cook, do laundry, clean, grocery shop, clean, do other crap like get handicap parking, (AWESOME!) and talk to insurance people and disability people and my employer since I am on leave. Then we ate like pigs at my Mom's house. My brother was relatively pleasant. A success. No weight gain according to scale, but it redistributed or some shit. A pair of jeans of mine...they still fit fine, but I used to be able to pull them on and off without unbuttoning or unzipping them. Not now. Something is wrong. I will tell you what it is. I think I am gaining weight.

December. Today is December 1st. Who knows. My kids are going to Chicago to see their Dad and family up there. The leave as soon as school gets out and come back as late as they can to start spring semester. I see no reason to pretend to be jolly or anything. I don't like holidays. I won't have my kids. No big whup. (that cracks me up every time.)