April 19, 2005

2005-04-19

The sex talk

You know those commercials that come on telling you that it's NEVER TOO EARLY TO START TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT... drugs, sex...whatever?

Well, I try to be a good, responsible and progressive parent. I have two kids in middle school and one still in elementary school. I freaked when they were toddlers and one kid would cut in front of them in line at the slide at the park, for Christ sake...I'm not really ready for heavy subjects like AIDS and drugs. But I am WOMAN!

So, the other night, my eldest son (who is going to be 13 in September) came in to the room and he showed me this book he had come across while rummaging through his bookshelves. It was a book I used to read to him every single night when he was little. It's about a monster who is afraid of little kids. So, we were sitting there sharing this great Mother/Son moment...and I thought..."Now. Do it now. He is sitting here...be a grown up! Talk about all the difficult stuff!"
So, I took a deep breath and I look at the side of my beloved baby man/child's face and I say:
(I'll put this like in a script/play form or whatever for easier reading)

Me: So...heh...how is everything? You know... everything?

Son: Good. Hey, remember this picture in the book? I remember that used to freak me out! Hehehe...yeahhhhhh.....

Me: Yeahhh....so...you realize that drugs are bad, right?

Son: Ummmm...yesssss...are we gonna have one of those talks again? Because you really don't need to d-

Me: Yes. We are. It's important. You realize that there is NO drug you can do that you can hide from me, right? I mean NO.DRUG. I can SENSE THEM ALL. ALL OF THEM. I MEAN...ALL.OF.THEM. Name the drug, I'll be able to tell. I'm totally serious, too. I'll beat you down if you do any drugs. Remember. I did them all, I can sense them all.

Son: *silence*

Me: I mean...I don't think you would do any drugs or anything. I think you are a totally GREAT kid, and I completely trust you. Completely.

Son: Mom. I know. I don't do any drugs. I wouldn't. I won't. Okay? Geez.

Me: Right. Exactly. Good. Because, seriously...if you do....

Son: *interrupting me* you'll beat me down...I know....I know.

Me: Good. *deep breath* Okay.

***silence*******

Me: Um, we've discussed sex before, right?

Son: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! YES, MOM! YES!

Me: Oh. Okay. What did I say? Because I want you to know that you should not be doing it yet. At all. I mean...you know. The personal alone thing...that's fine...but it's PRIVATE...

Son: MOM! STOP IT!

Me: What? What?

Son: Stop, please. I beg you.

Me: Oh! Yeah...I wanted to make sure you know...that..when you you know...get interested in dating and all that, and for the record, you are WAY too young for that right NOW..but when you ARE ready in a few years...even if for some wacky wild reason you were to discover that you would rather date BOYS...

Son: WHAT? MOM! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

Me: Nothing..I'm just saying, that even if you were not heterosexual that would be okay with us. Because we love you. And so...yeah. I hope you like girls, because well, that would just be easier...but you know...even if you didn't...no biggie....

Son: Have you lost your mind? Mom! I like girls, okay? OKAY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?

Me: I'm just letting you know that no matter what, I love you...even if you were say...a murderer...I'd love you. No matter what.

Son: You are equating murder with being homosexual?!?

Me: NO!!!! No! I didn't say that! That isn't what I'm saying! Do not put words in my mouth! I never said any such thing!

Son: I think maybe we've talked enough for one night...

Me: Yes. Well. No drugs. No drinking. No sex. I'll beat you down.

Son: Okay.

Me: I love you.

Son: I love you, too.