March 12, 2007

March 12, 2007

The M is for McDonalds

Current mood: blah
So. Today I wasn't running a freakin' high assed fever. (I totally took like 5 minutes to remember how to spell "fever" just now. I seriously did. I'm a teacher, people. Holy crap. I wasn't going to tell that. Ever. Anyhow...do you ever forget how to spell random simple words? Me, too.) Anyhow, I am still occasionally coughing up sputum and mucus...like a gross old woman who chain-smokes...although I've never smoked. I might as well because I sound like I do. People hear me hacking and glare at me in a condemning fashion because I have children with me. I feel guilty.
ANYhow...so...we decide to go into the city near us because they have opened a new upscale shopping area that my Mother and I have been planning on pistol-whippin'. Of course, we have the added delight of my niece, nephew, my daughter, my two sons and my husband. What shopping delight!

So, we drive to my Mother's house which is like forEVer away from us. But I take my Ipod or iPOD or howEVer you spell it, and I plug it into my car and I get to listen to MY music and stand up comedy I've downloaded. Take THAT Sanford! No more of your wailing Wiccan/Celtic women. I am SO sick of that shit. Can I just share that, please? I am SO sick of wailing women wailing in Gaelic I could puke. I mean, yeah...I like it occasionally...I like almost all music. But he has a 12 CD changer in the damned vehicle and HE HASN'T CHANGED THE CD'S IN 8 FUCKING YEARS. So...I'm a little sick of it. At least he took out the CD he burned with the Socialist anthems. He thought I'd hate that and be offended, but I loved it. Too bad, so sad for you assmunch.

Anyhow, we let our boys stay at Grandma's house and play video games, which hacked off my 6 year old nephew. He wanted to stay, too. But 3 boys alone at the house...no way. We made him come with us. He wasn't pleased. Plus, he has to take motion sickness medicine wherever he goes. Then, my Mother loudly laments..."Where is MY CAT?!?!?!?!?"
Here's some background: Their house is sorta in the middle of NOWHERE. There are coyotes and crap out there. I told them when they had that house built that the cat was gonna end up as coyote chow. Did they listen? No. They did not. A year later, the cat is gone. The cat has been gone for over a month, and she is wringing her hands. "Where is Whiskers? Where can she be?"
Privately, I told Mom what we all know: Whiskers is now fertilizer.
However, since the kids were with us, I said, "Mother, remember? Whiskers is living at that farm and being a Barn cat? Remember?"
Mother: What? What are you talking about? I'm SO worried!!!!!
Me: MOTHER. REmember? Whiskers got a job at a farm, and is happy and chasing mice.
Mother: What on EARTH????Oh....OH! Yes! She took her purse and went and interviewed for that job! That's right!

So. Whatever chance the kids had of believing ole Whiskers was alive and well and killing mice on some farm....gone. Mother had to add crazy to it by giving Whiskers human characteristics. One kid is in 2nd grade, the other is in 1st grade and they never saw that damned cat carry a freakin' purse or drive anywhere or talk or anything. They DID see it lick it's ass and do cat-like stuff.

So, we go to the freakin' mall. I give my niece Nieman Marcus lessons. Before we walked it, I said, "Look at that sign. It says "Neiman Marcus. Remember that. Now, when we walk in, WORK IT, GIRL. You walk in like you OWN IT. Those people WORK FOR YOU." She was looking up at me squinting, then she pulled her underwear out of her butt. I said, "Got it?" she nodded in the affirmative and pushed her glasses up her nose. Then I said, "Let's do it, mama." So, we sashayed into Neimans. We let the rest of our party do whatever. I had to show my niece the ropes. I took her around. Showed her Chanel (always appropriate), we discussed Marc Jacobs; Gucci; Balenciaga and others. Then, I said, "Shoes." She said, "They're over dere." So I drug her over dere. She got her first look and touch of Blahnik. But she preferred a rather ick Stuart Weitzman that reminded me of The Cat in the Hat because it was red and white striped. My nephew threw himself on the large THING in the middle of the shoe dept. that had a large glass bowl with water in it with what looked like a cabbage in it. I said, "Dude, that has water in it..." he was laying there staring at the ceiling. He said, "I wont' move. I just don't want to walk around anymore."
So, then we decided to go eat. So we had to drive to the Cheesecake Factory. My nephew saw the picture of cheesecake and said, "Can we just have a snack here? I'll have this..." and pointed to the Godiva Cheesecake. Those kids are awesome. We had the most annoying waiter EVER.
And Cheesecake Factory needs to offer REGULAR ICED TEA FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS MURPHY.

Anyhow, my Mother has decided that the new Toll road is "nice", which means she'd do just fine in Chicago. She thinks it's "fun" to go through the toll booth. Which means she has officially lost her damned mind.

OH! While we were waiting for our food, she was telling us her palms were itching, so I told her it was from masturbating. I DID put my hand over my mouth so the kids couldn't see what I was saying. It got a DELICIOUS reaction from my Mother, of course. Worth a bazillion dollars! Then I said, "Oh Mother, you are such fun!"

It made the rest of the painful day worth it.

When we got back to her house, we were sitting there, and her front door opened and some strange little kid walked in. He came in the kitchen, walked up to me and he was drinking out of a McDonald's cup. He stopped slurping out of the straw, and said "THIS, " and he pointed to the "M" on the cup.."is for MCDONALDS". I said, "Ah." and then he turned and walked out of the kitchen and up my Mom's stairs. Total stranger. Does not live there. I've never seen him.
I said, "Whose that, Mom?"
She said, "Oh, that's _____"
and I said, "Um, where's he going?"
she said, 'Upstairs to play video games..."
I said, "None of the kids are up there...they are all outside.."
she said, "Yeah, he does that...and then when he has to go home, he cries."

Sure enough, his Mom sent his sister over to get him, and I went upstairs and said, "Hey, your Mom wants you to go home." He threw down the game controller and just busted out crying. I said, "Suck it up, man...you can come back sometime..."he just pushed past me and ran down the stairs howling.
Weird assed neighborhood.
Currently listening:
Disintegration
By The Cure
Release date: 01 May, 1989