Okay, so as most of you know, I'm quite vain. I will try most skin care products on the market. I have used Botox, I've used Juvederm, I've used most creams. Creme de la Mer did really nothing except feel nice being applied. Of course, Botox works. Juvederm, well...it didn't work like I wanted. Bliss products are ...well...meh. Philosophy is...meh. Like I said, they smell okay, (I can't tolerate products with scent for the most part..) they feel nice, but do nothing they promise except perhaps moisturize. I can get that with lard, let's face it.
Anyhow, I found a product that promised amazing results. All of the "scientists" heralded it's miracle properties. It's secret is supposedly a synthetic snake venom. It paralyzes the what...skin? I don't know. It can't do anything to the muscles, as it's applied topically.
Anyhow, I did the "trial" of the product. It is called MH3. I tried the NDULGE and the NJECT. I figured; free trial, just pay shipping, no problem, right? When will I learn? See, by paying the shipping, they had my credit card number. I went online and discovered that it was an auto ship program that would charge me almost $100 monthly for this product. That is too many dollars. Way too many dollars. Especially since I didn't intend to continue purchasing the product. I didn't know how expensive it was until I went online and went to their website. (Stupid on my part. I know, I know.) Thank you, but no. I'll keep using Neutrogena with sunscreen which is really as effective as any expensive cream you can buy. Sure, many products feel great, but Neutrogena with sunscreen does everything the rest do, with sunscreen. I love the French brands like Avene, but am not paying that much money anymore. I researched it and found that Neutrogena...yes, plain little drug store available Neutrogena is just as good as any high end brand.
Back to MH3. I called the number, which is: 1-855-561-3800. I told the representative that I wanted all orders cancelled immediately. Of course, I was put on hold. She came back and offered me 25% off for life! Also, they would spread out my shipments to every three months instead of every month! What? I don't want it. Cancel it! I told her, "No, I do not want it. Please cancel it entirely." Put on hold again. She comes back:" Ma'am, my supervisor just said she would put in her discount and my discount and give you a total of 50% off for life!!!!. You will receive the product for ( some ridiculously low but still too high price) but only every three months, and.." I interrupted her. "Let me stop you right there...I DO NOT WANT IT. IF YOU CAN OFFER ME 50% OFF, THEN IT SHOULD BE THAT PRICE FOR EVERYONE, AND IT SHOWS YOUR BUSINESS PRACTICES ARE NOT WHAT THEY SHOULD BE. IF YOU CONTINUE TO CHARGE ME, I WILL PUT THE CHARGES IN DISPUTE ON MY CREDIT CARD AND REPORT YOU TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU AS WELL AS TELL EVERYONE I KNOW ABOUT THIS."
Here is their website: https://miraclehydrate.com/?ref_id=27&sub_id=UEmh3&gclid=CK3vp7Cv8LcCFUdk7AodnkEAqg
Do not do it unless A. you don't care if people charge you out the ass for crap. Or, B. You read the FINE VERY FINE TEENY TINY PRINT that tells you they are basically going to ass rape you forever. If you are okay with that, then by all means, belly up to the scam bar and sign up.
If you do a Google search on MH3 scams, you'll find plenty of people who have had almost impossible attempts to cancel this stuff. I had to get extremely rude and threaten them in order to cancel mine. I now have the email with the cancellation number on it. Believe me, stopping this company is much harder than not ever ordering in the first place.
I will continue to use my beloved Clarisonic with either Dermalogica(I know, I said I don't buy into the expensive stuff anymore, but I adore Dermalogica products...) or with Neutrogena gentle skin cleanser. I'm not a Neutrogena freak, I swear. I will continue to moisturize and use sunscreen religiously and excercise, drink water and not do anything to harm my skin. The rest is up to heredity. Let's face it. If you are like me, you probably did a lot of damage when you were younger. Tanning, drinking, staying up too late, not moisturizing, not cleansing thoroughly. I took very good care of my skin beginning when I was 12, because my Mother saw to it that I did. I still didn't do everything right. By the time I was on my own, I was wrecking it, basically. It is in pretty good shape for someone who is almost fifty years old, but there is always room for improvement. When the time comes, and it's rapidly approaching, I will be open to eyelid lifts, getting rid of bags under my eyes and anything that needs lifting or whatever. Right now, I am content with what I do.
If you want to know if your products are effective, or if there is something else as effective and cheaper, I highly recommend the book: "Don't Go To The Cosmetics Counter Without Me" by Paula Begoun. I would have underlined the book title, but don't know how on this stupid thing. The book is huge and reviews honestly almost every brand you could think of. From expensive brands to less expensive brands, it pretty much hits them all.
There. You've been warned. Carry on.
Toodles, Bitches.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Musings about "Mad Men"
WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SEASON SIX THERE ARE SPOILERS IN HERE: TURN BACK NOW
Okay, as usual...as I have mentioned before, I am late getting on a train to obssesion-ville. I have now watched all of the seasons of "Mad Men" and LOVE it, and think Don Draper is a horrible man but I would react to him the way all women seem to. Off would come the clothes. He is a MAN. Okay, now that is out of the way...I have some questions, obsersvations, etc.
Oh, by the way, if you haven't discovered this wonder, Well, a link was supposed to go there, but it didn't work, so here it is: http://www.couchtuner. It is a treasure trove. Most any television series you have missed, wanted to watch or hear of is there. With the exception of the best show ever made..."24". Anyhow, I watched all of the "True Blood" current episodes and I don't have HBO, all of "The Borgias" and have no Showtime, all of "Game of Thrones", and, shamefully, "The Walking Dead". Free. Free, people. Check it out.
Okay, back to "Mad Men". Firstly, I think it is amazing how accurate everything is. If you were alive for any or all of that time period (and I was. Peter Campbell's daughter would be my age), you probably have noticed that it's exactly the way people dressed, acted, how their homes were, the products they used...the whole thing. It's amazing. It's like a time machine.
Secondly, there is a lot of speculation and I agree with a lot of it. Let's examine the color schemes. Yellow and blue are prevalent. They seem to signal relationship difficulties. It's weird. When you go back and look, all of everything everyone is wearing will be yellow and blue. Ties, suits, dresses, scarves, hats. It's strange. In fact, Don seems to be the only one who never changes. Coincidence? Hmmm.... Joan usually wears purple or red, which I think signals her as who everyone believes to be the "loose" woman in the office. Her character has changed, and in the episode with relationship issues, she does wear blue and green like everyone else.
Also, Don had an abominable childhood, which left him pretty much a dirty assed dog when it comes to women. No woman seems to care with the exception of his ex wife who is a bonafide bitch in my opinion. His childhood and the flashbacks explain a lot of his character flaws and that's probably why they show them. I still love that sorry bastard. Maybe even more because of it. Also, does he have tuberculosis? Are the coughing fits mental and only when he remembers his childhood? I don't know.
As a lot of people did in the mid to laste 1960s, people got divorced all of a sudden. It wasn't as taboo as it had been. So, a lot of people on the show get divorced, and change their lives. Their clothes always reflect the changes and turmoil. People get pregnant and have abortions or give the child up for adoption secretly. Abortion was illegal at the time, still. Unmarried pregnancy was completely frowned upon. The two women who experience it were impregnated by men who weren't their husbands or boyfriends and all work in the same office and it was a secret. Strange, no?
Here is a link to see all of the theories: Again with the link not working. So here it is: http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/06/07/the-latest-in-crazy-mad-men-season-6-theories-2 it's amazingly accurate. I do want to correct one thing I said. Don DOES where a yellow jacket. It's the episode where they are trying to get a margarine account. EVERYONE wears yellow, but you don't really notice it until someone calls your attention to it.
Also, for the record, I am pretty sure Megan is modeled after Sharon Tate. There are so many clues. However, that may be to throw you off. The clues are so subtle, though. With the exception of the bizarre Macy's looking t-shirt she wears on the balcony and it happens to be the EXACT SAME T-SHIRT SHARON TATE WORE FOR A PHOTO SHOOT.(If you don't know who Sharon Tate was, firstly, shame on you and secondly you are not a child of the 60s and go Google that or Charles Manson...it's horrific) They say it was coincidental, but it doesn't fit with ANY of the other clothes ANYONE wears in that show. Lately, every time Megan and Don are speaking, there are LOUD sirens that almost drown out their conversation. Foreshadowing? I think so.
