April 4, 2005

2005-04-04

One love

I see all sorts of weird ass shit. And then when I tell people about it, they don't believe me. But I couldn't MAKE this shit up some of it.

For instance....the other day, we were in traffic, and I look out the window and there is this dude just doing push ups under the overpass of the freeway. All by himself. Just goin' after it. Doing pushups. I saw it and I thought to myself..."there's one of those random weird things people won't believe I saw..." so I turned to my daughter in the back seat..and I said, "That dude was TOTALLY doing pushups, did you see him?"
and she laughed and said, "Yeah. I only see that sort of stuff when I'm with you, though...."

Okay. That's fair enough. But I got a WITNESS that was the point.

The other day, Sanford and I are driving along and we pass a hotel parking lot. It has some charter buses parked there. And they all have the name of the company emblazoned on the side of the bus, right? Okay. So...usually these type of buses have high school sports teams or drama clubs or whatever on them travelling to compete for championships or whatever. I remember when I was in high school, and our football team (I am from West Texas so it was like that movie "Friday Night Lights") was going to a game, we chartered buses like that. And our bus had a very vague nondescript series of letters on it..like "XYZ Line". It meant nothing. Wasn't embarrassing, wasn't anything.

Well. This bus in the parking lot of this hotel said "LAMERS" in bright red letters. "LAMERS". Come ON. That's awful. Who would get on a bus that said "LAMERS"? Do you feel triumphant or even HOPEFUL driving to your game? Do you arrive with victory coursing through your veins?

HELL NO. Because you are the "LAMERS". If I were Mr. Lamer, and I owned a bus company, I would put a different freakin' word on the side of the bus. Because come on. The only thing worse would be if it said "LOSERS".

I saw a truck in traffic the other day, too. And it really disturbed me. It was a truck for a plumbing company. And the name of the company was written on the side of the truck so that one could see it and if by chance one was ever in need of plumbing services, one would remember this company and call. But with a name like "Number Two Plumbing"...

I mean, I don't know if they are right behind the number ONE company in town or if they are making a play on the use of "Number one" for pee and "Number two" for poop thing...but that is an AWFUL HORRID name for a plumbing company! I mean, right? Isn't it? Am I alone in thinking this? I sit and talk about this to Sanford while he is driving but he is deaf as a post and doesn't hear me.

This annoyed the shit out of me....we were on "Spring Break". We went to a coastal city. It isn't an inexpensive place to visit, either. One day, while we were in the shopping district, my daughter and I were in one of the shops that sells items that are supposed to put one in mind of Jamaica...it has lots of Bob Marley merchandise, lots of stuff with silhouettes of rasta dudes on it...tshirts with sayings on them about peace and stuff. Really gorgeous gauze clothes, straw hats, jewelry..and none of it cheap. Anyhow, we were in there and I was deciding between two knit "bob marley" type hats with the colors of the Jamaican flag for myself. I was trying them on, and looking in a mirror. My daughter was being mortified nearby. These kids..maybe..sayyyyy 20 years old come in..a guy and a girl. They sort of slink around for a minute. They pick up stuff, put stuff down after looking at the price tags....this place doesn't have you know $5 tshirts like the shops down by the beach....anyhow...the guy working behind the counter was African American. As I was getting ready to pay for my hat, this guy walks up to him and goes..."is this a head shop?"
Cashier dude looks at me, I look at cashier dude. I snorted. I do that when I laugh. I can't help it.
Cashier dude looks like he probably goes to Yale or something. I think I could beat his ass.
He looks at the guy and said "Excuse me?" and the guy goes..."Is this you know.....a head shop?"
I was standing there snorting and looking at the "head shop" guy with my mouth open. His girlfriend was hanging back literally peeking at us all from between the legs of a mannequin wearing really CUTE gauze capri pants.
Cashier dude goes.."um, I'm not sure I understand..."
So I said, "He wants to know if this is a head shop..you know...NO..it's not...it's a clothing store.."
so "Head shop" dude looks me up and down and says "Where are the head shops?"
Evidently I look like I frequent head shops. I said, "Um, well..." and while this was going on, cashier dude and I were conducting our business..he was quietly saying "that will be 54.00, please" and I was handing him my credit card, he was handing me the slip to sign and I was putting my stuff back in my Coach bag...

I said "I don't really know where they are here....I don't live here...."
and I looked at cashier guy...and he says "What's.a.HEAD.SHOP."

In the background you can hear steel drums and Bob Marley singing "One love...."and this totally, totally ruined "head shop" guy's day. He looked like he'd been shot. He looked over his shoulder at his woman who was now standing openly with her mouth hanging open staring at cashier dude in mute stupefaction.

Then Cashier guy offered them his yellow pages and I took my purchases and left. But what bothered me..was they assumed that dude would know where a head shop was.
I don't care that they assumed I would. My husband the cop wasn't with me, what did I care? I put on my Jamaican knit cap and was happy as a clam. But geez.