Sunday, February 11, 2007
When the parent becomes the child
Current mood: blank
So my parents are supposedly getting divorced, right? Wrong. It depends on what day of the week you catch them on. I gave my Mom a truckload of money to retain a barracuda lawyer to make sure she is taken care of, right? Right. She's never worked, they've been married for 42 years...blah blah. So, oh fuck it. It's so fucking depressing it is too depressing to type. Yesterday, she put her wedding rings back on. I said, "What the hell?" and she said, "Well, I like them. Plus, you helped pick THIS one out, remember?" and I said, "Puh! Yeah! I was like 16! Dad took me with him to help him pick it out! So what?" And she just smiled like a demented person.
So, she claims his retirement place called her and said "I HOPE you aren't getting divorced, because if you do, you won't get as much money every month from us..."
How considerate of their staff psychic, huh? What the hell?!?!?!? I give up. I totally wash my hands, feet and all genital areas of this whole mess. My brother has to deal with it daily because she lives with him and his two kids who she helps take care of. But I give up.
Meanwhile, even though she is supposed to go with us to Europe in the summer, I know she'll wait till the last second and decide she can't.
I have gas.
The kind you can't fart out. It just sits there and hurts.
Dude! Anna Nicole Smith died! I was flabbergasted! And what was worse was that I was amazed that I was flabbergasted! Why do I care?
I mean, I was thinking about it and wondering and speculating...and then it hit me...I'm pathetic. I care about what happened to Anna Nicole Smith! We were talking about it at work, and this older man who is very courtly and gentlemanly claimed he didn't know who she was. We all said, 'yeah right,' and I threw up my arms and baby talk whispered, "Want mah bahhhhdy????Trimspa, Baby!!!" and he goes.."OH!!!!!! Her! She died?" and we all said, "Yes! Her!" and he said, 'Oh! What a shame!" and he walked off. Then it got really quiet because we all realized what I'd just done. The really awful thing was.....it didn't surprise anyone. Not even the nice gentleman. There's not much you can really say after a person throws their arms up in the air and says "Want my body, Trimspa Baby". Really. Take it from me. At least not in a work environment where everyone is supposed to be dignified and all that.
I'm doomed.
Currently reading:
The First Princess of Wales: A Novel
By Karen Harper
Release date: 26 December, 2006
Friday, July 9, 2010
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Cheerio, Ho!
Current mood: crappy
So Mak....we're going to England in July. I know I said we wouldn't take the kids to Europe again, but my babysitter (Mom) decided she wanted to go with us. Curses! So, it's going to be a traveling freak show. On ice, maybe. Anyhow....
Yesterday was my birthday. My father called me repeatedly. I did not pick up the phone. That makes me a heartless bitch who is going to hell, but I couldn't deal with it. I already have the cards stacked in the "hell" pile, anyhow.
So, yeah. I have a migraine behind my left eye right now that make me want to gouge out the eyeball with a blunt instrument. I might do that.
My beloved decided today to bring up a current event in the car with the kids in the car. He said, "There was a story in the paper about the shuttle astronauts...they were having a menage a trois....." Well....2 of my kids knew what that was. I slapped him as he was driving and asked him what the damned hell his problem was talking like that in front of the kids.
Our daughter said, "Wait...were they in SPACE having a menage a trois?!?!?!"
and I was hollering..."You don't need to KNOW THAT! HUSH UP!"
and my husband was saying, "Well, they weren't actually in the process...."
and then ther 3rd child figured out what we were talking about and he started hollering "OHMYGAWD!!!! DEEESGUSTINNN!!!! GROSSSSS!!!! GAAAWWWWD!!! CAN'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION FOR CHILDREN!!!!!"
So, I realized my husband did not KNOW what a menage a trois was..and I said, "Wait.....what do you think a menage a trois is?" and my older two kids were saying, "Oh my God...why do WE always have these conversations?"
and my husband said, "Well...they were having a love triangle..." and I said, "Oh JESUS H. MURPHY!!! THAT ISN'T A MENAGE A TROIS!!!! A MENAGE A TROIS IS 3 PEOPLE HAVING SEX TOGETHER AT ONE TIME!"
and he said "oh." and got very quiet and all of the kids were laughing and snorting and my husband then said, "Well, they weren't doing THAT!" and then his story was totally irrelevant because he had screwed it up so badly calling it a menage a trois. Then he babbled about some female astronaut driving cross country wearing Depends so she could pee in her pants without stopping so she could beat the hell out of the other female astronaut because they both wanted the male astronaut. SO not a menage a trois.