This season deals with all of the racial tension of the late 60s along with the assassination of both Dr. King and Bobby Kennedy and the riots that ensued. There is an air of tension throughout the show. An African American woman breaks into the Draper home while the children are there and robs them. Why was she African American? Why have the weird scene at all? I think it was to drive home the changes in the times. The fact that she was black didn't seem to be the main idea, but it showed how crime was a factor in the feelings of (especially white) people and how seeing a black person in a home in a role other than a maid was not, in itself, unheard of. It also showed that no matter how far we had come in racial equality( and it was and still is evolving, but it was in it's infancy, then) it was still assumed a black person was a criminal. Interesting. Accurate and incorrect assumption and interesting. Let's hope we've passed that shameful era.
Vietnam is FINALLY addressed, as are the "dirty hippies" (assholes..not the hippies, the people who are upper class and trip on LSD and smoke hash and weed...isn't that why they hated Hippies? Well, that and the hippies' social consciousness..that is.) In one episode, Roger and his second wife go to DR. TIMOTHY LEARY'S house (I would kill to do that) and try LSD for the first time to expand their minds. They have weird trips and Roger keeps doing it. Of course, it ends up destroying their marriage, or rather hastens the demise of their marriage, which was already really over.
Roger also predicts we will WIN Vietnam. Uh, Roger, read the news. Watch the news. Listen to Ginsburg. He may act nuts, but he knows what is going on.
Don shows his human side instead of his sex machine side and helps an ex mistress get her son out of the draft. Very decent of him, and shows his opinion of Vietnam, without coming out and saying he thinks it's wrong. Wait, he might say it's wrong, I'm not sure who said it. So, Don DOES have a human, socially aware and caring side. Of course, he can't keep it in his pants, but he is ..well I was going to say a basically good man, but I'm not so sure. He is pretty much a dog. I love him, though.
Anyhow, Season six is amazingly full of symbolism. Check it out. Read the article I posted. It is amazing. Oh, Pete's receding hairline and sideburns are amazingly hilarious. He is so pompous and ridiculous and people aren't taking him seriously, still. His attempt to be a Don Draper backfired when he got an apartment in the city. His wife kicked him out. He now lives sadly in the "Pied de Terre" he planned for assignations with women. There are no women. Well, except his loony tunes mother and her weird "nurse".
Nothing personal in this one, just observations about a show I got obsessed with. If you haven't watched it, give it a shot. It's really good. I hate Betty Draper to be clear, though. Really don't like her. She treats her children like garbage, and lastly SALLY NEEDS A BEATING AND I'D BE HAPPY TO GIVE IT TO HER. NOW.
Okay, as usual...as I have mentioned before, I am late getting on a train to obssesion-ville. I have now watched all of the seasons of "Mad Men" and LOVE it, and think Don Draper is a horrible man but I would react to him the way all women seem to. Off would come the clothes. He is a MAN. Okay, now that is out of the way...I have some questions, obsersvations, etc.
Oh, by the way, if you haven't discovered this wonder, Well, a link was supposed to go there, but it didn't work, so here it is: http://www.couchtuner. It is a treasure trove. Most any television series you have missed, wanted to watch or hear of is there. With the exception of the best show ever made..."24". Anyhow, I watched all of the "True Blood" current episodes and I don't have HBO, all of "The Borgias" and have no Showtime, all of "Game of Thrones", and, shamefully, "The Walking Dead". Free. Free, people. Check it out.
Okay, back to "Mad Men". Firstly, I think it is amazing how accurate everything is. If you were alive for any or all of that time period (and I was. Peter Campbell's daughter would be my age), you probably have noticed that it's exactly the way people dressed, acted, how their homes were, the products they used...the whole thing. It's amazing. It's like a time machine.
Secondly, there is a lot of speculation and I agree with a lot of it. Let's examine the color schemes. Yellow and blue are prevalent. They seem to signal relationship difficulties. It's weird. When you go back and look, all of everything everyone is wearing will be yellow and blue. Ties, suits, dresses, scarves, hats. It's strange. In fact, Don seems to be the only one who never changes. Coincidence? Hmmm.... Joan usually wears purple or red, which I think signals her as who everyone believes to be the "loose" woman in the office. Her character has changed, and in the episode with relationship issues, she does wear blue and green like everyone else.
Also, Don had an abominable childhood, which left him pretty much a dirty assed dog when it comes to women. No woman seems to care with the exception of his ex wife who is a bonafide bitch in my opinion. His childhood and the flashbacks explain a lot of his character flaws and that's probably why they show them. I still love that sorry bastard. Maybe even more because of it. Also, does he have tuberculosis? Are the coughing fits mental and only when he remembers his childhood? I don't know.
As a lot of people did in the mid to laste 1960s, people got divorced all of a sudden. It wasn't as taboo as it had been. So, a lot of people on the show get divorced, and change their lives. Their clothes always reflect the changes and turmoil. People get pregnant and have abortions or give the child up for adoption secretly. Abortion was illegal at the time, still. Unmarried pregnancy was completely frowned upon. The two women who experience it were impregnated by men who weren't their husbands or boyfriends and all work in the same office and it was a secret. Strange, no?
Here is a link to see all of the theories: Again with the link not working. So here it is: http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/06/07/the-latest-in-crazy-mad-men-season-6-theories-2 it's amazingly accurate. I do want to correct one thing I said. Don DOES where a yellow jacket. It's the episode where they are trying to get a margarine account. EVERYONE wears yellow, but you don't really notice it until someone calls your attention to it.
Also, for the record, I am pretty sure Megan is modeled after Sharon Tate. There are so many clues. However, that may be to throw you off. The clues are so subtle, though. With the exception of the bizarre Macy's looking t-shirt she wears on the balcony and it happens to be the EXACT SAME T-SHIRT SHARON TATE WORE FOR A PHOTO SHOOT.(If you don't know who Sharon Tate was, firstly, shame on you and secondly you are not a child of the 60s and go Google that or Charles Manson...it's horrific) They say it was coincidental, but it doesn't fit with ANY of the other clothes ANYONE wears in that show. Lately, every time Megan and Don are speaking, there are LOUD sirens that almost drown out their conversation. Foreshadowing? I think so.
This season deals with all of the racial tension of the late 60s along with the assassination of both Dr. King and Bobby Kennedy and the riots that ensued. There is an air of tension throughout the show. An African American woman breaks into the Draper home while the children are there and robs them. Why was she African American? Why have the weird scene at all? I think it was to drive home the changes in the times. The fact that she was black didn't seem to be the main idea, but it showed how crime was a factor in the feelings of (especially white) people and how seeing a black person in a home in a role other than a maid was not, in itself, unheard of. It also showed that no matter how far we had come in racial equality( and it was and still is evolving, but it was in it's infancy, then) it was still assumed a black person was a criminal. Interesting. Accurate and incorrect assumption and interesting. Let's hope we've passed that shameful era.
Vietnam is FINALLY addressed, as are the "dirty hippies" (assholes..not the hippies, the people who are upper class and trip on LSD and smoke hash and weed...isn't that why they hated Hippies? Well, that and the hippies' social consciousness..that is.) In one episode, Roger and his second wife go to DR. TIMOTHY LEARY'S house (I would kill to do that) and try LSD for the first time to expand their minds. They have weird trips and Roger keeps doing it. Of course, it ends up destroying their marriage, or rather hastens the demise of their marriage, which was already really over.
Roger also predicts we will WIN Vietnam. Uh, Roger, read the news. Watch the news. Listen to Ginsburg. He may act nuts, but he knows what is going on.
Don shows his human side instead of his sex machine side and helps an ex mistress get her son out of the draft. Very decent of him, and shows his opinion of Vietnam, without coming out and saying he thinks it's wrong. Wait, he might say it's wrong, I'm not sure who said it. So, Don DOES have a human, socially aware and caring side. Of course, he can't keep it in his pants, but he is ..well I was going to say a basically good man, but I'm not so sure. He is pretty much a dog. I love him, though.
