October 19, 2005

2005-10-09

I don't want no monkey lovin'.

I do not like monkeys. I know, I know. That makes me prejudiced against monkeys. So be it, I say! So be it.

I have good reason. I have had a couple of run-ins with these minions of Satan in my adult life, and I think they are truly evil creatures. You may love them and want them released from animal testing facilities and all that, and that's fine. I don't think they should have to go through wearing blue eyeshadow and having to wear J.Lo's stinky ass perfume...but you know...take them back to Africa or India or wherever and let them out FAR away from me. And get the shitty products off them so they aren't made fun of by other monkeys, becuause they WILL be.

Okay. I usually don't have the strength to relive my traumas at the hands of monkeys, but I will try now.

The 1st trauma occurred at a pet store. I was taking my cat, Boo Radley(aka: the best cat in the world) to get his picture taken with Santa Clause. Yes, they had some dude who was SCARED of cats there and he would hold your cat WAYYYYY out from his body and mutter "take the picture, man..just take the damned picture..." and the cat would start wailing and hissing and trying to contort itself out of Santa's grip. Even Boo, who was docile and declawed. So, anyhow, a few days later, I had to go back to this place to pick up the pictures of my cat. My boyfriend and I walk in and there is a huge cage to the left of the door. There is some monkey like critter in there taunting people as they walk in. Throwing things and chattering and acting like he'd eat you if he could. There is a sign on his cage that says..."Do NOT FEED THE MONKEY". No problem. That's all it says. There is nothing else. The area isn't roped off, nothing. We are standing in line to pick up photos and the line snakes around the store right past the evil demon's cage, right? Okay, so we're standing there commenting on how evil the monkey seems and he keeps baring his teeth at us and all. I was standing maybe I don't know...6" from the cage. And I most definitely was NOT FEEDING THE MONKEY. That little fucker came at me SO GODDAMNED FAST, I still don't know how he did it. Anyhow, he came at me, reached through the bars of his cage and yanked my glasses off my face and took them into his cage with him. It happened so fast, it took me a second to realize my glasses weren't on my face. I sorta squealed because dude....This monkey was like coming after me. Then I realized I couldn't see a fucking thing. So me and my boyfriend are sorta like.."Dude...weird ass monkey...heheheh...." so my boyfriend goes and finds the manager while I wait in line and he brings him over. I nicely say, "your monkey just like grabbed my glasses right off my face so fast I never saw him coming! It was amazing!" and the manager (who was a dickhead) goes.."Uhhhh yeah...you shouldn't have been so close...huh...yer outta luck, dude...." and HE TURNS TO WALK AWAY. I freak. I say, "Oh HELL NO! come back here!" he turns around really bored and rolls his eyes and says "yes?" and I say..."YOu don't seem to understand. YOUR freakazoid possessed satanic simian has pilfered my GLASSES. You need to open that cage and get them back for me NOW. I cannot see to drive without them, and I need them. Now. Do it. Don't cop your "I'm the pet store manager" attitude with me. Just .get. my.glasses."
meanwhile the monkey is wearing the fucking glasses UPSIDE DOWN, chewing on them, slobbering on them and generally really inspecting them quite thoroughly.
Pet Store Manager Dude goes..."Uh, that's too bad. If I open that cage, he'll get out and I'll lose half the stuff in the store, you just lost those glasess."
So, I said, "Hang on a sec." and I dug in my purse, pulled out my uncle's card (he is a lawyer) and said, "See that dudes name? He's my lawyer. He's also my uncle. If you don't get my glasses out, I"LL OWN THIS STORE."
So, dude get this...dude sticks his hands through the cage bars and the monkey lays my glasses on his hands sweet as pie. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
I cusses him out some more and we left.

That was incident number one.

Incident number two.

A couple of months later, same boyfriend and I were at a zoo. It was getting close to closing time. We were making our way to the exit, but we were alone. Nobody around. And we are walking along the path talking. And the loudspeakers are saying, 'please make your way to the park exit, the park is closing, blah blah blah..." and it gets sorta eerie when you are like ALONE in a zoo. You start hearing all the animals. So, we're walking along and we're coming to a crossroads in the paths..and right in front of us this freaking MONKEY runs right in front of us....stops....looks at us, looks all around as if to see if he was being followed and then he took off again down the path that intersected ours.
No.Shit.

We sorta slowed down a little in our gait..but our speech never stopped. Then I said, "Hey, did you just see a monkey?" and my boyfriend said, "yeah". And we got real quiet as we walked along, only now I started walking like really fast, almost running. And I said, "Is that normal to see a monkey just like loose? He was just sorta loose and running around! That can't be right, can it?" and my boyfriend goes..."Oh yeah. It's fine. They let all the animals out when the park closes, we better hurry up before they let out the big cats..."
Being the gullible being that I am I freaked out to the largest possible degree and my track running skills showed themselves again. I was out of there in no time flat. I found the people at the entrance and said, "You people are insane! How could you let the animals out like that?" and one of them said, "Excuse me?" and I said, "That monkey running around scared me to death! What if it had been a jaquar or tiger?"
About that time my boyfriend walked up and he was laughing his ass off. But they zoo people were truly freaked out that a monkey had escaped. And the deal was, the monkey was running like he knew where he was going and he had a freaking PURPOSE.

Scared the shit out of me. Of course, they do NOT let the animals out. They assured me. I ended up marrying that boyfriend. What an ass he was.

There was one more monkey incident but I can't remember it now. I am almost positive I had 3 monkey incidents. But really, isn't 2 enough? Hell, isn't ONE enough?