October 30, 2004

2004-10-30
I'll be back in 5 minutes...
I have a message to the male nurse who gave me such craptastic care yesterday: BITE ME.

We went to the doctor YET AGAIN. So, he decides to hook me up to the freakin' nebulizer thing. AND to give me a shot in the ass with some antibiotic for pneumonia. Good thinkin' Einstein. Anyhow, so this dude comes in and tells me to drop my pants, then makes this very witty joke about how if he sees me in public he promises he won't say anything about having seen my ass.
To which I reply..."I don't give a rat's ass....just give me the shot..I figure you've seen everyone's butt. I won't feel like the lone ranger...."

So he gave me the shot after building it up to be the MOST painful experience I would ever have. Good lord. Who ARE the people who complain about that? I never felt it. Anyhow...then, he starts the nebulizer thingie. I start sucking on it like a bong, and he goes..."No, don't hold it in...you're acting like it's a bong..."

And I quickly look over at my COP husband Sanford...who lifts his very heavily browed eyes at me over his magazine...and I say..."WELL, LAST time, they said to hold it in...so the medicine could you know..."

and Dude nurse says..."no, just breathe in and out normally....I'll be back in (THIS IS IMPORTANT PAY ATTENTION TO THIS PART...) 5 minutes." Then he says ...."Oh, this medicine will make your heart race and may make you feel faint..." Now this is pretty important because my father had a heart transplant and my family has a pretty heavy history of heart problems.
And it's ALL IN THERE ON MY CHART OR WHATTHEFUCKEVER. So, it would beHOOVE..(heh..I said Behoove) that dude to return in 5 minutes to make sure I haven't you know...FUCKING DIED.


So, I start hitting the bong..I mean nebulizer. I finish it. I turn it off as I shake like a fucking leaf because that medicine makes your heart race which is you know...sorta not good for a person with a family who has hearts that don't work well.

So me and Sanford sit. And we wait. And I read People magazine. And I find myself actually getting pissed at stuff in People on behalf of Tatum O'Neal. I am sitting there getting really upset that she was treated so shabbily as a child....and I get ready to tell Sanford..."hey look at THIS!"
and he gets up and walks to the window.

He says: "There goes your doctor. He is getting into his pickup. He is now shutting the door. He his now backing out of his parking space. He has now driven away. How do you fucking like that?"

I say: "Get the fuck out." Sanford says: "Yep."

I say: "We have been sitting here for an hour. That is some bullshit."

(We tend to get foul mouthed when treated like DOG SHIT and when one or both of us is SICK.)

So, Sanford says..."Hit that fucking nurse call button....the emergency one..." I say.."NO! We CAN'T do that!"
and he says "Why not?"
and I say.."Because! It's against the RULES!"

Sanford says "What rules? I know it's not against any criminal code..."
I say "fuck your criminal code..your criminal code sucks ass.. come on...we're leaving...let's go..."
so I open the door, and we both stick our heads out into the hallway.

Then it struck me...we were acting as though we were fucking ESCAPING. We were being SNEAKY. But it was fun.
So, I went with it. I whispered..."There is not one single fucking person out here..we are totally alone!"
Sanford said.."Huh? I can't hear you."
I said.."shut up and follow me...stay low."
He said.."why?" I said "Just do it! For the love of God, Man!"

So, we enter the hallway, crouching down as if we were going to be shot at if we stood up. We go walking down this loooong hallway hugging the wall. It was sorta creepy because honest to God, there was not one single person around. There were open treatment room doors, and nobody was in any of them. Clearly, we had been totally forfuckinggotten. ASSHOLES.
So, we keep going. We hit a corner. I stop. Sanford bumps into me.
He says: "What the HELL are you DOING?" I say "SHH! Do you want to get us KILLED?" He says: "Oh.My.God. Are you pretend..."
I cut him off..."Shut UP! I'm gonna go across the hall...set up cover fire!"
Since he is also ex military..he sorta looked at me like I had lost it. He is SO NOT FUN sometimes.
So I run in a low crouch across the hall. Still. Nobody.
Sanford actually RUNS IN A LOW CROUCH AFTER ME.! YAY!
So, at that point I could see the lobby. I look over my shoulder at him..."We're almost home free!" He just looked at me. But, when I looked back at him, He was actually looking over HIS shoulder as if he was watching our backs for enemies! Kick ASS!

So, we made it safely to the lobby, where we promptly stood up, and sauntered over to the lady behind the desk...as if nothing had happened.
We are sooooo cool.

Then, I launched into my Jewish American Princess routine and got the dude nurse into major trouble. Asshole. dickhead. I left out the covert ops routine. Because they didn't need to know that. That is a "need to know" thing.
Currently listening:
Kung Fu Fighting
By Carl Douglas
Release date: 22 December, 1999