April 11, 2005

2005-04-11

Baskets of condoms!!!

Things I did when I was younger that made my Mother suffer.
(Okay, I still do these things…I'm immature as hell…)

These are really great pranks for you to use on very uptight parents; friends; etc.

1. While shopping at the grocery or drug store; I find it very amusing to load up the cart of my unsuspecting companion with as many boxes of condoms as I can. A caveat: It is important that the companion does not SEE you doing this. Somehow, you must be able to pretty much get every single box of condoms off the shelves an INTO the cart of your mother (or spouse, friend; whatever…) When I was growing up, I always did this while my mother was selecting feminine hygiene items. Usually, the condoms were on the same aisle…thus making my hi-jinks that much easier. If you do not have this setup in your store, I don't know what to tell ya. Figure it out. But it's worth it to figure it out, believe you me.
2. Get some of that "gooze" stuff or "slime" or whatever name it goes by now. Pretend you are going to sneeze. When you bend over to make the loud "ACHOO" sound, stick the gooze up your nose and let hit hang out as you stand up. Green gooze or slime works best.
3. Get some chocolate covered raisins. Eat them. Tell a small child you are eating rabbit poop.
4. I never said these were sophisticated.
5. Call MY mother and ask for "Claudia Hopkins". Don't ask why. Just do it. I'll pay you GOOD MONEY to do it, too.
6. This is VERY socially and/or politically incorrect, but perhaps that is one reason it is so effective and fun. Pretend you are mentally challenged while in public. It upsets whoever you are with. I guess unless they happen to be incapacitated in some way…then they wouldn't be upset at all…but maybe rather comforted…I don't really know.
7. If you see Larry Gatlin in public, take my advice, do NOT snap your fingers and sing "All the Gold in California". He won't be amused. He is VERY touchy.

This has gone from a "pranks I pulled on my Mom" to other things now. But it's no less relevant, which is to say it is not relevant at all, except to me. This is why it's my freakin' diary.

If you are broke on 6th Street in Austin, and it's still early yet and you want more BEER, (and who DOESN'T????) try this: Stand on a corner and sing. I don't care what you sing…and I don't care if you SUCK at singing. Just do it. People will give you money. In a few minutes….problem SOLVED. I did this with my brother (who still HOTLY denies it…HOTLY, I SAY…) and my best, best, best friend in the world, Lisa. Oops, I mean Leslie. Or: Lilith. Yeah. Lilith. My brother, Lilith and me. We sang "California Dreamin'" by the Mamas and the Papas. And we cleaned UP.
Disclaimer : my brother still hotly denies this to this very day. He lies. He is in a terrible state of denial over this. But he knows, deep deep down inside that he did this, and if the truth be known, it was HIS idea. *snort*


You know what? My grammar is atrocious. Simply atrocious. Fragments out the ass. Fragments here, fragments there, fragments, fragments everywhere. I wonder if I am even capable of creating a complete, coherent sentence anymore? I think this diary thing has some good points and some bad points. One bad point is that since I don't really CARE if anyone reads this, I am sloppy as hell with my what's it called….my structure…my…..what…you know…that word..what's that word…MECHANICS. There. Mechanics is the word I was looking for. I am glad I thought of it, or I would have been awake all night trying to think of it.

So anyhow. Filling Mom's basket with condoms. Good times. She freaked. Every.single.time. She still does to this day. Or the time I put a note on her windshield at school and told her I was a member of the basketball team and she had a fine ass and the entire basketball team was stalking her fine ass. And she believed it. Ohhhhh…Mom. Heh. What fun you are.
Currently listening:
One Love: The Very Best of Bob Marley & the Wailers
By Bob Marley & The Wailers
Release date: 22 May, 2001