Anyhow, Season six is amazingly full of symbolism. Check it out. Read the article I posted. It is amazing. Oh, Pete's receding hairline and sideburns are amazingly hilarious. He is so pompous and ridiculous and people aren't taking him seriously, still. His attempt to be a Don Draper backfired when he got an apartment in the city. His wife kicked him out. He now lives sadly in the "Pied de Terre" he planned for assignations with women. There are no women. Well, except his loony tunes mother and her weird "nurse".
Nothing personal in this one, just observations about a show I got obsessed with. If you haven't watched it, give it a shot. It's really good. I hate Betty Draper to be clear, though. Really don't like her. She treats her children like garbage, and lastly SALLY NEEDS A BEATING AND I'D BE HAPPY TO GIVE IT TO HER. NOW.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Things I Love About Summer
First of all, duh. Who doesn't love Summer? Me, that's who. Well, before I became an educator, that is. I hated Summer. The kids were home all day and bored, and wanted me to entertain them. Endless car trips to the pool, McDonald's, water parks, little league...ugh. Then, I became a teacher. So, without further ado, I present to you:
WHY I LOVE SUMMER (in no particular order)
1. I can shower at 1:30 in the afternoon if I damned well feel like it.
2. No bra. Self explanatory
3. No makeup
4. Flip Flops
5. Sleeping late
6. Staying up late
7. Reading what I want to read
8. Saying, "It's too hot to cook..."
9. I can devote time to catching up on guilty TV pleasures like Mad Men and Game of Thrones
10. I don't have to worry about a mad parent complaining about me. Unless it's my own parent, that is.
11. I can clean the house if I want to, which I usually don't.
12. Frozen drinks
13. Cold suppers
14. Flowers in my yard
15. The smell of Confederate Jasmine in front of my house
16. The day stretching before me with nothing but possibilities. The possibility of a nap, shopping, making stuff for my classroom next year, going down the Pinterest wormhole...
17. Making stuff for next year
18. Making stuff for my house
19. Endless long trips to IKEA. Even if I buy nothing
20. More time to run
21. Having my babies who are no longer babies with me.
22. Pretending like my baby isn't leaving for college
23. Collecting a paycheck when I am sleeping or shopping or crafting or on the computer or whatever.
24. More time to write
25. I drink way more water.
There. I kept it to 25. If I really sat and thought, I'd come up with more, however, it's summer, so I'm going to do some mindless reading or computer surfing or something. Maybe I'll check in with Don Draper.
Toodles, bitches.
WHY I LOVE SUMMER (in no particular order)
1. I can shower at 1:30 in the afternoon if I damned well feel like it.
2. No bra. Self explanatory
3. No makeup
4. Flip Flops
5. Sleeping late
6. Staying up late
7. Reading what I want to read
8. Saying, "It's too hot to cook..."
9. I can devote time to catching up on guilty TV pleasures like Mad Men and Game of Thrones
10. I don't have to worry about a mad parent complaining about me. Unless it's my own parent, that is.
11. I can clean the house if I want to, which I usually don't.
12. Frozen drinks
13. Cold suppers
14. Flowers in my yard
15. The smell of Confederate Jasmine in front of my house
16. The day stretching before me with nothing but possibilities. The possibility of a nap, shopping, making stuff for my classroom next year, going down the Pinterest wormhole...
17. Making stuff for next year
18. Making stuff for my house
19. Endless long trips to IKEA. Even if I buy nothing
20. More time to run
21. Having my babies who are no longer babies with me.
22. Pretending like my baby isn't leaving for college
23. Collecting a paycheck when I am sleeping or shopping or crafting or on the computer or whatever.
24. More time to write
25. I drink way more water.
There. I kept it to 25. If I really sat and thought, I'd come up with more, however, it's summer, so I'm going to do some mindless reading or computer surfing or something. Maybe I'll check in with Don Draper.
Toodles, bitches.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Famous People and Shit
So, it was recently pointed out to me that I "know" many famous people. As I prepared to smugly agree with this person, it occurred to me that I do not, in fact, KNOW famous people. I have had drive by introductions to some. I have had some buy me drinks, I have gotten on stage with some and given a rousing rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama", although I'm not sure they knew how to play it.
Let's run down the list of "famous" people I've "ALMOST" met.
1. Who: Helen Hunt Where: Some random card/novelty store is some place in Los Angeles. She smiled at me, I smiled at her and that was that.
2. Who: Stevie Ray Vaughn Where: Some dive in Austin. My friend and I were obviously QUITE hot and desirable because dudes bought us drinks all the time, then got mad at us for throwing up on them and shit. Very touchy. Anyhow, Stevie Ray Vaughn played at some bar one night, and after he came over to the bar where my friend and I were taking free drinks with gusto, he said he would be buying for us for the rest of the night. All the other non famous dudes skulked away sadly, while we boozed it up with Stevie. Big Fail: We didn't really know or care who he was at the time. We sucked.
3. Who: Lou Diamond Philips Where: A bar in Juarez, Mexico that we all frequented. Well, not him, but all of us kids. I had to pull my best friend off of him because they were making out in a disgusting fashion right in the middle of the bar. I kept yelling at her, "STOP MAKING OUT WITH THE LA BAMBA GUY!" Because, come on...he is gross.
4 Who: Various Dallas Cowboys Where: Various places. Here's the deal. I met and sort of hung out with Cliff Harris when I was a younger lady. He confused me for my cousin and signed a book to me saying the "night" he spent with me had "changed his life". When I say "younger" lady, I mean like 14, tops. I was changing no lives. My cousin, on the other hand...who knows. I do remember Cliff had a nice ass. And my Mom peed her pants when he came over to meet everyone. We are classy like that.
Then, there is Emmitt Smith, or as my family calls him, "EJ". My grandfather worked for the University of Florida athletic department. He knew so many people it's bizarre. Anyhow, Emmitt was one of the guys who stayed in touch with my grandpa until he died. (My grandpa, not Emmitt...he's still alive). Emmitt was super nice and not at all durpy like he is in the Academy commercials. My grandpa also knew Michael Jordan and Joe Paterno, but would have disowned Joe had he been alive during the scandal. My grandpa is in the Nike Hall of Fame with one other dude. Michael Fucking Jordan. Big Fail: I've never met Michael Jordan.
Okay, let's see...who else?
Oh shit. Seriously. Hang on to your asses for this one. I cry almost daily over this near true life love story.
Who: JOHNNY FUCKING DEPP AND LEONARDO FUCKING DICAPRIO Where: That little town east of Austin where they filmed "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". My (at the time) husband was a paramedic and the film company kept an ambulance on the set at all times. Well, they actually needed them to drive the ambulance in one scene when Leonardo climbs a water tower. Yeah, that's my dumbass ex driving the ambulance. So, I had no idea who was in the movie or what he was doing for his off duty employment. I didn't give a rat's ass because I was approximately 140 months pregnant with my first child. I was not giving a fuck about much of anything except giving birth at that point.
So, one evening, I receive a call from the fool I was married to, and he told me he would be late because he was going out for drinks with a couple of guys from the set. He also told me I should come. I said, "No! I am disgusting!" He said, "No, you're fine...drive out here...these guys are really nice." I said, "Who are they?" He said, "Some guy named Leo DiCaprio and then that guy you liked from that show 21 Jump Street...Johnny whatever." *silence*
Him: Hello? Are you there?
Me: Silence
Him: Hey, are you okay?
Me: WAAAAHHHHH!!! You are going out with Johhny Depp??? Are you fucking kidding me??? Goddammit!!!! Who the hell is Leo DiCaprio, I guess he is hot as lava, too, right??? GODDAMMIT, SONUVABITCH!!!!
Him: So you know who I'm talking about?
Me: I HATE YOU! YOU SONUVABITCH!!! YOU KNOW I'M ENORMOUS AND HORMONAL!! YOU KNOW NO MAN WILL LIKE ME!!! I HATE YOU!
Him: Okay, so I'll see you later, okay? all around big effing fail right there.
