February 6, 2005

2005-02-06

A relaxing afternoon pedicure

I took my Mom with me to get a pedicure. I'd like to thank all of you bastards for not stopping me. Thanks a whole hell of a lot. God, that was a little piece of hell I won't soon repeat.

We walk into the nail place. And you know, as soon as you walk in, a person with a surgical mask on screams at you in some Asian accented voice..."What you wan'????!" I screamed back..."Two pedicures!" I couldn't tell which masked face I was addressing, so I just screamed it to the room at large.

So, one of the masked people gesticulated at the wall of pedicure whirlpool chairs and somehow let us know we were to go claim our chair. So, I steered my Mother over to the chairs. There was one woman getting serviced, and I steered my Mom to the chair next to her. My Mom and I are both short. So, getting into one of those chairs is like rock climbing. We need to strap on gear and special shoes and have someone spot us. Anyhow...I pushed her ass up there, and got her in the chair safely, and turned on the massage thing.

The entire time I am getting her situated, she is babbling incoherently.

It goes something like this:
"What did that person with the mask say? How can you understand them? What? Where are we going? Now, I saw a news program where they showed these places and they aren't very clean..."

*allow me to break into her incessant rambling for a moment to inform you that my Mother has a very shrill, very LOUD voice. She is one of 9 children. And she is half Spaniard. So. They are loud.*

Back to the conversation.
"they aren't very clean...how do you know you won't get that flesh eating virus? I don't want my flesh rotting off! what are these odd chairs? What? why are you pushing me? Huh? Oh...okay...you don't have to push so HARD! what? okay...oh..OH! this is very high! I'm very petite, you know! Oh, my feet don't even reach into that tub! Is that tub clean? I don't think it looks very clean! Did they clean it after the last person? What do they use to clean it? What are you doing? Oh, thank you...(I was taking off her tennis shoes and socks..and judging from her deeesgustin' toenails..she had NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT FROM THE CONDITION OF THE TUB.) Oh, hello!"

Okay, here she started freakin' TALKING TO THE WOMAN NEXT TO HER. Now, people don't wanna chit chat when they are relaxing. I don't know what the fuck got into her, but she became little Miss Chit Chat. Meanwhile, I was climbing into the chair next to her.

A masked woman hollered at my Mom. My Mom was oblivious. My Mom is too busy making the lady next to her regret waking up that morning...."you know, I don't usually get this done...I'm doing this for my daughter...she does it all the time......this is my daughter .....I don't live here..I live in___________.I guess I should get this done more often, though. It's nice to treat yourself, isn't it? Do you get this done often? Is your water warm? Oh! She is using that thing to shave the skin off your feet! Did you see the news report about these places? The germs that can be on that razor...." Here I reached over and grabbed her and said :

"Hey, Mom...that chick told you to turn on your water...."

"What? Do it MYSELF? Just TURN IT ON?"

"Yeah. Right there. Turn it on."

"Are you SURE?"

"Yeah. Go ahead. And leave that poor woman alone to enjoy her pedicure."

"Well, okay...let's see here....."

She managed to get her water on. Meanwhile, the woman had started my pedicure. Mother was intently watching ever single move the woman made on my feet. And asking me questions. "does that hurt?" "What's that for?"
"Oh my GOD! What is THAT for?"

So, her feet are now submerged in warm water bubbling away. She is sitting there perched on the edge of her massage chair because she is too short to lean back and still have her feet in the water. She is wiggling her feet around.
Her pedicure lady walks up. She motions for my Mom to lift a foot out and put it on the footrest. She says "Yewwanmecutdownnails?"
My Mom just blinked at her. I said, "She wants to know... Yes...yes..cut them down...."
Mother said "what is she going to do?"
I said, 'Your toenails are so funky she can't just file them...she has to cut them....then file them..."
When it came time to get the old skin off her heels, she felt the need to loudly tell everyone in the shop.."I wear house slippers all the time! That's why I have dead skin on my heels! Would you look at that! That's amazing! My goodness! They didn't get that much off my daughter's feet. But then she does this quite often....maybe I should do it more often..."

When she was finished and she was over letting her polish dry...she began looking at the wall with the airbrush examples on display. All the green and orange and purple nails with various seascapes and trees that can be airbrushed on such a tiny surface had her absolutely astounded. She turned to the young girl next to her and said, "Well my God! Who on Earth would want something as tacky as green nails??"
I groaned as I looked at the girl's hands. Sure enough. Long bright neon green nails. Then my Mom saw them and said, "Well, your nails certainly are pretty! Why you even have the entire American flag on your thumb! How do they do that? Is that done freehand?"

As we drove away a few minutes later, she informed me that she was going to begin getting regular pedicures near her home. But she was going to make sure they massaged her feet and legs for a long time.

I felt lucky to have escaped in one piece. And I'm now scouting out a new nail salon.