That was my afternoon.
Currently listening:
The Essential Johnny Cash
By Johnny Cash
Release date: 12 February, 2002
Cheerio, Ho!
Current mood: crappy
So Mak....we're going to England in July. I know I said we wouldn't take the kids to Europe again, but my babysitter (Mom) decided she wanted to go with us. Curses! So, it's going to be a traveling freak show. On ice, maybe. Anyhow....
Yesterday was my birthday. My father called me repeatedly. I did not pick up the phone. That makes me a heartless bitch who is going to hell, but I couldn't deal with it. I already have the cards stacked in the "hell" pile, anyhow.
So, yeah. I have a migraine behind my left eye right now that make me want to gouge out the eyeball with a blunt instrument. I might do that.
My beloved decided today to bring up a current event in the car with the kids in the car. He said, "There was a story in the paper about the shuttle astronauts...they were having a menage a trois....." Well....2 of my kids knew what that was. I slapped him as he was driving and asked him what the damned hell his problem was talking like that in front of the kids.
Our daughter said, "Wait...were they in SPACE having a menage a trois?!?!?!"
and I was hollering..."You don't need to KNOW THAT! HUSH UP!"
and my husband was saying, "Well, they weren't actually in the process...."
and then ther 3rd child figured out what we were talking about and he started hollering "OHMYGAWD!!!! DEEESGUSTINNN!!!! GROSSSSS!!!! GAAAWWWWD!!! CAN'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION FOR CHILDREN!!!!!"
So, I realized my husband did not KNOW what a menage a trois was..and I said, "Wait.....what do you think a menage a trois is?" and my older two kids were saying, "Oh my God...why do WE always have these conversations?"
and my husband said, "Well...they were having a love triangle..." and I said, "Oh JESUS H. MURPHY!!! THAT ISN'T A MENAGE A TROIS!!!! A MENAGE A TROIS IS 3 PEOPLE HAVING SEX TOGETHER AT ONE TIME!"
and he said "oh." and got very quiet and all of the kids were laughing and snorting and my husband then said, "Well, they weren't doing THAT!" and then his story was totally irrelevant because he had screwed it up so badly calling it a menage a trois. Then he babbled about some female astronaut driving cross country wearing Depends so she could pee in her pants without stopping so she could beat the hell out of the other female astronaut because they both wanted the male astronaut. SO not a menage a trois.
That was my afternoon.
Currently listening:
The Essential Johnny Cash
By Johnny Cash
Release date: 12 February, 2002
January 6, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
You effin' ho.
Current mood: apathetic
I told you that I don't have time for this. My life has officially re-started what with work and whatnot. And you need to answer this crap that you wanted me to start. It's your duty, you know. A gawdamned duty.
I have had a freakin' damned headache for 3 days. Try spending your day with 20 "gifted" kids all day with a migraine. I challenge you. G'head. Try it. I will have the sword and all the Japanese ritualistic suicide accoutrements ready for you. It's hell. I need to go see that gong-music playing chick again, I think.
I have nothing of any interest to tell you, except I saw "Little Miss Sunshine". Epic. Loved it. Fanfuckingtastic. I loved all of it. All of the characters, all of it. I want to have a kid like Olive. When Rick James' "Super Freak" came on, I jumped up and started dancing. Sanford was confused. (nothing new there)...so I hollered, "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" and he said, "Ooooohhhhh....ok." That movie was a spot of happiness in my otherwise wretched life these days.
I need to go do some work, but do I wanna? Hell naw. So, anyhow....please answer this dipshit blog crap.
Oh..this little kid yesterday...he stuck his finger out to me and said, "Mah fanger smells like opeemeal...wanna smell? Smells gooooood...." Random kid. In the hallway. Just another day. I told him "Thank you, no." and proceeded into the nearest private area to laugh my damned ass off and write it down on my hand so I could remember to tell you.
Opeemeal. Wanna smell?
Currently listening:
Ultimate Collection
By Rick James
Release date: 25 March, 1997
You effin' ho.
Current mood: apathetic
I told you that I don't have time for this. My life has officially re-started what with work and whatnot. And you need to answer this crap that you wanted me to start. It's your duty, you know. A gawdamned duty.
I have had a freakin' damned headache for 3 days. Try spending your day with 20 "gifted" kids all day with a migraine. I challenge you. G'head. Try it. I will have the sword and all the Japanese ritualistic suicide accoutrements ready for you. It's hell. I need to go see that gong-music playing chick again, I think.