Who: Larry Gatlin Where: On a Southwest Airlines flight from Austin to Nashville. I know, I know...what the hell, right? Yeah, it's the guy who sang "All the Gold in California". The Gatlin Brothers and all that. Country music from the 1980s that my Dad listened to in the car. Me...I'm not a fan. However, as we got seated and my brother and I were looking around, we both saw him walk past our seats and our eyes immediately met and we both at the exact same time began singing and snapping our fingers loudly to "ALL THE GOOOLLLLD IN CALIFORRRNIA IS IN A BANK IN THE MIDDLE OF BEVERLY HILLS...IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAME...." Mr. Gatlin seemed displeased, as he whipped his head around and met our blank stares. At the airport in Nashville, he was waiting for a connecting flight, as were we, and my dad decided to go "make friends" with him. I'm sure he enjoyed that. I am sure the conversation went something like this:
Dad: Ah bet yew git lotsa people who recuhnaz yew.
Gatlin: Not really. I suck.
Dad: Ah always lakked yer music.
Gatlin: Thanks.
Dad: Mah kids thank thur funny sanging lak that. Ahm sorry they did that to yew.
Gatlin: Don't worry. I suck. I deserve it.
Dad: Welp, okay then. Been nas talkin' to ya.
Who: Weird Al Yankovic Where: Bee Caves Road in Austin. To be honest, I cannot really call this a near miss or a meeting. See, we were driving and on the other side of the road a car approached us and Weird Al was sitting in the front passenger seat with his feet hanging out the window. We all hollered, "WEIRD AL YANKOVIC!! DID YOU SEE THAT?' And that was the end of that.
Who: Bob Lily ( in case you don't recognize the name he is a famous ex Dallas Cowboy who my Mom had a horrible crush on when I was a child. She put up pictures of him to piss my Dad off.) Anyhow, ever since then, our family seems to like...run into him in weird places. Malls, art galleries, public restrooms, no really...mall public restrooms. Well, my Dad and brother did. Mom and I were out waiting. It's like we expect to see him, now. I'm sure he thinks we are stalking him. But he is all old and not hot so nah. Not happening.
Speaking of old: Who: Charlie Waters and (again) Cliff Harris Where: Book festival at the state capitol building in Austin. See, Mom and I were walking around and I spied them at a table signing books about the "Doomsday Defense", and there was a HUGE ASSED line of women who obviously remembered their fine asses and deft football movements with extreme clarity. They were all old women, but still... So, I whispered really loudly to my Mom, "OH.MY.GOD. LOOK! IT'S CHARLIE WATERS!!!!" I had his poster in my room when I was a teenager because he was unbelievably hot and amazing and I hate the Seattle Seahawks to this day because they ruined his career by hurting his knee so badly. Anyhow, my Mom says, "YOUR'RE RIGHT!" (she never speaks normally. She is always yelling.) "AND THAT IS CLIFF HARRIS! REMEMBER WHEN I TINKLED IN MY PANTS WHEN HE CAME OVER???" So, of course, people looked at us, and Cliff Harris recognized me..all of 30 years later and waved us over. We cut in front of the legion of elderly women who immediately put out hits on us, and Charlie who I had loved so very tenderly in my youth was now a wrinkled OLD looking man. And they were sitting down so I could not judge their asses, sadly. However, Cliff Harris reiterated in an embarrassing way how one night with me had CHANGED HIS LIFE..AND HE WOULD NEVER FORGET ME. He even WROTE IT IN THE BOOK. I was appalled and dismayed and afterwards my Mother wouldn't let up. "When did you go out with him??? What did you do, for God's sake???" The legion of old lady fans glared at me like I was the town strumpet. Which, I guess I was, but not for that.
Who: That Wilson Brother. Not the one with the nose, the other one. Where: The Bob Bullock Museum of Texas History. Luke or whatever his name is was filming the movie "Idiocracy" and some scenes took place there. My kids were little, and I was standing in the hallway outside of the restrooms waiting for my four year old to come out. I hear, "Mooomyyy...come help me wipe my butt!" Then, a very tall, exceedingly handsome and very familiar looking guy came out and said, "Ma'am, do you have a little boy?" I croaked out, "Yes..." He said, "Do you want me to leave the room and you can go in?" and I stood there. My husband walked up and I said, "Go help Tyler." Then, I profusely thanked Luke or Owen or whatever his name is. The one with brown hair who is cute. That one.
Who: The Smithereens Where: A bar in El Paso. My friend (the one who made out with La Bamba) and I were feeling no pain and we just jumped up and grabbed microphones and told them to play "Sweet Home Alabama" and they obliged and we sang with them, and it was probably god awful. I don't remember. It was fun, though, I'm sure. Evidently, they had no security.
*People I've only seen, but not met* In London, I saw Gene Hackman walk by a pub we were in.
In London, I either saw Ben Affleck or his twin at a tube station. I don't even think he's cute, so I wouldn't be imagining that.
In London, I nearly threw down with exercise guru Denise Austin. She CUT IN FRONT OF ME AT THE TOWER OF LONDON. She was babbling about "Can we use a Fast Pass here?" and I poked her and said, "Hey, this isn't DisneyWorld, go to the back of the li----hey are you Denise Austin?" and she said, "Yeah!" and I became an imbecile and said, "I used your videos when I was pregnant...." and then she cut in front of us.
That's all I can think of right now. There are probably others, as I'm always saying, "Oh yeah, I met him once...I was at...blah blah blah.." and everyone sits open mouthed and thinks I'm lying. Why would I make up Lou Diamond Philips for the love of God? Not one shit do I give about him.
I will keep you updated as to my near brushes with fame as they occur. They never surprise me and they always surprise others. Weird.
Let's run down the list of "famous" people I've "ALMOST" met.
1. Who: Helen Hunt Where: Some random card/novelty store is some place in Los Angeles. She smiled at me, I smiled at her and that was that.
2. Who: Stevie Ray Vaughn Where: Some dive in Austin. My friend and I were obviously QUITE hot and desirable because dudes bought us drinks all the time, then got mad at us for throwing up on them and shit. Very touchy. Anyhow, Stevie Ray Vaughn played at some bar one night, and after he came over to the bar where my friend and I were taking free drinks with gusto, he said he would be buying for us for the rest of the night. All the other non famous dudes skulked away sadly, while we boozed it up with Stevie. Big Fail: We didn't really know or care who he was at the time. We sucked.
3. Who: Lou Diamond Philips Where: A bar in Juarez, Mexico that we all frequented. Well, not him, but all of us kids. I had to pull my best friend off of him because they were making out in a disgusting fashion right in the middle of the bar. I kept yelling at her, "STOP MAKING OUT WITH THE LA BAMBA GUY!" Because, come on...he is gross.
4 Who: Various Dallas Cowboys Where: Various places. Here's the deal. I met and sort of hung out with Cliff Harris when I was a younger lady. He confused me for my cousin and signed a book to me saying the "night" he spent with me had "changed his life". When I say "younger" lady, I mean like 14, tops. I was changing no lives. My cousin, on the other hand...who knows. I do remember Cliff had a nice ass. And my Mom peed her pants when he came over to meet everyone. We are classy like that.
Then, there is Emmitt Smith, or as my family calls him, "EJ". My grandfather worked for the University of Florida athletic department. He knew so many people it's bizarre. Anyhow, Emmitt was one of the guys who stayed in touch with my grandpa until he died. (My grandpa, not Emmitt...he's still alive). Emmitt was super nice and not at all durpy like he is in the Academy commercials. My grandpa also knew Michael Jordan and Joe Paterno, but would have disowned Joe had he been alive during the scandal. My grandpa is in the Nike Hall of Fame with one other dude. Michael Fucking Jordan. Big Fail: I've never met Michael Jordan.
Okay, let's see...who else?
Oh shit. Seriously. Hang on to your asses for this one. I cry almost daily over this near true life love story.
Who: JOHNNY FUCKING DEPP AND LEONARDO FUCKING DICAPRIO Where: That little town east of Austin where they filmed "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". My (at the time) husband was a paramedic and the film company kept an ambulance on the set at all times. Well, they actually needed them to drive the ambulance in one scene when Leonardo climbs a water tower. Yeah, that's my dumbass ex driving the ambulance. So, I had no idea who was in the movie or what he was doing for his off duty employment. I didn't give a rat's ass because I was approximately 140 months pregnant with my first child. I was not giving a fuck about much of anything except giving birth at that point.
