July 2, 2007

July 02, 2007

WTF?
So, my Mom is nuts. She comes out with these random assed demands and comments that are just not normal. The other day she told me:

"I had a dream that my mother was alive again."

Me: Uh-huh...
Mom: She was young and beautiful again..
Me: Well....she was young once, but beautiful?
Mom: WELL! I THOUGHT SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL WHEN I WAS A CHILD!
Me: Uh-huh..
Mom: In my dream, she was beckoning to me....she was saying, 'come to me...come...come....come be with me...."
Me: Uhhhh....creepy...
Mom: She wanted me to be with her.
Me: Mom...she's dead. She wanted you to be dead with her?
Mom: Yeah!
Me: Well,that's disturbing..
Mom: No...it's not. She just wants me....
Me: Dude...she's DEAD. Are you saying your mother is trying to kill you? Like her ghost? Her spirit?
Mom: Well, not KILL me...but she wants me to come be with her.
Me: Uhhhhh...so.....she doesn't want to KILL you, but she wants you DEAD....
Mom: yeah! But i can't go yet.
Me: you can't?
Mom: Oh, no!
Me: Uhhhh...dare I ask why?
Mom: I have work to do , still!
Me: Do you think Grandma's ghost CARES? Or is she going to take that under advisement?
Mom: Oh. i don't know.

And that was our whole freakin' conversation.

Then, we were walking through a department store the other day, and we were walking through the lingerie department. She sees a beautiful peignoir set. It had a totally worthless bed jacket. It was gorgeous, but that was all it was good for...the beauty of it. It was sheer white, white very pale roses embroidered on it and it cost almost $200 for just the little bolero-like bed jacket. She stopped in front of it and tells me, Sanford and my father who she is separated from, but still married to:

"When I'm dying, and in the hospital...I want to wear this set. Okay? OKAY? DO YOU YEAR ME? PROMISE?'
I said, "Sure...then we'll ship you off to a cheap ass hourly hotel downtown and have KFC delivered to you everday..."
Now, she isn't ill...she is in her early 60s..no reason for this shit.

Now, on to the real business. I have my boys back. We had to go pick them up in Dallas. At DFW. Big airport, right? My ex...(AKA: Sphincter) paid to fly the boys home on some dipshit airline called "ATA". Sanford calls it "Mohammed ATA" airline. (Mohammed Atta was one of the 9/11 hijackers). Anyhow, we get to the airport in PLENTY..and I do mean PUUUUUULEEEEEEEHHHHNNNTY of time. I go up to FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING DIPSHIT ASS SUCKING ATA airlines ticket counter. I tell them I'm picking up two minor children. They check their little ticky tack computer...sure enough, my two children are on the plane. Great. Excellent. Good to know. Plane is a little late. Fine. We pretty much expect that now-a-days, don't we? Then the stupid assed fucking bitch woman working the desk who evidently relishes this part of her job says..."Says here one of the kids is 14..."

Me: Yes. one of them is. The other is 11. Can i please get a pass to meet them at the gate?

Fucking whore bitch: No. The extra fee wasn't paid to classify them as "unaccompanied minors" The 14 year old is considered an adult accompanying the 11 year old. They will have to find their way to the baggage claim.

Me: Excuse me? They can't possibly find their way to the baggage claim from the gate by themselves. They are expecting me to be at the gate to meet them. They are children. The last time I was able to meet them. I'll give you my driver's license, my wallet, my purse..whatever you wish....but I need to be able to meet them at the gate, please.

Fucking whore assed bitch who thought she was in charge: No. You can't go. Wait at baggage claim. NEXT.

Me: What? This is ridiculous. Is there someone I can speak with?

Now, this is when you realize airports will have your ass escorted right the hell out of airports these days. My fucking name is on the homeland security list because I attempted to buy medicine from our arch nemesis CANADA....no way they'll let ME do anything. Damned assholes. However, a delivery truck was parked outside the terminal for 2 hours. Comforting.

So, we meanwhile tried to contact that effin' goddamned airline everyway we could...meanwhile...their incompetent ticket counter fucking CLOSED..it wasn't even 7pm yet. THEY CLOSED. Their plane lands. The way DFW is set up, you can't see the gates...people are coming through the revolving doors...pretty soon, nobody else is coming through...I am getting a sick feeling in my stomach. Sanford goes to tell the security people...their response was "You'll have to call the airlines 800 number..." He said "Fuck that" and called 911 and reported two missing children in the airport.
Meanwhile, I found the hapless baggage agent and and went up to him and said
"You get on your phone, you call the gate and you find my two children, and do NOT tell me to go to your worthless counter, it's closed...my two children are missing and I'll tear this airport apart if they are not in my arms in two minutes..." He never said a word, but picked up his phone and then said, "Are they 11 and 14?" and I said, "Yes." and he said, "They are being brought up...they were lost.."
FUCKING LOST. the 11 year old was in tears. They came through the revolving doors and into my arms and I find out they had asked flight attendants, the gate agent and several other people where they were to go. NOBODY helped them. They finally found a security guard who showed them where to go. People kept telling them "Baggage claim E31" Swell. WHERE THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?!? I am so mad STILL.

THEN...we get home and I start unpacking their suitcases and there is a notice from the NTSA stating that the suitcase had been hand searched. Inside was two hunks of modeling clay. Hmmmm...in an X-ray it happens to look like C4. No wonder they had to hand search. Not ONLY did they open it, but they ripped open the packaging and took samples of the clay. THEN, I found a fake human SKULL in the suitcase. Evidently the boys got a fucking CSI kit. And the SPHINCTER thought putting that shit in a suitcase to send it home was okay. THAT IS WHY THEIR PLANE WAS 1 1/2 HOURS LATE LEAVING. They had to test the damned clay and make sure it wasn't an actual skull in their suitcase.
MY EX HUSBAND IS POSSIBLY THE DUMBEST HUMAN EVER.
And ATA airlines are ASS MUNCHERS.

OH! And I overheard a man say this as he walked past the baggage carousel: "Well, the FINALLY found my FISH!"