January 25, 2005

ETA: The orthodontist in this story has since decided to run for Governor of Texas. Seriously. No shit. July 10, 2010


2005-01-25


Of teeth and Jesus
You know, people sometimes suggest that I make up stuff about my life. But I gotta tell you. I am NOT that talented. I couldn't MAKE this shit up if I tried.

So anyhow...here's a for instance.
First some background info.

My husband...Sanford...is insane. He is super into talking about religion with people. However, he isn't religious. He likes to debate. He is always researching and reading and trying to find what...I don't know....the TRUTH, I suppose. And he runs across some very interesting things in the process. But as I've told him, most people do not want their faith challenged. He invites Mormons to our house to chit chat for chrissakes.

So...two of our kids wear braces. What does that have to do with the price of gas, you ask? Plenty. Just keep reading. Our orthodontist has all these dinosaur fossils mounted on plaques all over the treatment room. Which we thought was fantastic since my son wants to be a Paleontologist. So we figured this was good for him...he'd be able to feel comfortable with the man who would have his hands in his mouth for the next 2 to 3 years, right?

Now, the orthodontist is VERY, VERY handsome. He's not HOT and he's not CUTE...he's HANDSOME. Like Cary Grant handsome. The times I've taken the kids to their appointments, the orthodontist does not speak to me. He speaks only to the kids and the assistant and he quickly does what he needs to do in their mouth, and moves on to the next patient. I thought that was great...right? Efficient, I could ogle him while he worked...we all got what we came for... but it sort of bothered me that he never even SPOKE to me. Not even a "Hello, ma'am" or a "How are you today?" or a "How is __________doing with his braces?" Nothing. Now, dammit...I'm the child's mother! I'm paying for these damned braces! And I'm a fine looking woman!
Anyhow, so I just chalked it up to him knowing he's gorgeous and he doesn't want to give any women the wrong idea and have them think he's flirting or something.

WhatEVer.

So, my husband takes the kids more often than I do, since he is Mr. Mom Sanford the Junkman. But when HE takes the kids, he comes home babbling incoherently about how the orthodontist and him have these engaging discussions about religion and shit.

What.the.hell?

I said, "He TALKS to you?"
Sanford said "Yeah. He's always prepared before I get there with printouts and stuff he's gotten ready for me so we can talk about stuff..."

I was dumbfounded. And I said "He won't even LOOK at me! Why won't he TALK TO ME? What makes YOU so special???" to which Sanford just smirked.

Then I said, "Oh no. You talk about Jesus and crap, don't you?"
Sanford: "Well...sorta..."
Me: "He is ultra religious.....isn't he?"
Sanford: "Well....yeah...."
Me: "So what's with the dinosaur fossils..."
Sanford: "He thinks they were in the Bible..."
Me: *eye rolling furiously..."oh puuuuh leeeze"
Sanford: "He's really pretty interesting to talk to..."
Me: "WELL, I would't KNOW considering he won't even look me in the EYE!"
Sanford: "Well, maybe he's shy"

Time goes on...I call Sanford on his cell in the middle of the day to see how the kid's orthodontist appointments went one day and he says "Oh they went GREAT! I'm on my way to Jason's Deli."
Me: "With who?"
Sanford:" The Orthodontist"
Me: "Wait. Hold up. YOu're going out to lunch with our kid's orthodontist?"
Sanford: "Yeah, we got really into this discussion about building the new Temple in Jerusalem and..."
Me: *holding the phone away from my ear and staring at it in horror*
"What, so you are like DATING the orthodontist?"
Sanford: "don't be SILLY! We're going to talk about this thing on this internet email group we're both on.."
Me: "YOU EMAIL EACH OTHER?"
Sanford: "Well, yeah..."
Me: *hang up phone and went shopping to console myself. Because I am Jewish and that is what I consider therapy. Neither Sanford NOR the orthodontist are Jewish so what do THEY even CARE about the new temple in Jerusalem ANYHOW?*

a couple of days ago...our daughter says :
"Did you tell Mom about the orthodontist?"

Me: "Oh God..what now?"

Sanford: "Oh, he thinks I'm a prophet."

Me: "Kick ASS! Tell him to refund us the cost of the braces!!!"
"Why does he think you are a prophet?"

Sanford:" I said some nut would come along claiming to be of the bloodline of Kind David and be the King of the Jews, and sure enough some nut did..."

Me: "That's been happening for ages, though.."

Sanford: "Yeah.."

Daughter: "Tell her what he SAID TO YOU."

Sanford: "Oh. He said God placed me in his life for a purpose."

Oh.my.God.

I said : "Yeah. And that purpose is to fix our kid's teeth FOR FREE. Tell him THAT."