So, one evening, I receive a call from the fool I was married to, and he told me he would be late because he was going out for drinks with a couple of guys from the set. He also told me I should come. I said, "No! I am disgusting!" He said, "No, you're fine...drive out here...these guys are really nice." I said, "Who are they?" He said, "Some guy named Leo DiCaprio and then that guy you liked from that show 21 Jump Street...Johnny whatever." *silence*
Him: Hello? Are you there?
Me: Silence
Him: Hey, are you okay?
Me: WAAAAHHHHH!!! You are going out with Johhny Depp??? Are you fucking kidding me??? Goddammit!!!! Who the hell is Leo DiCaprio, I guess he is hot as lava, too, right??? GODDAMMIT, SONUVABITCH!!!!
Him: So you know who I'm talking about?
Me: I HATE YOU! YOU SONUVABITCH!!! YOU KNOW I'M ENORMOUS AND HORMONAL!! YOU KNOW NO MAN WILL LIKE ME!!! I HATE YOU!
Him: Okay, so I'll see you later, okay? all around big effing fail right there.
Who: Larry Gatlin Where: On a Southwest Airlines flight from Austin to Nashville. I know, I know...what the hell, right? Yeah, it's the guy who sang "All the Gold in California". The Gatlin Brothers and all that. Country music from the 1980s that my Dad listened to in the car. Me...I'm not a fan. However, as we got seated and my brother and I were looking around, we both saw him walk past our seats and our eyes immediately met and we both at the exact same time began singing and snapping our fingers loudly to "ALL THE GOOOLLLLD IN CALIFORRRNIA IS IN A BANK IN THE MIDDLE OF BEVERLY HILLS...IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAME...." Mr. Gatlin seemed displeased, as he whipped his head around and met our blank stares. At the airport in Nashville, he was waiting for a connecting flight, as were we, and my dad decided to go "make friends" with him. I'm sure he enjoyed that. I am sure the conversation went something like this:
Dad: Ah bet yew git lotsa people who recuhnaz yew.
Gatlin: Not really. I suck.
Dad: Ah always lakked yer music.
Gatlin: Thanks.
Dad: Mah kids thank thur funny sanging lak that. Ahm sorry they did that to yew.
Gatlin: Don't worry. I suck. I deserve it.
Dad: Welp, okay then. Been nas talkin' to ya.
Who: Weird Al Yankovic Where: Bee Caves Road in Austin. To be honest, I cannot really call this a near miss or a meeting. See, we were driving and on the other side of the road a car approached us and Weird Al was sitting in the front passenger seat with his feet hanging out the window. We all hollered, "WEIRD AL YANKOVIC!! DID YOU SEE THAT?' And that was the end of that.
Who: Bob Lily ( in case you don't recognize the name he is a famous ex Dallas Cowboy who my Mom had a horrible crush on when I was a child. She put up pictures of him to piss my Dad off.) Anyhow, ever since then, our family seems to like...run into him in weird places. Malls, art galleries, public restrooms, no really...mall public restrooms. Well, my Dad and brother did. Mom and I were out waiting. It's like we expect to see him, now. I'm sure he thinks we are stalking him. But he is all old and not hot so nah. Not happening.
Speaking of old: Who: Charlie Waters and (again) Cliff Harris Where: Book festival at the state capitol building in Austin. See, Mom and I were walking around and I spied them at a table signing books about the "Doomsday Defense", and there was a HUGE ASSED line of women who obviously remembered their fine asses and deft football movements with extreme clarity. They were all old women, but still... So, I whispered really loudly to my Mom, "OH.MY.GOD. LOOK! IT'S CHARLIE WATERS!!!!" I had his poster in my room when I was a teenager because he was unbelievably hot and amazing and I hate the Seattle Seahawks to this day because they ruined his career by hurting his knee so badly. Anyhow, my Mom says, "YOUR'RE RIGHT!" (she never speaks normally. She is always yelling.) "AND THAT IS CLIFF HARRIS! REMEMBER WHEN I TINKLED IN MY PANTS WHEN HE CAME OVER???" So, of course, people looked at us, and Cliff Harris recognized me..all of 30 years later and waved us over. We cut in front of the legion of elderly women who immediately put out hits on us, and Charlie who I had loved so very tenderly in my youth was now a wrinkled OLD looking man. And they were sitting down so I could not judge their asses, sadly. However, Cliff Harris reiterated in an embarrassing way how one night with me had CHANGED HIS LIFE..AND HE WOULD NEVER FORGET ME. He even WROTE IT IN THE BOOK. I was appalled and dismayed and afterwards my Mother wouldn't let up. "When did you go out with him??? What did you do, for God's sake???" The legion of old lady fans glared at me like I was the town strumpet. Which, I guess I was, but not for that.
Who: That Wilson Brother. Not the one with the nose, the other one. Where: The Bob Bullock Museum of Texas History. Luke or whatever his name is was filming the movie "Idiocracy" and some scenes took place there. My kids were little, and I was standing in the hallway outside of the restrooms waiting for my four year old to come out. I hear, "Mooomyyy...come help me wipe my butt!" Then, a very tall, exceedingly handsome and very familiar looking guy came out and said, "Ma'am, do you have a little boy?" I croaked out, "Yes..." He said, "Do you want me to leave the room and you can go in?" and I stood there. My husband walked up and I said, "Go help Tyler." Then, I profusely thanked Luke or Owen or whatever his name is. The one with brown hair who is cute. That one.
Who: The Smithereens Where: A bar in El Paso. My friend (the one who made out with La Bamba) and I were feeling no pain and we just jumped up and grabbed microphones and told them to play "Sweet Home Alabama" and they obliged and we sang with them, and it was probably god awful. I don't remember. It was fun, though, I'm sure. Evidently, they had no security.
*People I've only seen, but not met* In London, I saw Gene Hackman walk by a pub we were in.
In London, I either saw Ben Affleck or his twin at a tube station. I don't even think he's cute, so I wouldn't be imagining that.
In London, I nearly threw down with exercise guru Denise Austin. She CUT IN FRONT OF ME AT THE TOWER OF LONDON. She was babbling about "Can we use a Fast Pass here?" and I poked her and said, "Hey, this isn't DisneyWorld, go to the back of the li----hey are you Denise Austin?" and she said, "Yeah!" and I became an imbecile and said, "I used your videos when I was pregnant...." and then she cut in front of us.
That's all I can think of right now. There are probably others, as I'm always saying, "Oh yeah, I met him once...I was at...blah blah blah.." and everyone sits open mouthed and thinks I'm lying. Why would I make up Lou Diamond Philips for the love of God? Not one shit do I give about him.
I will keep you updated as to my near brushes with fame as they occur. They never surprise me and they always surprise others. Weird.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
And the countdown begins...
So, hey there. I haven't written in so long because, well...I've been insanely busy with work. It's the end of the school year and we have so much to do it isn't even rational. I get emails multiple times a day that are very cryptic. An example;
Make sure you have your EOY spreadsheet with EOY grade and information in my box this afternoon. Thank you.
Okay. Let's break this down: Number one: EOY means "End of Year". Number two: I cannot put in information I do not yet have...like oh...say...GRADES for the end of the year. I can't enter attendance, I can't produce awards for perfect attendance because some kid might decide not to show up the last three days or something. THIRDLY: I've sent this data and copied it and saved it and discussed it ad infinitum.
Other teachers and I send emails back and forth that say thing like:
Me: Seriously? Did I get ANOTHER demand for this?
Friend: Yes. I think we'll get about 500 more.
Me: I need to teach.
Friend: Me, too. They don't want to learn.
Me: Mine, either.
Friend: Can we have them paste things?
Me: No paste allowed.
We are tired. I mean, we love kids. We love teaching. We are BURNT.THE.HELL.OUT. now, though. If I have ONE MORE KID TELL ME THAT SOMEONE ROLLED THEIR EYES AT THEM, I will permanently keep my eyes in a rolled position.
I understand that parents are worn out, too. I'm a parent, as well. However, since I've seen both sides...I'll tell you this: being the teacher sucks WAY more at this point than being the parent. The endless reports, the repetitive clerical tasks, the never ending assemblies...all the while, we are supposed to continue teaching and assessing children. But wait! For the EDUCATIONAL value, we are taking this grade level to ....the movies! But don't show any movies in class. That's what all those movies in the library are for. NOT showing. SHOWING them is wrong, inappropriate and HIGHLY ILLEGAL. (not)
Then, when you think you might see a wee spot of light at the endless tunnel of despair, you are called into the principal's office (way worse when you are an adult) and get asked if you had the kids give you a freakin' FOOT MASSAGE.
