WHAT IS MY DAMNED ACCOUNT NUMBER??

For some reason, the past two nights, I have fallen into a coma-like state at approximately 6:30 pm. I am always watching "24"...hmmm? Anyhow, my husband wakes me up and I stumble into bed. I drift off yet again. Not last night. I got back to a deep, deep sleep. The type of wondrous sleep where when you wake up you don't know who you are or where you are or how you got there, but there is no booze involved. Just deep sleep.

My phone rang. I didn't hear it. My husband heard it. Of course, having "Let It Be" by the Beatles as my ringtone sort of makes sure I don't hear it ring. Anyhow, it stopped ringing, I guess. Then it started again, so my husband woke me up. I fumbled around hollering, "Wha? Huh?" and picked up the phone. It was a person who sounded familiar, but their voice was amazingly LOUD. I realized it was because my phone was plugged into my speakers so I could listen to my thunderstorm all night because I'm neurotic, and as a result, his voice was amplified. That confused the hell out of me. Then I got mad that he would call so LATE! Um, wrong. It was 7:30.

It was my youngest son. Awww..he was calling to say he missed me and loved me. WRONG. Here is the conversation:

Ty: MOM!
Me: WHAT?
TY: WHAT ARE YOU DOING???
Me: sleeping...why are you up so late?
TY: MOM, IT'S 7:30!
Me: No way.
TY: Way.
Me: Ok. What.
TY: WHAT'S MY ACCOUNT NUMBER?????
Me: *?*
TY: MOM???? WHAT'S MY ACCOUNT NUMBER???

Now, it was still dark in the room, and I had no EFFING CLUE WHAT THE CHILD WAS TALKING ABOUT. I got the lamp turned on and my husband was sitting there asking, "What is he talking about?" That helped.

TY: MOM!!!!
Me: What account number?
TY: COME ON, MOM!!!! MY ACCOUNT NUMBER!!!
Me: Assuming I know what you are talking about, what do you need an account number for right now?
TY: UGH! MOM!
Me: Don't talk like that to me! I'll hang up.
TY: I NEED MY ACCOUNT NUMBER.

I realize this conversation is A. A dream, or B. Typical Tyler conversation.

I go with B.

Me: What account are you talking about?
TY: MY DEBIT CARD ACCOUNT! GRANNY GAVE ME MONEY AND I NEED TO PUT IT IN THE ACCOUNT!!!!
Me: Now?
TY: YES! NOW!
Me: (assuming some international espionage deal had to do with this account, I began asking where I could find the information.)
TY: YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS!!!
Me: You better watch that damned tone.
TY: UGH!
Me: Hang on, Dad is waving some paper in my face.

Sure enough, it was Ty's bank statement. I open it. I can't see shit because I just woke up. I don't have my reading glasses on. Much fumbling and squinting and cussing ensues.

Me: Okay. Here it is...
TY: LET ME GET A PENCIL AND PAPER.
Me: *pissed*
tick tock tick tock
TY: OKAY, GO AHEAD.
Me: blank blank blank, blank blank blank blank, blank blank blank blank.
TY: What?
Me: *repeats number*
TY: Repeats back COMPLETELY INCORRECT NUMBER WITHOUT ANY OF THE ACTUAL CORRECT DIGITS.
Me: NO! I SAID... *repeated correct number slowly and succinctly*
TY: YOU ARE YELLING AT ME!!!
Me: YES I'M YELLING AT YOU! YOU ARE BEING A BRAT AND I'M GOING TO BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU WHEN YOU GET OFF THE PLANE!!!
TY: Can you give me the number again, please?
Me: That's better. *I give him the number*
TY: *REPEATS BACK DIFFERENT TOTALLY INCORRECT NUMBER*
Me: I'm going to hang the hell up, Tyler.
TY: NO! ONE MORE TIME!!
Me: Fine. I repeated the damned stupid assed number
TY: HANG ON.

I wait while he attempts to access his account through a computer, I guess. It works. Hallelujah! We can all go back to sleep.
TY: IT WORKED.
Me: Good. Um, do you have anything to say?
TY: IT WORKED.
Me: Tyler?
TY: THANKS. I LOVE YOU.
Me: Better. I love you, too.

End of call. So, this morning, bright and early, I called him and screamed, 'WHAT'S MY ACCOUNT NUMBER????" at him repeatedly. He wasn't amused. Now, to be fair, one reason his voice was so loud was that it was coming through speakers. The other reason is that he is a LOUD TALKER ALL THE TIME. The third reason was that he was being a brat.

Tonight, my boys come home from Chicago. I have missed them. They left on Christmas Eve. I had no Christmas because without my children, why bother? I made him promise not to be a brat and not to fight with his brother when they got off the plane. Especially during the hour ride home. He promised. I forgot to tell you...he lies.