June 5, 2007

June 05, 2007

Packing

So, I just had to pack. When I pack, I don't just pack for myself. I have to pack for the kids, and then to make sure Sanford hasn't forgotten something essential like....clothing...I have to check his packing. I hate to pack. It's almost enough to make me not travel.

I was getting stuff ready this morning to pack for my two boys and I told them, "Go get all of your shorts and shirts and underwear so I can pack them.." about ...ohhhhhhh I don't know an hour later, after I had to go hunt them down, they present themselves to me with a grand total of 2 pair of shorts and 3 shirts and 1 pair of underwear BETWEEN THEM.

Me: What the hell?

Boys: *shrug*

Me: Where are y'alls clothes?

Boy 1: I don't have any.

Boy 2: I don't know where mine are.

Me: *silence because I was attempting to not wig out*

Now, I do laundry. All the effin' time. I fold clothes and give them to their owners to put away. Daily. I may not cook, I may not clean..yes I'm spoiled. I have maids...but I do laundry. I also shop. I know that these people have clothing. Lots of it.

I took a few deep, cleansing, Yogic breaths and said:

Me: Bullcrap...go get your stuff or I'll go get it and you won't like it if I go in your rooms and start looking for stuff.

Both boys: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! MOM! Please!

Me: *through clenched teeth* THEN.GO.GET.YOUR.THINGS.

They scurry off to do my bidding. Meanwhile, I go get a load of laundry out to fold, switch clothes from washer to dryer, put a new load in the washer and come back to fold. The boys reappear. Sans clothing, I might add.

Me: *furiously folding towels* Where.Are.Your.Clothes?

Boy 1: I'll handle this...

Me: I'm gonna handle both of y'all in about two seconds...

Boy 2: Mom, mom....listen....

Me: I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna throw everything you own out...INCLUDING ALL VIDEO GAME SYSTEMS AND COMPUTERS....and...

Both: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! *scurry scurry*

I get towels put away and they both come back looking terrified and helpless.

Me: THAT'S IT! I go stomping through the house into the youngest boy's room. Don't feel sorry for him, he's 11 years old. I start picking up random pieces of clothing on his floor and yelling and hollering. At my order, her got a trash bag to begin a bag of clothing that no longer fits for Goodwill, and then we started a new pile of stuff so dusty and icky that it needed laundering AGAIN. I was hollering and berating the whole time. He was happy as hell saying stuff like.."OH! That's where that was!" My husband is standing in the door glowering at him. (but not helping..) The oldest boy seeing that I was fed up has disappeared into his cave to find his clothes and clean his room...FINALLY.

Here is what I found in my youngest's room:

1. Size 2T underpants. (Remember he is 11 and huge. He wears a men's size 32 waist pants)

2. His 1st two years of Tball shirts. He wants to keep using them as nightshirts. He weights well over 100 pounds. These are shirts for 5 year olds.

3. PROBABLY 20 PAIR OF SOCKS. Every morning during school, he'd come in and say, "I don't have any clean socks!" I bought new socks every damned week, I swear. ALL OF THE SOCKS I FOUND WERE CLEAN AND BRAND NEW.

Little turd. I didn't find a little turd, although that wouldn't have surprised me.

4.Wrappings, boxes, plastic from various toys...in other words...TRASH.

5. His mattress pad. Stuffed in a toy box. I sniffed it. No weird smell. I have a blacklight to check for dog pee. I turned off his lights and swept it over the mattress pad. No stains. So, no reason for him to just rip that sucker off and hide it. Plus, I am very candid with my kids and both boys know if they ever wake up with wet sheets, just yank them off and put them in the laundry and there will be no questions asked. SO NO EXCUSE FOR A MATTRESS PAD IN THE TOY BOX. He is just a slob.

I have raised a slob. God help me.

So, then after all this is done, we see that Son #2 has more than enough clothes, but oldest son doesn't because his school wears uniforms. So, off we fly to by a bunch of shorts and shirts. But he doesn't want to go, because he really and truly does not give a rat's ass what he wears. So, now I'm back, and they are packed and I have to turn them over to the sperm donor asshat sphincter in a few days. I hate him.

And he won't even make sure they CHANGE THEIR CLOTHES. Much less brush their teeth. And my oldest son just got his braces off and let me tell you...that is one gorgeous kid. Well, they are both gorgeous, but that smile on the oldest one...WOWZA.

I hate packing.
Currently listening:
The Beatles' Greatest Hits
By John & Paul McCartney Lennon
Release date: 15 February, 1995