Me: *staring blankly*
Principal: Well, did you?
Me: Bahahahah! You're joking, right?
Principal: Actually, no. There are things being said.
Me: What THINGS?
Principal: You cuss in class.
Me: Oh no I don't!
Principal: I feel sure you do.
Me: Well, I am informing you that I do NOT do that.
Principal; *stares at me*
Me: *stares back*
As one of my students says: Let me break this down for you: I don't want them too close to me, let alone TOUCHING me. If they don't give me a full leg and foot massage with nice smelling salts in the water and perfectly paint the toenails, I am not interested.
That goes back and forth while insane allegations are thrown around that really sound like they were thought up two seconds ago. "It is being said that your husband doesn't wear pants when he comes up here."
Me: BAHAHAHAHAH!!! NO REALLY!
Principal; Well, does he?
Me: Number one, you see him. Number two, really???? Number three: He wears shorts. Holy crap. Does my husband wear pants? THIS one is getting written down in my "Holy Shit" book.
It would be highly comical if it wasn't so horrible. However, when someone wants to get you, they get pretty desperate if there's nothing wrong with your job performance.
I will have you know that there are five days of school left. Hallelujah and praise the lord. Pass the plate or whatever it is people say.
Will I miss these students? Of course. Will I mourn the end of the year? No. damned. way.
Of course, we have many great things to discuss about the kids, too. On one paper, there was a question where the student had to write in a short answer. The question was how did the anglo settlers attempt to get along with the Mexican government. One kid wrote: "They said please kill me." WHAT???? I don't even know what that means!
Or, which of these needs sunlight to produce it's food? A. Rabbit B. Sunfish C. Duck D. Water Lily.
DOOOYYYYY. Obviously it's SUNFISH because it has the word SUN in it's name! You could hear my head banging on my desk a mile away.
Anyhow, this group is finished. I've done my best. I swear to God, I've done my best. Now, it's time to turn them back over to you. Good luck and Godspeed.
Make sure you have your EOY spreadsheet with EOY grade and information in my box this afternoon. Thank you.
Okay. Let's break this down: Number one: EOY means "End of Year". Number two: I cannot put in information I do not yet have...like oh...say...GRADES for the end of the year. I can't enter attendance, I can't produce awards for perfect attendance because some kid might decide not to show up the last three days or something. THIRDLY: I've sent this data and copied it and saved it and discussed it ad infinitum.
Other teachers and I send emails back and forth that say thing like:
Me: Seriously? Did I get ANOTHER demand for this?
Friend: Yes. I think we'll get about 500 more.
Me: I need to teach.
Friend: Me, too. They don't want to learn.
Me: Mine, either.
Friend: Can we have them paste things?
Me: No paste allowed.
We are tired. I mean, we love kids. We love teaching. We are BURNT.THE.HELL.OUT. now, though. If I have ONE MORE KID TELL ME THAT SOMEONE ROLLED THEIR EYES AT THEM, I will permanently keep my eyes in a rolled position.
I understand that parents are worn out, too. I'm a parent, as well. However, since I've seen both sides...I'll tell you this: being the teacher sucks WAY more at this point than being the parent. The endless reports, the repetitive clerical tasks, the never ending assemblies...all the while, we are supposed to continue teaching and assessing children. But wait! For the EDUCATIONAL value, we are taking this grade level to ....the movies! But don't show any movies in class. That's what all those movies in the library are for. NOT showing. SHOWING them is wrong, inappropriate and HIGHLY ILLEGAL. (not)
Then, when you think you might see a wee spot of light at the endless tunnel of despair, you are called into the principal's office (way worse when you are an adult) and get asked if you had the kids give you a freakin' FOOT MASSAGE.
Me: *staring blankly*
Principal: Well, did you?
Me: Bahahahah! You're joking, right?
Principal: Actually, no. There are things being said.
Me: What THINGS?
Principal: You cuss in class.
Me: Oh no I don't!
Principal: I feel sure you do.
Me: Well, I am informing you that I do NOT do that.
Principal; *stares at me*
Me: *stares back*
As one of my students says: Let me break this down for you: I don't want them too close to me, let alone TOUCHING me. If they don't give me a full leg and foot massage with nice smelling salts in the water and perfectly paint the toenails, I am not interested.
That goes back and forth while insane allegations are thrown around that really sound like they were thought up two seconds ago. "It is being said that your husband doesn't wear pants when he comes up here."
Me: BAHAHAHAHAH!!! NO REALLY!
Principal; Well, does he?
Me: Number one, you see him. Number two, really???? Number three: He wears shorts. Holy crap. Does my husband wear pants? THIS one is getting written down in my "Holy Shit" book.
It would be highly comical if it wasn't so horrible. However, when someone wants to get you, they get pretty desperate if there's nothing wrong with your job performance.
I will have you know that there are five days of school left. Hallelujah and praise the lord. Pass the plate or whatever it is people say.
Will I miss these students? Of course. Will I mourn the end of the year? No. damned. way.
Of course, we have many great things to discuss about the kids, too. On one paper, there was a question where the student had to write in a short answer. The question was how did the anglo settlers attempt to get along with the Mexican government. One kid wrote: "They said please kill me." WHAT???? I don't even know what that means!
Or, which of these needs sunlight to produce it's food? A. Rabbit B. Sunfish C. Duck D. Water Lily.
DOOOYYYYY. Obviously it's SUNFISH because it has the word SUN in it's name! You could hear my head banging on my desk a mile away.
Anyhow, this group is finished. I've done my best. I swear to God, I've done my best. Now, it's time to turn them back over to you. Good luck and Godspeed.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Writing with my students
I had a dog when I was younger. It's hard to describe this particular dog. One way would be to say he looked like he was constipated and listening to someone speaking a foreign language while looking at a crispy, juicy piece of pig's meat. That is to say, he was very unusual looking.
I called him "Opposite". Why did I call him this? Well, that's easy. Because no matter what he was told to do, he ALWAYS did the OPPOSITE thing. If I said, "Opposite! Come!" He would go the other way. If I said, "Opposite! Sit!" He would do a paw stand. In other words, Opposite seemed to be determined to make humans confused! We wondered, "Why doesn't he do what he is told?" I took him to Obedience School. That didn't work. The reason was, well, he always did the opposite of what the instructor told him to do. I tried giving him treats when he did the right thing. The problem was, he NEVER did the right thing! So, he got no treats. I even called "The Dog Whisperer" from television. Do you know what he told me? He said that Opposite was a hopeless case.
I even took foreign language classes in case Opposite understood another language! Nope. Nothing worked. Finally, my friend Johnny said, "Why don't you try telling him to do the OPPOSITE of what you want him to do?" I thought that was an amazing idea! How simple! I decided to give it a try.
I began with an easy command. I said," Opposite, sit!" He didn't. So, I said, "Opposite, do NOT sit!" What do you know? He sat right down on his bottom! For that, he got a tasty treat. I decided that might be just coincidence, so I tried another command. I said, "Opposite, do NOT roll over." What did he do? He rolled right across the room!
I guess that shows that even if you can't teach a dog new tricks, sometimes, the dog can teach YOU new tricks!
I called him "Opposite". Why did I call him this? Well, that's easy. Because no matter what he was told to do, he ALWAYS did the OPPOSITE thing. If I said, "Opposite! Come!" He would go the other way. If I said, "Opposite! Sit!" He would do a paw stand. In other words, Opposite seemed to be determined to make humans confused! We wondered, "Why doesn't he do what he is told?" I took him to Obedience School. That didn't work. The reason was, well, he always did the opposite of what the instructor told him to do. I tried giving him treats when he did the right thing. The problem was, he NEVER did the right thing! So, he got no treats. I even called "The Dog Whisperer" from television. Do you know what he told me? He said that Opposite was a hopeless case.
I even took foreign language classes in case Opposite understood another language! Nope. Nothing worked. Finally, my friend Johnny said, "Why don't you try telling him to do the OPPOSITE of what you want him to do?" I thought that was an amazing idea! How simple! I decided to give it a try.
