OY...

Well, it's that time of year, again. Time for back to school. If you are the parent of a school aged child, you are probably hollering, "YAY!". If you are a child, you probably aren't. If you are a teacher, you are probably either: A. having panic attacks; B. drinking to excess; or C. crying inconsolably. Or, in my case; D. All three.

So, next week I go back for the week of "inservice". This is a period of time where we are supposed to learn new curriculum for the year, get to know new teachers, reconnect with colleagues and generally get back into the "swing" of things. However. However, however, however....it's never like that. Usually, it's a lot of technology related disasters that prevent us from seeing Powerpoint presentations that we don't really want or need to see, anyhow. Then, there is seemingly never ending ...I don't know what to call them...monologues? Speeches? I don't know..there's just a lot of them.

During that week, we have the "Meet the Teacher" night. This is when, as I"m sure you know, students and their parents can come up to the school, find out who their teacher will be for the year, drop off school supplies, meet the teacher and you know...meet the teacher. It's pretty straightforward.

Two weeks from now, I will be back in the classroom teaching. This means I will be at school in the morning when it's still dark, and I will leave well after the dismissal bell everyday.

I will eat my lunch in approximately 2.4 minutes, attempt to have time to use the restroom, wash my hands, pick up any mail I might have, and go back and pick up my students from their lunch. I have 30 minutes to do all of this. When you take out the walk down to the cafeteria and the sprint back up to the faculty lounge, the time it takes to pee, wash hands and God forbid, heat up lunch, I have maybe...ohhh...2.4 minutes. So, yeah. I get lots of digestive issues around that time, too.

I will take the children to the restroom several times during the day, and over the course of the school year, I will have it down to twice a day. However, I will have one time if I'm lucky to use the restroom all day. I MIGHT get a chance during our "conference time". Maybe. I don't count on it.

I will plan lessons, grade papers, put grades into the computer grade book, schedule parent conferences if needed, meet with my grade level to plan, take children to and from "specials" classes, assess children's abilities, attempt to modify instruction for each child, listen to children's sometimes heartbreaking problems, intervene in playground disputes because now it's all about the "bullying", attempt to help any child in need, and in the process, neglect my own family. I do it strictly for the huge paycheck.

Not really.

I don't get paid all that much. Why do we pay doctors and lawyers so much, but teachers so little? Didn't a teacher teach THEM? If you are reading this, didn't a teacher teach YOU?

My brother is a police officer and gets paid almost three times as much as I do. Of course, he is in danger all of the time.

I only have had one attempted stabbing and been on two "hit lists". I think police officers should make MORE than they do. I also think teachers should make WAY more than they do.

Plus, most of my paycheck is eaten up by what I pay for health insurance for myself and my family. My husband is retired, and I have two children in college and one in high school. It's expensive. Almost as expensive as all of those damned Iphones I pay for. However, that is for another post on another day.

I spend probably a couple of thousand of dollars every year on my classroom or my students. Seriously. At least that much. A lot of parents do not purchase any school supplies for their children whatsoever. I understand if they do not have the means to purchase supplies. However, when they cruise up to school in a brand new Cadillac SUV and have their nails done and their children wear all of that Rhino or Coogi or whatever it is clothes...I have a hard time understanding why they can't spring for pencils and paper.

I buy it. I buy crayons, glue, rulers, scissors, paper, pencils, map pencils, powerful pencil sharpeners for my classroom, and all of the other office type supplies I need daily. If I didn't love my job, I wouldn't do it. However, I'm not going to let a child go without in my classroom. No child will feel badly because their parents either cannot or will not purchase them a new box of crayons or a new 50 cent ruler.

So, when you send your little darlings off to school, say a prayer for the teachers, too. We do it because we love it. We love your kids. We love learning. We love seeing children learn. We find your child funny, smart and interesting. Please remember that when your child comes home with a note saying, "Johnny did not turn in his homework. Please speak with him about the importance of doing his homework." it is not because we dislike your child. It's because your child didn't DO HIS HOMEWORK and he NEEDS TO DO HIS HOMEWORK. We aren't out to get your child. We LIKE kids.

Here's hoping everyone has a wonderful school year full of happy memories and many, ,many learning experiences. Please, God. Amen. (And please don't let anyone try to stab me or put me on another "hit list" because I'm strict, thank you.) Amen. Again.

Once More Into the Fray

APOLOGY

Anger flashes like lightning
Surprising me and sweeping me away
Into a dark, ugly cavern from which
I cannot escape.

The torrent of my emotion
Lashes out and whips everyone
In my path into the storm.

The screaming voice I hear
Begs for cessation.

Begs for tranquility
Begs for peace

The voice I hear screaming
Says things that tear, gnash and claw
At the heart of the ones I cherish and love.

I am helpless to silence the voices
They will be heard.
They insist. They are legion.

As the storm passes,
The spent remains of my mind
Lay scattered about like the detritus of a tornado.

Apologies are pathetic.
Sorry does not erase
The pain, the confusion and the betrayal
Of the ones I love.

Slowly, one by one
Step by step
They are driven away.

They silently fade into my past
And leave me wondering
Why? How?
Losing the net of safety I have depended upon
Has become routine. Expected. Unsurprising.
I frantically attempt to weave together the few strings that remain.
To no avail. There are too few strings. You see, I have severed them.
Like heads falling from a guillotine, so go the ones I love.

I try to say that I am trying. I do not wish to sweep you away.
Please do not give in to the torrent of insanity that emanates from my soul.
I am helpless against it. Please help me fight it. Do not drift away.

