March 17, 2007

March 17, 2007

Pissed off

So, my Spring Break is pretty much over. I didn't do anything productive. Except, yesterday I did clean my closet out and donated a bunch of clothes to Goodwill. Big whoop. I'm pissed because I didn't do something wild and spontaneous like fly to Vegas or something. I was too tired. I would have had to put clothes on to do that. Not happening.

Okay, so we're going to England in July. So, my Mom keeps asking me dumbass questions like: "Who am I sitting next to on the plane?"

Shit, I do not care. I will sit amidst total strangers. Hell, I'd PREFER that. All 3 of the kids have begged to NOT sit next to Grandma on the plane. She will nag them and bother them the entire trip. She is seriously buying these crazy assed seat covers that cover the ENTIRE plane seat to protect everyone from freakin' LICE. She has a louse phobia. They sell them through TravelSmith, and I am sure we will be the most popular assholes on the plane as we hold up everyone as Mom wrestles with the dipshit seat covers that have to be fitted over the seats. She carries paper towel rolls in her purse to the movies so she can make anti-macassars for the movie theater seats so as to prevent getting lice from movie theater seats.

She has the quads of a power lifter because she NEVER sits on a public toilet seat. She squats and hovers over it. Not me. I sit my ass on it. I've never caught anything yet. And I've used some nasty ass public restrooms in my day, too. And guess what? I didn't always wash my damned hands, either. And I didn't always have antibacterial gel! (I take medicine now that allows me to be so very cavalier about such things...I used to carry a spray bottle of Lysol with me everywhere in addition to germ gel and disposal toilet seat covers. Thanks to Prozac, I'm free!)

Anyhow, clearly she is going to be a pain in the ass to travel with. So, I'm pissed anticipating that.

We have two more rounds of state mandated testing to go through. I'm way pissed about that.

Menstruation is a bitch. Don't let anyone tell you any different. If some Wiccan chick tells you it's empowering and she saves her monthly flow in a jar because of it's powerful properties, she is fucking with you. It's not empowering. It's a pain in the ass. I could do without it. Gladly. I'm pissed off about it right now.

EViDENTly, once you hit 40, your gynecologist sends you little birthday cards that say: "Happy Birthday! Come get your boobs squished!" which is always festive.
Now, I have mammograms to worry about. FABULOUS. And our state is trying to force my daughter to get HPV shots. LOVELY. Should I get one? I don't KNOW! I don't KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THE STUPID THING! I'm DREADING THE MAMMOGRAM!
As if a yearly pelvic exam isn't debasing and dehumanizing ENOUGH..let's add a good boob flattening to it just for the hell of it. Let's add small talk with a virtual stranger while you're almost naked to ANOTHER impossible situation.


Meh. I'd have a drink, but it would make me bloat. Shit!
Currently reading:
Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood
By Koren Zailckas
Release date: 31 January, 2006