May 6, 2007

May 06, 2007

A big fat lie

Okay, so when people ask me if I watch TV, I usually say "No". To be perfectly honest, that isn't true. My eyes do view the screen of the television when it's on, if it interests me. Problem is.....it's very hard to keep me interested.

So, I end up watching crap like "Modern Marvels" and shit. It's short, it's flashy, it's loud and it has frequent commercial breaks. As a matter of fact, I like commercials. Or that one about the filthiest jobs in the world! That one is cool. The dude is amusing at times, too.

I watched "Project Runway" when I remembered it was on. One of my kids would remind me. I developed very strong emotional feelings towards the "designers", though. It ended up being far too taxing and stressful for me to watch. That was how "Top Chef" was, too. I don't even cook, and I was really mad or sad or insulted or whatever during that show. I had to stop watching.

I watched "The Surreal Life" a couple of times, but got too wrapped up in it. I know this is shallow and crappy of me. This is why I would only watch on marathon Sundays....I'd watch a whole season in one day.

OhmyGAWD, I just remembered another one I'm terribly ashamed of....I watched "Laguna Beach"....not the first one...the second one. Why???? I don't know. While I was watching these doses of morphine for the brain, I would do other stuff....like work-related stuff. I could even LEAVE THE HOUSE...run errands, come home and watch some more and it didn't even matter if I'd missed 2 or 3 episodes.

We have cable, but it's wasted on me, for the most part. (Except, of course, for Josh Bernstein...I watch him. I'd watch him read a phone book, though. Silently.)
The kids watch it, my husband watches all the military crap and airplane crap and if there is a submarine involved, he is RIVETED. So, I'll hear people talk about shows and then I'll wait and order them all from Netflix and watch them all in a row....like The Sopranos...that is how I watched that show every season. Yeah, I am always like a year late, but I don't care much. Then I watch them all and get on an Italian kick, and people end up saying, "Why do you sound like you are from New Jersey?" when I generally have a Southern accent. And since I don't cook, we have to go to Italian restaurants and I order red wine, although I don't care for it.

That is how I became enamored of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". AWESOME show, as I'm sure you are all aware. I almost cried when we reached the last episode. Seriously. I love Larry David. My husband says I am like the wife in that show, but we have kids, and I am the Jew. So, not like her at all, I guess. I rather see myself like Carmela when I'm watching a season of "The Sopranos", except I'm not Italian, my husband isn't an overweight Mafia boss who is strangely irresistibly sexy and dangerous and crude and horrible, yet loveable and sweet all at the same time, and my kids are good. Oh and I'm not Catholic.

Well, my newest COMPLETE AND TOTAL OBSESSION is "The Office". (You should know I actually just typed "The Orifice"...look that up in some Freudian book...)

ANYhow..."The Office". Yeah. The U.S. version with Steve Carrell. I haven't seen the British version. Yes, I know it came first. Meh. Like I care. Steve Carrell is HIfuckinglarious. I would like it MORE if Clive Owen were in it. That is purely because he is hot as freakin' magma, though. Don't know what he'd bring to the whole comic element...THING. Don't much care. Just wanna drool over him. Oh, yeah...plus he's British....English....UK-ian....whatEVer. That was the tie-in there. The segue, if you will. Or even if you won't.

I also realize I'm like 2 or 3 years behind the trend here. I do not care. I'm confident enough to not give a shit. (Or I just don't give a shit, that's possible, too.) That show is a fucking laugh riot.

I worked at Dunder Mifflin, but it wasn't a paper company. It was an insurance company and I worked as a receptionist like Pam. And it wasn't named "Dunder Mifflin". Then I got "promoted" to accounts payable. Wow. That's all I can say about that. I worked for people like Steve Carrell's character, but they WEREN'T AS KICK ASS. It sucked the life out of me slowly. Thank GOD I'm not doing that anymore. Because it's funny as hell to watch and slap my thigh and say "OhmyGAWD, he's such an ASSHOLE!!!!!", but it was sheer grinding hell to have to live it every damned day.

It would have been a damned sight BETTER if Clive Owen had been there, but alas.....
Hell, it would have been a damned sight better if Steve Carrell had been there.

But no. No exceptionally good-looking people work where I have ever worked. (Yes, I realize I am putting myself in that group. I don't care about that. What's.in.it.for.ME?) Same goes for funny people. Or if there ARE funny people there; if you laugh, you get penalized.

But back to TV. If the kids aren't home, or my husband isn't home, the TV is turned off. We got this big assed fancy plasma thing in the living room, right? I don't know how to turn it on. I have finally admitted it. Here. On my blog. I can't turn on my new television. I haven't really TRIED, because it isn't worth the effort. The one in the bedroom is easy and I'm used to it and it has the DVD and all that hooked up and I don't have to say, "Which button do I push?"
My nephew could do the DVR and record all of "Blue's Clues" when he was 3. My brother realized the freakin' TV was recording "Blue's Clues" everytime it came on ANYWHERE like...in the whole fucking solar system. I can't turn the freakin' thing ON.

I wonder if Netflix has a "How to turn on your big-assed Plasma TV" video guide hosted by Clive Owen?