-Helen Freeman
2012

A How-To Guide on Pissing Me Off

So, you want to piss me off, do you? Okay, then. I will give you a few helpful hints on how to accomplish this. Trust me, it isn't difficult.
In no particular order:

Lie

Cheat

Steal

Lie

Lie

Be a lying liar

Fail to take proper care of your children

Use your children as an excuse for all of the things you COULD have done, had you not decided to have children. Grow the fuck up.

Use race as an excuse for why someone was arrested or hurt or even killed during the commission of a crime. If shit is illegal, it's illegal for EVERYONE.

Say Christians are "persecuted" because they went to fucking Chik Fil A. Don't engage me in a conversation about being "persecuted". Especially if you are illiterate and cannot put together a coherent sentence.

Take advantage of people.

Use improper grammar.

Say it's okay to use improper grammar, because it's "urban" or because it's "acceptable" in a certain area. Bullshit. You do not "AXE" people questions anywhere. You "ASK" them questions. You didn't "SEEN" me at the store. No. You "SAW" me at the store.

Pronounce "fifty" as if there is no second "f" in it.

Park in front of my driveway.

Talk about me in a negative way behind my back. Bitch, or Bastard, (whichever the case may be;) say it to my face. I do.

Say teachers are paid too much. Suck it.

Say teachers don't have a hard job. You do it, then.

Say teachers are babysitters. I babysat when I was younger, and I didn't have to put up with half the crap I do now.

Say police are to blame for someone getting arrested and put in prison.

Say all police are corrupt.

Say all police use brutality.

Call the police any negative "nickname". I will shut your shit down really quickly. If someone breaks into your house, robs you or hurts you, call the Post Office or your local drug dealer. See how fast they come to your rescue.

Expect the police or psychiatrists or college professors to be able to predict how a mentally unstable and UNPREDICTABLE person is going to act in the future.

Treat firearms like toys.

Forget where you "left" your gun.

Think you are a master marksman because you once shot someone's .22.

Think you're the shit because you have a conceal/carry license. That just means you were stupid enough to not read a document called "THE CONSTITUTION" and paid some person money to tell you not to take a gun into a place with signs posted that say "DON'T BRING A GUN IN HERE, DIPSHIT."

Cut me off in traffic.

Get in front of me in traffic and drive SLOWLY. Get out of the way! You are holding up me, and the 12 cars behind me, asshat.

Ride my ass in traffic. Bitch, I drive a huge tank of a vehicle, and you rear ending me will do nothing. As the little dude who rear ended me in a storm found out. His car was totaled. My car was fine.

Yes, I know that was full of horrible if not non-existent sentence structure.

Assume I'm not as crazy as I say I am. Believe me, I'm much MORE crazy than I let on, and I will morph into El Chupacabra if you come up behind me in a parking lot, give me crap, look at me strangely, try to cut in front of me in any line for any damned reason, or a various list of other things which I will include in an appendix to this at a later date. Don't rush me.

Say or do anything to hurt my family. Especially my children. I will hunt you down and well, I can't say I'd kill you probably, as that might be construed as a threat or something...but I'll mess your shit up.

Be a LOUD talker.

Talk LOUDLY all the time.

Don't respect personal space.

Be a CLOSE talker.

Be a small-talker. "Boy, it's hot out there, isn't it?" Yes. Yes, it is. Now where does the conversation go? I mean besides saying inane things such as, "We sure need rain."

Say or think that you can drive BETTER after having consumed alcohol. You are an idiot if you think this. Unequivocal idiot. You are stupid. You shouldn't have a license to pilot ANYTHING, not even a damned Big Wheel.

Say someone must be "Bi Polar" because they are angry, crying or maybe they are just a kid who needs a good spanking. That isn't Bi-Polar. I AM Bi-Polar. That kid over there pitching a fit because he can't have the Batman toy? He is just a kid. That child who threw a chair in class? Who knows? Maybe his or her parents just split up. Maybe the child has never been disciplined. However, that does NOT make them Bi-Polar.

I am so pissed off now that I will end it here. I am sure I have more. However, to spare you and myself further heart palpitations, I will say, Too da loo, bitches.

OH! I just thought of one. Don't tell me not to use bad words. I'm a grown woman. I will speak as I see fit. It is not indicative of how I was raised, as my mother would gladly slap me silly when I cuss. It is not indicative of my education or vocabulary. Sometimes, bad words are just required. However, I won't use bad words in front of your children.

Deep Thoughts

What I Have Been Wondering/Thinking About Lately:

What is this new rap music crap?

Why do dogs always stink when they come in from outside?

Where does a baby Joey pee and poop before they leave their mother's pouch?

Why does red wine and sometimes beer give me a migraine? Very inconvenient.

Why does our Sheltie sit and bark nonstop at NOTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD FOR HOURS?

Where is it written that once I am married with children I must become cook, housekeeper and all a round jack of trades? I don't do that.

Am I a bad mother and wife for not doing all that?

Worse, am I bad for resenting the hell out of having to do that stuff?

Why can't I take a nap without staying up all night long?

Why do I have bags under my eyes?

Why can't I say the word "toilet" correctly?

For that matter, why can't I say the days of the week correctly?

Ditto for "foil", "boil" and "oil".

Did Jack Handey really go to high school with me? He said he did on his biography. Well, he didn't say, "I went to school with Helen". He said he went to my school during the years I was there.

Why do people get into Meth? Seriously, it jacks up your teeth and skin and basically your life.

Why is marijuana illegal?

Why did that cop ask me how much I weigh?

Why does WalMart suck ass so badly?

Why is there never anything to eat in the house, no matter how much food we have?

Why is there nothing to wear no matter how many clothes I have?

I guess that's all for now. Okay, so the title was misleading. The thoughts weren't deep. Too bad for you.