June 2, 2007

June 02, 2007

Evil tidings from Conglomo Mart

Hey. Guess what? I watched "Smokin' Aces". I've seen that damned movie. But only parts. I must have fallen asleep and then woken up and watched parts and then gone back to sleep because the stupid assed movie SUCKED ASS.

Today, we needed to go get some junk for my kid's impending trip to see the man who actually contributed the sperm that resulted in these outlandishly wondrous human beings who are my sons. Thank GOD they bear absolutely NO resemblance to the Sphincter. Believe me, I get down on my knees daily and give thanks.
Anyhow, it's time for their yearly trip to go do whatever it is that Jackhole does with him up North where the Asshat lives. So, I proposed that we wait until tomorrow to go, but Sanford said, "let's go now..Walmart is open 24 hours a day!" *Remember that this is not always a plus..weird assed jackoffs shop at strange hours*

So, we go to get a few things the boys need for their trip. While we're there, I say, "Hey, Miller just came out with a new beer that's supposed to be like a Chelada! Ima go see if they have it!" and I limp/scurried back to the beer section to see if they did. Sanford followed me saying "huh?" As I was attempting to explain the wonders of an icy cold concoction of Mexican beer with lime juice and salt....I come upon the Miller dude..he is stocking the case and I say..."Hey! They have it!" and I grab a 6 pack and put it in our cart...we start to walk off and the Miller dude says, "You want more?" and I say "Excuse me?" and he says, "I have more! It's brand new and I can't keep the stores stocked! But you're lucky! I have a lot right now!" And he smiles this really happy smile. I said, "Um, no...just the one will be fine..but thanks!" and I turned to walk away AGAIN...*remember I'm not a small talker....*
So, he says..."Just a hint....." and so I turn BACK to him and I stop and smile....and he says.."You gotta get the beer COLD....really, really..ummmm...cold."
I was just standing there. I said, "Cold. Right. Got it. Thanks!" And I turned around to leave yet again...Sanford had booked it already to go get coffee creamer. So, I'm left alone to make small talk with the beer dude. And beer dude evidently is one lonely man. Because he stops me yet again to make sure I realize that cold is the opposite of hot. Cold means icy. Put it in the refrigerator..make it NOT HOT. I seriously think he may have been sampling the product.

So, I finally get back to Sanford who had wandered way the fuck far away. I could get kidnapped and he would never notice...I swear. We go to checkout. He chooses a lane that is so fucking crowded, that there is NO way he is going to get the cart down that little gauntlet of people and carts and magazine displays and crap without A: hitting someone or B: knocking some shit down.
So, he plows his ass right on ahead. Sure enough, he hits this woman....and he is muttering, "Scuse me, scuse me, scuse me..." just sort of randomly...and the woman he hit was with another woman and her friend is grabbing her saying, "For God's sake, git out the way, girl!" and I'm coming behind him saying, "Oh, my God, I am SO SORRY!" and I'm poking him and saying, "Stop it!" so after he hits this woman, he hits the display of the stupid assed Farmer's Almanac and knocks it OFF THE BASE OF IT'S DISPLAY scattering fucking Farmer's Almanacs from here to fucking Georgia and I live nowhere near Georgia, people.
So, he struts his ass up to the checkout , and as he does, I walk up behind him and I am looking at the cashier because I know that if the cashier looks dead, chances are I'm going to be there awhile. Well, I also was chastising him for causing bodily harm and property destruction on his way to the fucking checkout....the lady he rammed came (and I'm not making this shit up...)LIMPING past us, and I whispered to him, "Look! Look at that! She is either disabled or you MADE HER LIMP, YOU ASSHAT!"
He.did.not.even.care. He fucking SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS! Can you even believe that?

I was absolutely flabbergasted. So, back to the cashier he was so EAGER TO REACH. She is punching the buttons on her computer...and the customer is punching the buttons on the credit card scanner thing. They are both actually HITTING the buttons exceptionally hard and they are both talking to each other through gritted teeth. This is what they are saying:

Cashier: stop pushing those buttons..*punch*
Customer: YOU stop pushing buttons!*punch*
Cashier: i'm telling you, if you don't stop, you'll freeze up the machine!*punch*
Customer: stop pushing the buttons!*punch*
Cashier: YOU stop pushing the buttons!*punch*

Me: *snort* THIS is the best line in the store.....great choice, man.

Sanford: WHAT? HUH? *he's deaf*

Cashier: *flipping the light switch on her light pole* Well, now it's frozen! It's FROZEN....*looking at me* IT'S FROZEN! YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE!

Me: I'm not moving. We already unloaded all our stuff...unfreeze the thing!
Customer: Can't you just turn it off and then turn it back on?
Me: Yeah...like is it broken FOREVER? Nobody can ever use it ever again?
Lady who had just rolled up behind us: ARE YOU GOING TO ACCOMODATE US? THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW! WHO IS GOING TO ACCOMODATE US!

Sanford: HUH? ACCLIMATE?
Me: Nevermind...Listen, can't you just reboot the stupid computer or whatever?
Lady behind me: I know I'm not carrying all these groceries anywhere else!
Customer: This is RIDICULOUS!
Customer's surly teenaged daughter: This FRICKIN' LADY IS A BITCH! (referring to cashier) although I agreed with her I was appalled her mother didn't drop kick her right there.

So, they finally moved all of us to REGISTER 18! REGISTER 18, PEOPLE! And I told them they would have to put all of my stuff back in my cart and MOVE MY CART and UNLOAD MY CART . So they did because I had the most unstable man on the planet with me. The little lady who was behind me was accomodated, as well. I told them, "YOU BETTER ACCOMODATE HER, TOO!" and she said, "I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!"
And I'd be willing to bet that before we had even walked out the door...the original cash register was back up and running, and that all they did was turn it off and on. Dumbasses. I hate that place. HATE IT.


And oh, hey...while I'm thinking about it...does your Ipod ever just go wild and refuse to play certain songs? Like you put it on Shuffle and it will shuffle for like 30 seconds and then play only some songs, but won't play others? And you have to hook it back up to your computer for it to like reset or something?
Yeah. Why does it do that? And how can I get it to stop. I've had it for what...2 years or something and I hate that.

And how much extra would it cost me to hop over to Amsterdam while I'm in England? Just for a day or two? If you are nice, do the research for me. Or if you live in Amsterdam...and want to like pick me up at the airport and take me to a "coffee shop" and then take me back to the airport...lemme know. I need an Amsterdam break in a really bad way.