August 26, 2007

August 26, 2007

Otters

Okay, so awhile back I said "Remind me to tell you about Sanford and the Otters...". But of course since nobody reads this, and it's basically my private diary of obsessive/compulsive thoughts and stream of concisousness....nobody reminded me.

But here is the Sanford/Otter story. We were in a family group therapy session for one of our kids. (separation issues) and the therapist was asking us to all pick a mammal we would be other than a human if we could be any other mammal. Well, I picked an Otter. I love Otters. It just flew out of my mouth before I really had a chance to think, really. But sometimes I think that gives the most honest answer. She asked why....why an Otter? And I said because they are relaxed and playful and seem to just do nothing but swim around and float on their back and eat shellfish. Seems like a good life to me. No responsibilities....nobody expects much of them...nobody yelling at them...just water and food and sleep and play. And they are cute! So....later on...Sanford asked me about it...and I was telling him how much I liked Otters. (I sound totally mentally defiicient right now, I know...but suck it.) And then it occurred to me....Otters live in cold water, yes? Well...that fucks that all up. I do not like to be cold. I LOVE the ocean. The beach...the water. The sand, the sun...but I'm not a cold person. I'm a beach person, but not a cold wet person. Couldn't handle that. It made me uncomfortable and agitated just THINKING about living in cold river water and hanging out on cold wet rocks and getting frozen fish to eat and shit. So, I said, "Well...then an otter that lives in the ocean..."

And then it happened. Sanford did what he does...he began spouting forth FACTS about Otters. I mean..weird assed little known facts about them that most people would never know unless they were ...you know....OTTER KEEPERS at an Aquarium or Zoo or something.

Me: Wait...Otters live where it's cold...huh? Oh...no...I don't like that....

Sanford...Well, actually Otters have a protective layer of fur and blubber much like a whale and therefore...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ...

Me: What?

Sanford: Well, otters are a mammal that blah blah blah blah blah .....

Me: stunned silence.

Sanford: Still blah blah blahing about otters.

Me: Where did you learn all this stuff about Otters for christ's sake?

Sanford: Huh? Oh, I suppose I saw it on a nature program or read it... and as I was saying, their diets are rich in ..blah blah blahblahblah predatoryblahblabblahblabhlbahblabhalbhablahlalllAAAARRGGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!


WTF? You can name ANY subject....with the exception of popular culture and he will just sit and babble on and on about it.

Me: Do you think Jesus ever had an Otter?

Sanford: What? Jesus? Otters?
Me: Yeah. You know everything about Jesus. And evidently EVERYTHING about fucking Otters, too....did he like Otters?
Sanford: What are you talking about? Otters aren't in the Middle East....
Me: Prove it.
Sanford: What?
Me: Maybe Buddha liked Otters. What about that? Did he?
Sanford: Huh?
Me: Joseph Smith? He might have married one.
Sanford:.......
Me: Mohammed? What were his views on Otters?
Sanford: I don't..
Me: Shut up. You need a hobby or a job. I forbid you to be retired anymore.


I will have you know that RIGHT NOW he is on YouTube watching Mormon crap!