March 31, 2007

March 31, 2007

So I found these people..

I found some AWESOME friends, y'all! Problem is...they are dead. I had no clue I could find Thomas Hardy, Jane Austen and people like that here. But I did. And I added them just to see what would happen. So far, nothing has happened, which is vaguely disappointing. I keep hoping they will reach out from the grave and communicate via MySpace. Why MySpace, I have no freakin' clue..but there ya go. I keep hoping.

Thomas Hardy would be a VERY sad dude to be friends with, but DAMN I love his writing. He had to be the most pessimistic guy ever. Seriously. However, I'd still like to talk to him occasionally. Just a "Hey Tommy, how's it goin' today?" type deal, ya know? He'd probably actually tell me how horrible and fruitless all endeavors are in life, but still...

So...what else? Ummmmm.....I'm not speaking to Sanford right now. I will not go into it. Suffice it to say he is being an asshat. Just take my word for it. I speak only the truth. Ever. Marriage is a damned hard assed thing, people. HARD, I TELL YOU. Worth it, but HARD AS HELL.

So, it's about time for Passover. It's important in the grand Jewish scheme of things. My kids groan about it. My husband, who is not any religion, doesn't care. I am upset because I can't find my plate. The pesach plate thingie. The one with all the separated compartments, people! Ugh! Where would it be? It's not like I would use it any other time of the year! If I can't find it, is that a sign I shouldn't have a Seder? No! Oh my Gosh! I never said that!

Okay, here's something else I am doing now. I bought this stuff called "pure food". Insert capital letters yourself. I'm too lazy. Anyhow, I've gotten interested in supplements and stuff, so I bought this stuff that is basically all the green vegetables you're supposed to eat and all that crap. You mix it with water and choke it down and pretend it's DELISH! It's not. It's horrid. But I'm driking that everyday. It's like drinking powdered asparagus with some fennel thrown in. Mmmmm!
I guess I'm just the glowing picture of health now. Next I'm supposed to do a "cleanse" or a "detox". And everybody says you're supposed to get colon hydrotherapy first. Okay. Few problems with that.

1. That is an exit. Not an entrance. Period.
2. Who decides who is qualified to shove a hose up my ass and turn on water? Who? Is there a governing body who tests these people?
3. What freak decided it was a good idea to shove water up someone's ass and intestines in the first place? Aren't you shoving everything further UP there?
4. Couldn't you technically do the same thing with your garden hose?
5. With K-Y Jelly?
6. Gross, right? Same thing. This is what I'm saying, people. Same damned thing.

So. No colon hydrotherapy for me. No thanks. How did humanity get along before the 20th century when some pervert who got off on having stuff shoved up his ass decided it would be more accepted if he said it was for health purposes told everyone to shove pressure washers up their asses for their good colon health? How? I'll tell you how...they let nature take it's course. They took a crap everyday or whenever they needed to. If they hadn't done it in awhile, they ate some freakin' OATMEAL, people!

Drink water. That helps, too. Geez. It isn't rocket science. I don't know how I got off on this tangent, but this is how I live. Welcome to it.
Currently reading:
The Gilded Chamber: A Novel of Queen Esther
By Rebecca Kohn