I have nothing of any interest to tell you, except I saw "Little Miss Sunshine". Epic. Loved it. Fanfuckingtastic. I loved all of it. All of the characters, all of it. I want to have a kid like Olive. When Rick James' "Super Freak" came on, I jumped up and started dancing. Sanford was confused. (nothing new there)...so I hollered, "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" and he said, "Ooooohhhhh....ok." That movie was a spot of happiness in my otherwise wretched life these days.
I need to go do some work, but do I wanna? Hell naw. So, anyhow....please answer this dipshit blog crap.
Oh..this little kid yesterday...he stuck his finger out to me and said, "Mah fanger smells like opeemeal...wanna smell? Smells gooooood...." Random kid. In the hallway. Just another day. I told him "Thank you, no." and proceeded into the nearest private area to laugh my damned ass off and write it down on my hand so I could remember to tell you.
Opeemeal. Wanna smell?
Currently listening:
Ultimate Collection
By Rick James
Release date: 25 March, 1997
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Fresticles
Current mood: listless
Hey, Mak. So today we were at a place that has Fried Pickles which I love, naturally. So I said, "I'm gonna get some Fried Pickles.." and Sanford goes..."You're gonna get Fresticles?" and I said, "Yes. Yes, I am. That is what I'm getting....Fresticles....they are the testicles from a possum." He looked very confused (as usual) and the children were sitting open mouthed and after a moment they began choking/laughing/"ewwwwwing". Then I said, "Unless it's a female possum...they don't have fresticles...they have breasticles." I looked at Sanford and he was staring at me. He was as confused as ever, but he didn't ask anymore questions. I got my fried pickles. The waitress was hysterical. J. wouldn't look at her while he was ordering, so she bent down and whispered "Look into my eyes..." and he started choking. She needs to be a teacher.
I was very bobbly headed today, especially after I hit my head on J.'s loft-bed thing while I was networking his computer. (that sounded pretty godamned smart...the networking part...not the head hitting part.)
We have to take K.'s "boyfriend" with us tomorrow to my Mother's house for New Year's dinner. Ought to be horrific/interesting.
You could at least post on this damned MySpace shit. You are not making use of the technology. I predict Pink Poodles in your future.
Oh yeah. Happy New Year.
Currently listening:
This Is Big Audio Dynamite
By Big Audio Dynamite
Release date: 25 October, 1990
Fresticles
Current mood: listless
Hey, Mak. So today we were at a place that has Fried Pickles which I love, naturally. So I said, "I'm gonna get some Fried Pickles.." and Sanford goes..."You're gonna get Fresticles?" and I said, "Yes. Yes, I am. That is what I'm getting....Fresticles....they are the testicles from a possum." He looked very confused (as usual) and the children were sitting open mouthed and after a moment they began choking/laughing/"ewwwwwing". Then I said, "Unless it's a female possum...they don't have fresticles...they have breasticles." I looked at Sanford and he was staring at me. He was as confused as ever, but he didn't ask anymore questions. I got my fried pickles. The waitress was hysterical. J. wouldn't look at her while he was ordering, so she bent down and whispered "Look into my eyes..." and he started choking. She needs to be a teacher.
I was very bobbly headed today, especially after I hit my head on J.'s loft-bed thing while I was networking his computer. (that sounded pretty godamned smart...the networking part...not the head hitting part.)
We have to take K.'s "boyfriend" with us tomorrow to my Mother's house for New Year's dinner. Ought to be horrific/interesting.
You could at least post on this damned MySpace shit. You are not making use of the technology. I predict Pink Poodles in your future.
Oh yeah. Happy New Year.
Currently listening:
This Is Big Audio Dynamite
By Big Audio Dynamite
Release date: 25 October, 1990
Friday, December 29, 2006- Little Needles
Friday, December 29, 2006
Little needles
Current mood: blah
So, hey Mak....I had accupuncture yesterday. I had a headache, so I went to an accupuncturist. It's pretty much the only thing I haven't tried yet, so I gave it a shot.
First, the lady (who I found out was also a chiropractor..) started sticking needles all over my my hands, legs, feet and face, then she stuck a few in my scalp. The only one that hurt was right at my right pinkie finger cuticle. Then she left me alone for awhile in the dark with gong music which drove me nuts. Of course, I immediately began staring at the needles sticking out of me...which didn't help much, but after a few minutes, I relaxed and tried to let the energy unblock or whatever it's supposed to do.