I began with an easy command. I said," Opposite, sit!" He didn't. So, I said, "Opposite, do NOT sit!" What do you know? He sat right down on his bottom! For that, he got a tasty treat. I decided that might be just coincidence, so I tried another command. I said, "Opposite, do NOT roll over." What did he do? He rolled right across the room!
I guess that shows that even if you can't teach a dog new tricks, sometimes, the dog can teach YOU new tricks!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
59 Things
This is 59 things about my husband.
1. He is 59
2. He remembers Kennedy being assassinated. I wasn't even born. Hah.
3. He went to Berkeley yet wasn't a hippie.
4. He was an officer in the US Army.
5. He was a police officer for 25 years.
6. He loves dogs.
7. Like, really REALLY loves dogs.
8. He does nothing but post stupid crap on his Facebook all day long while I work my ass off.
9. He is kind to animals.
10. He never says "I'm sorry".
11. He never admits he is wrong.
12. He is not good with gift giving. He is getting better, though. Or maybe I'm better at just getting what I want on my own.
13. He has a soft heart.
14. He is an only child.
15. He is deaf as a door post.
16. He has a HORRIBLE TEMPER.
17. He is very different.
18. He can quote any Texas state law. Weird.
19. He is not religious.
20. Yet he agrees with the right wing Tea Party nut jobs.
21. He considers putting a load of laundry UNSORTED AND ON THE WRONG SETTING into the washer as a day's work.
22. He is hysterically funny.
23. He is brilliant.
24. He believes in aliens. Not illegal aliens. Just..space aliens.
25. He thinks we are aliens.
26. He watches the news every single night without fail. National and local. Twice.
27. He is the biggest miser you ever met in your life.
28. He has an irrational fear of having no money.
29. He bought a house with cash when he was in his 20s.
30. He built a house with cash in his 30s.
31. He has a lovely wife.
32. He created a gorgeous, brilliant daughter.
33. He pisses me off really, really badly a lot.
34. But he makes me laugh even more.
35. He is who I want to be with for the rest of my life.
36. He claims to be on a diet but eats all day long.
37. He thinks "walking" the dogs down the block as they run in circles and bark to be "exercise".
38. This is getting difficult....59 is old.
39. He is 100% wrong politically.
40. Deep down inside he must know this.
41. He is a gun fanatic.
42. He is an AMAZING shot. I mean...creepily good.
43. He checks our fund balances and bank balance and credit card (1) HOURLY.
44. He uses a CPAP machine to sleep and looks like a Russian cosmonaut.
45. He is quite hairy.
46. He is an excellent father.
47. He has no spine with his children, though. They can walk all over him. Which is why God made mothers, I guess.
48. He supports me. NOT FINANCIALLY. I work my ass off.
49. He also does the financial, though.
50. He likes dogs way better than people.
51. He won't wear pants unless it's really cold.
52. Ditto for closed toe shoes.
53. We couldn't go to dinner on a cruise because he brought no pants. Only shorts.
54. He isn't a beach person.
55. He likes to find crap and keep it.
56. He loves dumpster diving.
57. He thinks he can fix and/or make anything. He is wrong.
58. He has huge eyebrows.
59. He is the love of my life.
1. He is 59
2. He remembers Kennedy being assassinated. I wasn't even born. Hah.
3. He went to Berkeley yet wasn't a hippie.
4. He was an officer in the US Army.
5. He was a police officer for 25 years.
6. He loves dogs.
7. Like, really REALLY loves dogs.
8. He does nothing but post stupid crap on his Facebook all day long while I work my ass off.
9. He is kind to animals.
10. He never says "I'm sorry".
11. He never admits he is wrong.
12. He is not good with gift giving. He is getting better, though. Or maybe I'm better at just getting what I want on my own.
13. He has a soft heart.
14. He is an only child.
15. He is deaf as a door post.
16. He has a HORRIBLE TEMPER.
17. He is very different.
18. He can quote any Texas state law. Weird.
19. He is not religious.
20. Yet he agrees with the right wing Tea Party nut jobs.
21. He considers putting a load of laundry UNSORTED AND ON THE WRONG SETTING into the washer as a day's work.
22. He is hysterically funny.
23. He is brilliant.
24. He believes in aliens. Not illegal aliens. Just..space aliens.
25. He thinks we are aliens.
26. He watches the news every single night without fail. National and local. Twice.
27. He is the biggest miser you ever met in your life.
28. He has an irrational fear of having no money.
29. He bought a house with cash when he was in his 20s.
30. He built a house with cash in his 30s.
31. He has a lovely wife.
32. He created a gorgeous, brilliant daughter.
33. He pisses me off really, really badly a lot.
34. But he makes me laugh even more.
35. He is who I want to be with for the rest of my life.
36. He claims to be on a diet but eats all day long.
37. He thinks "walking" the dogs down the block as they run in circles and bark to be "exercise".
38. This is getting difficult....59 is old.
39. He is 100% wrong politically.
40. Deep down inside he must know this.
41. He is a gun fanatic.
42. He is an AMAZING shot. I mean...creepily good.
43. He checks our fund balances and bank balance and credit card (1) HOURLY.
44. He uses a CPAP machine to sleep and looks like a Russian cosmonaut.
45. He is quite hairy.
46. He is an excellent father.
47. He has no spine with his children, though. They can walk all over him. Which is why God made mothers, I guess.
48. He supports me. NOT FINANCIALLY. I work my ass off.
49. He also does the financial, though.
50. He likes dogs way better than people.
51. He won't wear pants unless it's really cold.
52. Ditto for closed toe shoes.
53. We couldn't go to dinner on a cruise because he brought no pants. Only shorts.
54. He isn't a beach person.
55. He likes to find crap and keep it.
56. He loves dumpster diving.
57. He thinks he can fix and/or make anything. He is wrong.
58. He has huge eyebrows.
59. He is the love of my life.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
16 Things
16 things about my son Tyler. (Again, because he is 16.)
1. He can't decide which name he wants to be called by. His given name is Nathaniel Tyler Brewer. We have always called him Tyler. His school calls him variations of "Nathan", (um, NO), "Nathaniel", "Nate" *HELL NO* and Tyler.
2. He is enormous. Like his bones are huge.
3. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen.
4. Ditto for his eyelashes. Only they aren't blue. They are black and long and curly.
5. He is funny as hell.
6. He is a Mama's boy. In a good way.
7. He has an amazing amount of self confidence. (That's a good thing.)
8. He has a crazy ability to remember historical information and classical music names, composers, and their lives.
9. He couldn't care less about grades.
10. He feels that the world is truly his oyster. Or Chicken Nugget. Whatever. It's there for his taking.
11. We still say things the way he said them as a baby because they were so weird. He called my brother, "Kiko Hess". He was trying to say, "Uncle Sam". 1
12. If he had been the first, he'd have been the last.
13. He weighed almost 11 pounds at birth and was 24" long.
14. He is also my heart and soul. I couldn't and wouldn't want to live without him.
15. He makes me laugh every day.
16. He is far smarter than he believes.
1. He can't decide which name he wants to be called by. His given name is Nathaniel Tyler Brewer. We have always called him Tyler. His school calls him variations of "Nathan", (um, NO), "Nathaniel", "Nate" *HELL NO* and Tyler.
2. He is enormous. Like his bones are huge.
3. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen.
4. Ditto for his eyelashes. Only they aren't blue. They are black and long and curly.
5. He is funny as hell.
6. He is a Mama's boy. In a good way.
7. He has an amazing amount of self confidence. (That's a good thing.)
8. He has a crazy ability to remember historical information and classical music names, composers, and their lives.
9. He couldn't care less about grades.
10. He feels that the world is truly his oyster. Or Chicken Nugget. Whatever. It's there for his taking.
11. We still say things the way he said them as a baby because they were so weird. He called my brother, "Kiko Hess". He was trying to say, "Uncle Sam". 1
12. If he had been the first, he'd have been the last.
13. He weighed almost 11 pounds at birth and was 24" long.
14. He is also my heart and soul. I couldn't and wouldn't want to live without him.
15. He makes me laugh every day.
16. He is far smarter than he believes.
Monday, February 11, 2013
20 Things
These are 20 things about my son, Jack. You know, since he is 20 and all.
