Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A How-To Guide on Pissing Me Off

So, you want to piss me off, do you? Okay, then. I will give you a few helpful hints on how to accomplish this. Trust me, it isn't difficult.
In no particular order:

Lie

Cheat

Steal

Lie

Lie

Be a lying liar

Fail to take proper care of your children

Use your children as an excuse for all of the things you COULD have done, had you not decided to have children. Grow the fuck up.

Use race as an excuse for why someone was arrested or hurt or even killed during the commission of a crime. If shit is illegal, it's illegal for EVERYONE.

Say Christians are "persecuted" because they went to fucking Chik Fil A. Don't engage me in a conversation about being "persecuted". Especially if you are illiterate and cannot put together a coherent sentence.

Take advantage of people.

Use improper grammar.

Say it's okay to use improper grammar, because it's "urban" or because it's "acceptable" in a certain area. Bullshit. You do not "AXE" people questions anywhere. You "ASK" them questions. You didn't "SEEN" me at the store. No. You "SAW" me at the store.

Pronounce "fifty" as if there is no second "f" in it.

Park in front of my driveway.

Talk about me in a negative way behind my back. Bitch, or Bastard, (whichever the case may be;) say it to my face. I do.

Say teachers are paid too much. Suck it.

Say teachers don't have a hard job. You do it, then.

Say teachers are babysitters. I babysat when I was younger, and I didn't have to put up with half the crap I do now.

Say police are to blame for someone getting arrested and put in prison.

Say all police are corrupt.

Say all police use brutality.

Call the police any negative "nickname". I will shut your shit down really quickly. If someone breaks into your house, robs you or hurts you, call the Post Office or your local drug dealer. See how fast they come to your rescue.

Expect the police or psychiatrists or college professors to be able to predict how a mentally unstable and UNPREDICTABLE person is going to act in the future.

Treat firearms like toys.

Forget where you "left" your gun.

Think you are a master marksman because you once shot someone's .22.

Think you're the shit because you have a conceal/carry license. That just means you were stupid enough to not read a document called "THE CONSTITUTION" and paid some person money to tell you not to take a gun into a place with signs posted that say "DON'T BRING A GUN IN HERE, DIPSHIT."

Cut me off in traffic.

Get in front of me in traffic and drive SLOWLY. Get out of the way! You are holding up me, and the 12 cars behind me, asshat.

Ride my ass in traffic. Bitch, I drive a huge tank of a vehicle, and you rear ending me will do nothing. As the little dude who rear ended me in a storm found out. His car was totaled. My car was fine.

Yes, I know that was full of horrible if not non-existent sentence structure.

Assume I'm not as crazy as I say I am. Believe me, I'm much MORE crazy than I let on, and I will morph into El Chupacabra if you come up behind me in a parking lot, give me crap, look at me strangely, try to cut in front of me in any line for any damned reason, or a various list of other things which I will include in an appendix to this at a later date. Don't rush me.

Say or do anything to hurt my family. Especially my children. I will hunt you down and well, I can't say I'd kill you probably, as that might be construed as a threat or something...but I'll mess your shit up.

Be a LOUD talker.

Talk LOUDLY all the time.

Don't respect personal space.

Be a CLOSE talker.

Be a small-talker. "Boy, it's hot out there, isn't it?" Yes. Yes, it is. Now where does the conversation go? I mean besides saying inane things such as, "We sure need rain."

Say or think that you can drive BETTER after having consumed alcohol. You are an idiot if you think this. Unequivocal idiot. You are stupid. You shouldn't have a license to pilot ANYTHING, not even a damned Big Wheel.

Say someone must be "Bi Polar" because they are angry, crying or maybe they are just a kid who needs a good spanking. That isn't Bi-Polar. I AM Bi-Polar. That kid over there pitching a fit because he can't have the Batman toy? He is just a kid. That child who threw a chair in class? Who knows? Maybe his or her parents just split up. Maybe the child has never been disciplined. However, that does NOT make them Bi-Polar.

I am so pissed off now that I will end it here. I am sure I have more. However, to spare you and myself further heart palpitations, I will say, Too da loo, bitches.

OH! I just thought of one. Don't tell me not to use bad words. I'm a grown woman. I will speak as I see fit. It is not indicative of how I was raised, as my mother would gladly slap me silly when I cuss. It is not indicative of my education or vocabulary. Sometimes, bad words are just required. However, I won't use bad words in front of your children.

2 comments:

Jen said...

I'm so gonna come park in front of your driveway someday! Also, can't believe you didn't say "I'm a grown-ass woman". ~jennymcw

Helen said...

Jenny Mac!!!! How the hell are you? I normally would have said "I'm a grown ass woman", but I figured I had enough profanity in there, already. Don't you park in front of my damned driveway!