When she came back in, she took the needles out then she popped my neck so loud it scared the living shit out of me, but it felt heavenly. Then she actually climbed up on the table with me and had me all contorted and told me my muscles are so twisted up that she can't get me "adjusted" until she gets my muscles relaxed. So, I go back every two days.
Holy shit, this was boring as hell. Oh, we had tornadoes today. Sanford cussed out the cable company on the phone, then when they got here, what else..let's see....ummmmm nope. I got nothin'.
Where the fuck are you? I got offered a poodle, and i was going to accept it and dye it pink and bring it to you. A real one.
Currently listening:
Mars Needs Guitars!
By Hoodoo Gurus
Release date: 25 October, 1990
Little needles
Current mood: blah
So, hey Mak....I had accupuncture yesterday. I had a headache, so I went to an accupuncturist. It's pretty much the only thing I haven't tried yet, so I gave it a shot.
First, the lady (who I found out was also a chiropractor..) started sticking needles all over my my hands, legs, feet and face, then she stuck a few in my scalp. The only one that hurt was right at my right pinkie finger cuticle. Then she left me alone for awhile in the dark with gong music which drove me nuts. Of course, I immediately began staring at the needles sticking out of me...which didn't help much, but after a few minutes, I relaxed and tried to let the energy unblock or whatever it's supposed to do.
When she came back in, she took the needles out then she popped my neck so loud it scared the living shit out of me, but it felt heavenly. Then she actually climbed up on the table with me and had me all contorted and told me my muscles are so twisted up that she can't get me "adjusted" until she gets my muscles relaxed. So, I go back every two days.
Holy shit, this was boring as hell. Oh, we had tornadoes today. Sanford cussed out the cable company on the phone, then when they got here, what else..let's see....ummmmm nope. I got nothin'.
Where the fuck are you? I got offered a poodle, and i was going to accept it and dye it pink and bring it to you. A real one.
Currently listening:
Mars Needs Guitars!
By Hoodoo Gurus
Release date: 25 October, 1990
Wednesday, December 27, 2006 RIP- The Godfather of Soul
I was going to say something that I think was sort of either important or amusing, I can't quite remember which right now. But you can be sure it was one of the two. Although it doesn't matter because nobody, including Mak is reading this, and dammit, why did you email me wanting me to join this crap if you aren't going to do this, too? Like I will have time after next week to do this? I can tell you right now....I WON'T.
Should I put up my old photo in honor of James Brown? I am devastated at his loss. "Hot Pants", "Sex Machine" I mean...I just.....how else would I have brushed my kid's teeth without singing "I Feel Good" at the top of my lungs whilst they screamed? I would holler back at them to scream all they liked because the wider they opened their mouths, the better I could brush their teeth. I pretended it was their teeth singing "I Feel Good", see....that's the James Brown tie in, there....anyways. RIP Godfather of Soul.
Currently listening:
James Brown - 20 All-Time Greatest Hits!
By James Brown
Release date: 22 October, 1991
11:18 PM
Should I put up my old photo in honor of James Brown? I am devastated at his loss. "Hot Pants", "Sex Machine" I mean...I just.....how else would I have brushed my kid's teeth without singing "I Feel Good" at the top of my lungs whilst they screamed? I would holler back at them to scream all they liked because the wider they opened their mouths, the better I could brush their teeth. I pretended it was their teeth singing "I Feel Good", see....that's the James Brown tie in, there....anyways. RIP Godfather of Soul.
Currently listening:
James Brown - 20 All-Time Greatest Hits!
By James Brown
Release date: 22 October, 1991
11:18 PM
The Beginning
I'm going to start trying to transfer my stuff on here and whittle it down, too. If they are all screwy with dates, just look at the date on the post...it will tell you when it was originally written.
Like anyone reads this drivel, anyhow.
Like anyone reads this drivel, anyhow.
work
Okay, I've deleted a lot of dumb blog posts that had nothing to do with anything, and now I'm putting in relevant stuff, so I have it organized. Talk amongst yourselves, if there are any of you out there.
Procrastination
I'm trying to avoid going to first the tanning salon, and then about an hour away to the nearest Nordstrom's where they have my picture with flashing lights around it in the shoe department. They love me. I want to go there to try the new Burberry cosmetics, buy some Bobbi Brown cosmetics and of course, Mac cosmetics. Does this make me shallow? Yeah. I don't care. Suck it.
OOH! Just remembered I have two gift certificates to a spa in another effin' city, but still...FREE!
OOH! Just remembered I have two gift certificates to a spa in another effin' city, but still...FREE!
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