1. He is brilliant.
2. He has short femurs. (Those aren't like lemurs...they are your thigh bones.)
3. He had a "danger list" when he was little. Magma was at the top of the list. Can't argue with that.
4. He has been banned for life from the Auburn Hills Public Library in Auburn Hills, Michigan.
5. Ditto for the Auburn Hills Nature Trail.
6. He trips over his words.
7. He calls everything a "thingie".
8. I hear "Somewhere Out There" and I cry because we used to dance to that song when he was little.
9. He used to enact every Disney movie as he watched it. Exhausting.
10. He still doesn't sleep through the night.
11. He has sweet hands.
12. He cares nothing about clothing.
13. He is an excellent cook.
14. I was told by a third party today that he is "such a kind and polite young man". I am proud.
15. He is honest.
16. He is my heart.
17. He made me a Mother.
18. He deserves the best in life.
19. He is a dinosaur fanatic.
20. I have never loved anyone more.
1. He is brilliant.
2. He has short femurs. (Those aren't like lemurs...they are your thigh bones.)
3. He had a "danger list" when he was little. Magma was at the top of the list. Can't argue with that.
4. He has been banned for life from the Auburn Hills Public Library in Auburn Hills, Michigan.
5. Ditto for the Auburn Hills Nature Trail.
6. He trips over his words.
7. He calls everything a "thingie".
8. I hear "Somewhere Out There" and I cry because we used to dance to that song when he was little.
9. He used to enact every Disney movie as he watched it. Exhausting.
10. He still doesn't sleep through the night.
11. He has sweet hands.
12. He cares nothing about clothing.
13. He is an excellent cook.
14. I was told by a third party today that he is "such a kind and polite young man". I am proud.
15. He is honest.
16. He is my heart.
17. He made me a Mother.
18. He deserves the best in life.
19. He is a dinosaur fanatic.
20. I have never loved anyone more.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
47 Things.
Here are some(my age) things about me. They may not surprise you and will probably bore you.
1. I'm short.
2. I'm a very picky eater.
3. I could read Jane Austen all day long.
4. I am in real true love with Mr. Darcy. And Jack Bauer. And Ryan Gosling. Actually, I have a horrible problem with men. (Only men I have no chance with or who are imaginary.)
5. I still think I have a shot at being an Olympic figure skater although I've only skated on ice once and ended up badly bruised.
6. I have one brother. Thank God.
7. I have no sisters. Thank God.
8. I have been married for over 20 years.
9. Not to the same man, just..you know...continuously.
10. I take no bullshit.
11. I'm not easily intimidated.
12. I think I'm pretty damned smart.
13. I'm fairly well-read.
14. I'm a damned fine teacher.
15. I cannot tolerate insincerity.
16. Ditto for lying.
17. Ditto for hypochondriacs.
18. Ditto for hypocrites.
19. I have a low tolerance level for lots of things.
20. I have met many famous people, had many famous people buy me alcohol, sang with famous people on stage, (badly) and even dated one, but I am not, myself, famous.
21. I think I would make a kick ass spy. Or ninja. Or pirate.
22. I have a foul mouth. It's a bad habit, I know.
23. I have been arrested in Mexico. Allegedly.
24. I have never been arrested anywhere else.
25. I trust almost nobody. Period. Flaw? I don't think so. Smart? Undoubtedly.
26. I have ridden a mechanical bull, and I did it with flair and skill.
27. I can no longer tolerate even the smell of tequila. Or Brandy. Or Cognac. Or Orange Juice.
28. When I was pregnant and certain foods made me sick, I couldn't stop imagining them and then getting sick because I was imagining them. It was horrible. I would put the can of tomato soup WAAAY in the back of the cabinet and when I opened the cabinet the first thing I thought was, "Oh my God, that disgusting tomato soup is back there..." then I would retch.
29. I take things very literally. If you tell me you flew a flag OVER something, I assume you placed the flag in an airplane and FLEW IT OVER the place. I can't help it.
30. I'm blonde.
31. I can parallel park the SHIT out of any vehicle.
32. I have nightmares about falling off of windmills.
33. I have no bones in my left pinky toe.
34. I can(and did)have an 11 pound baby naturally, bitches.
35. I think Lamaze is the stupidest shit ever invented.
36. Next to Zumba, that is.
37. I'm a pretty good shot. You know, with a gun and all that.
38. I will kill someone if they come in my house or threaten me or my loved ones. I don't stop and ask questions. Bang. You're dead.
39. I was afraid Jaws was in my bathtub when I was little.
40. I am an insomniac.
41. I have multiple mental disorders which have been diagnosed. I cope. I take meds. Don't tell me you have an anger problem. I'll rip your face off.
42. I wish I wasn't as old as this, because I am out of shit to say.
43. I can tell you what year any song came out in my lifetime. Well, in my lifetime after I was about 7 or 8.
44. I'm pretty good with trivial information.
45. I have had several car accidents. One bad one. My fault.
46. My eyes burn like...ALL.THE.TIME.
47. Whew. Finally. Ummm....I'm not 50. AND, I'm not dead.
Waaalaa...there ya go.
1. I'm short.
2. I'm a very picky eater.
3. I could read Jane Austen all day long.
4. I am in real true love with Mr. Darcy. And Jack Bauer. And Ryan Gosling. Actually, I have a horrible problem with men. (Only men I have no chance with or who are imaginary.)
5. I still think I have a shot at being an Olympic figure skater although I've only skated on ice once and ended up badly bruised.
6. I have one brother. Thank God.
7. I have no sisters. Thank God.
8. I have been married for over 20 years.
9. Not to the same man, just..you know...continuously.
10. I take no bullshit.
11. I'm not easily intimidated.
12. I think I'm pretty damned smart.
13. I'm fairly well-read.
14. I'm a damned fine teacher.
15. I cannot tolerate insincerity.
16. Ditto for lying.
17. Ditto for hypochondriacs.
18. Ditto for hypocrites.
19. I have a low tolerance level for lots of things.
20. I have met many famous people, had many famous people buy me alcohol, sang with famous people on stage, (badly) and even dated one, but I am not, myself, famous.
21. I think I would make a kick ass spy. Or ninja. Or pirate.
22. I have a foul mouth. It's a bad habit, I know.
23. I have been arrested in Mexico. Allegedly.
24. I have never been arrested anywhere else.
25. I trust almost nobody. Period. Flaw? I don't think so. Smart? Undoubtedly.
26. I have ridden a mechanical bull, and I did it with flair and skill.
27. I can no longer tolerate even the smell of tequila. Or Brandy. Or Cognac. Or Orange Juice.
28. When I was pregnant and certain foods made me sick, I couldn't stop imagining them and then getting sick because I was imagining them. It was horrible. I would put the can of tomato soup WAAAY in the back of the cabinet and when I opened the cabinet the first thing I thought was, "Oh my God, that disgusting tomato soup is back there..." then I would retch.
29. I take things very literally. If you tell me you flew a flag OVER something, I assume you placed the flag in an airplane and FLEW IT OVER the place. I can't help it.
30. I'm blonde.
31. I can parallel park the SHIT out of any vehicle.
32. I have nightmares about falling off of windmills.
33. I have no bones in my left pinky toe.
34. I can(and did)have an 11 pound baby naturally, bitches.
35. I think Lamaze is the stupidest shit ever invented.
36. Next to Zumba, that is.
37. I'm a pretty good shot. You know, with a gun and all that.
38. I will kill someone if they come in my house or threaten me or my loved ones. I don't stop and ask questions. Bang. You're dead.
39. I was afraid Jaws was in my bathtub when I was little.
40. I am an insomniac.
41. I have multiple mental disorders which have been diagnosed. I cope. I take meds. Don't tell me you have an anger problem. I'll rip your face off.
42. I wish I wasn't as old as this, because I am out of shit to say.
43. I can tell you what year any song came out in my lifetime. Well, in my lifetime after I was about 7 or 8.
44. I'm pretty good with trivial information.
45. I have had several car accidents. One bad one. My fault.
46. My eyes burn like...ALL.THE.TIME.
47. Whew. Finally. Ummm....I'm not 50. AND, I'm not dead.
Waaalaa...there ya go.
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