August 3, 2007

August 03, 2007

Here Comes Bob!

So, today Sanford and I went to Ikea to get some stuff for my work. Anyhow, once you are in THAT place, it's like a maze. Like Harrod's was only with a Scandinavian feel. So, I find the PERFECT area rug I want, and damned if the Ikea near us doesn't have it. Dipshits. It looks like the labyrinth at Chartres in France. And one of the posters I put up every year is a picture of the Chartres labyrinth and it says "Start Where You Are"...and so...yeah. So...I got a big assed plain red area rug...it will be fine, but I really liked that other one. And I got some other crap I probably won't need, but seemed nifty.

Then...when I got home I went online to their site, and there is that labyrinth rug! Only guess what..you can't buy it online. You can only go buy it at their stores...so it says to check a location to see if they have it in stock. I check the location near me...no....they don't have it. No shit. So, I check .....ohhhhhh the next nearest one...which is Houston. Which is not close to me, but is in the same state. They don't have it. I check every Texas location. No Texas location has it. So we can just suck it.
So, Sanford goes: "Hey...check San Diego." I said, "Why?" He said, "I bet NOBODY HAS THAT FREAKIN' RUG." I thought: "He's probably RIGHT!" So, I started checking locations.....I finally found one...in Schaumburg, Illinois. Which pissed me RIGHT off.
So, then Sanford said, "Hey...so they should SEND the one in Illinois to OUR Ikea so we can go buy it. Right?"

Right. That makes sense. Yes? Yes. So, I start looking around for a way to request this service. I go to their online help lady. She is freaky as hell. Her name is "Anna". She was no goddamned help, I'll tell you that right now. She made inappropriate faces at me as I typed questions and ended up sending me to pages about how freakin' easy it is to assemble Ikea furniture. Great...thanks, Anna. Go back to suckin' on the Vodka, now. Sorry to have disturbed you. I click on "Customer Service", I get their effin' "FAQs" again. I click on "FAQs" I get the damned "FAQs". I actually DID read the "FAQs" and NO..none of them were my question. So, Sanford is sitting there telling me: "Click there..no there...ugh...not THERE...there!" and I finally told him, "You are exceptionally annoying right now..plus it smells like something is dead in your mouth...please go away before I get testy."
So, by the time I found the mother effin' phone number to the actual physical STORE...I decided that rug sucks ass and I do NOT want it anymore. Thank you, but no thank you Ikea and I don't care if I never see sleek, modular shelving that appears to be floating in the air or umlauts ever again.

BUT! There is a PLUS to all of this!!! Even thought I woke up and got dressed and left my bed for naught today.....and I was polite and did not harm anyone.....and it got me absolutely NOWHERE.....AND...AND...I did the effin' goddamned DRIVING!!!!!!!! Even though all of that .......

As we rounded one of the corners in our subdivision...I see this big panel van parked on the street....it was black. On the front on top in bright yellow letters...it said,

"HERE COMES BOB!" Since I was driving, I could sit at the stop sign and stare at that as long as I wanted to. There was nobody behind me or anything, so don't say.."But what about the people behind you?" Plus, they could have just sucked it, anyhow. But I was sitting there, and I see this van, and Sanford is sitting in the passenger seat and he is babbling on about some random crap...(remind me to tell you about the Otter stuff...) and so I interrupt and holler, "HERE COMES BOB!" and Sanford stops and looks and goes.."Oh yeah...THAT guy.....he lived near me YEARS ago...over on...blah blah blah blah blah....wah wah wah...."

and then I notice on the front bumper in bright yellow....Oh this is DELIGHTFUL, people.....simply SCRUMPTIOUS....
in bright yellow letters...on the front bumper under the grill...it says....."GLASS ON WHEELS". allow me to just sit here a moment and relive the joy.......

Sanford is still monotonously talking like the grownups in Charlie Brown cartoons...and I holler..."GLASS ON WHEELS! Are you kidding ME?!?!?! I am going to get some black paint! You said you know where Bob lives? Kick Ass! I am going to paint out the "G" and the "L" in the word "Glass"....oh yes! Sometimes God smiles on me! Times like this....can't you feel Him just enfolding us in His arms? He just gave us a little kiss on the head!" So...since I'm still sitting at the stop sign and planning on an evening of light vandalism...Sanford says..."You are NOT going to paint Bob's van!"
Me: What, he sells glass..huh? Glass on wheels! Not for long! He's gonna be ASS on wheels....hehehehheheh...

So, as we drive past Bob's van...Sanford is severely berating me...and telling me how he won't allow me to do that, and do I realize it's illegal and it would be not only vandalism but trespassing, blah blah and legal sounding crap....once a cop always a cop...whatEVer....he gave me the Texas Criminal code violations like he did when I showed our daughter how to make prank phone calls. SO no fun. So, he won't tell me where Bob LIVES. Evidently, Bob keeps his van at HOME. Because he caught me looking up glass companies in the phone book. I didn't get the name of Bob's company, but I can tell you that it isn't "Glass on Wheels". I checked.