January 31, 2005

2005-01-31

Besame Mucho

Okay, I'm going to tell some stuff my kids have said:

We were eating at one of those chain restaurants that have commercials with maniacally gleeful people throwing their food at each other and quaffing drinks and sloshing the expensive alcohol in the process...only we were sitting in the boring area where that never happens.

So, we're sitting there...Sanford, me, and our 3 kids. Two of whom (which? I don't give a shit right now..)are in middle school and wish they had hatched instead of being saddled with horrible parents and a younger sibling who embarrasses them by drawing breath.

Youngest boy child(8 years old):
"Mom, what is French kissing?"

Both middle school kids: "OMMIGAWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! AAAAARRRGHHH!!!!!!! GOOOOOOD! CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM?"

Sanford: *smirk* "growl, snort, snarl" (he was eating, you see...)

Me: "Hmmm? French kissing?" (inside I was shrieking in horror but thinking, okay you are supposed to deal with this calmly and honestly..like you did when the older boy wanted to see the hole babies come out of...stay cool...)

Young lad: "Yeah...French kissing..what is it..."

Me: "It's kissing grown ups do..you don't need to worry about it." (I just got an "F" in progressive parenting...)

Young boy child: "Yeah, but what IS it?"

Me: "Oh FINE!*slamming down fork* IT'S WHEN YOU STICK YOUR TONGUE IN EACH OTHER'S MOUTH WHEN YOU KISS, OKAY? HAPPY NOW?"

Waitress backs slowly away from table with infernal pitcher of tea.....

Son: "OHMYGOD! HOW GROSS!!!HOW DISGUSTING!!! WHO WOULD DO THAT? THAT IS AWFUL!!!!YOUR TONGUE?!?!? EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!giggles..."

*two preteen children are now slumped down in their seats trying in vain to kill themselves with butter knives*

Me: "Yes, pretty deeeeesgustin' eh? Hunh! by the way, thanks for the help, Sanford..."

Sanford: "chomp chomp heh heh!"

Darling boy child: "Can I kiss YOU like that, Mom?"

silence. Time stood still.

Suddently time sped up.

Me:*screeching* "NO! YOU CANNOT EVER,(fist pounding table with each word) EVER,(fist pound) EVER,(fist pound) EVER,(fist pound) KISS ANYONE(fist pound) YOU ARE RELATED(fist pound) TO LIKE THAT EVER!!!!(fist pound) NEVER!(fist pound) DO(fist) YOU(fist) HEAR(fist) ME!(fist) NO FRENCH KISSING RELATIVES!!(two fists) DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?(doubt fist pound) EVER!(open palm slap on table)YOU WILL GO TO HELL(fist pound) IF YOU DO THAT!"

Sanford: mouth dropped open and food fell out.

Other two children: offered me their butter knives...

Patrons at the bar were ordering drinks for me....I was hyperventilating....the waitress was about to offer a pitcher of ice water to stick my face in.


Very uncool. Very unprogressive.

Curious youngest male child who posed question: "Okay. Can I get some more Sprite?"

Me: *deep breath * "sure...um..yes."


I think I blew the "Mother of the Year" award.