Saturday, July 10, 2010

August 12, 2007

August 12, 2007


So. They are back. Evidently, the memo has expired. The Mormons have come back to my house. Now, no offense to Mormons, but I don't want ANYONE coming to my home to sell me anything, including religion. For a long time, the Mormons left us alone. See, wayyyyy back in the day, before I knew Sanford...he attended the Mormon...church...whatever because he was dating some Mormon chick. Anyhow, once they have your name....that's it. Once we married, they kept coming to the door. Well, they didn't know Sanford had married a bonafide Jewess. So, at first I was nice. (ish). I'd tell them we weren't interested. Go away. Please leave. See the "No soliciting" sign? That means you, pink cheeks. Finally, one day...when my youngest child was about 4....they showed up. I answered the door...two very young men were standing there in their short sleeved white shirts, holding their bike helmets. I'm sure I rolled my eyes. I opened the door and one said, "Good morning! Is________home?" and I said, "Nope. And I'm a Jew." As I got ready to shut the door, one of them said, "Well, is there anything we can do for you today?" and so I said, "Sure. You could mow the lawn or vacuum...how's that sound?"
I was met with blank stares. They actually said, "No, that's okay....bye." and left. Yay!

But they returned. Sanford was home. I was not. The thing about Sanford is...he'll invite ANYBODY in. Seriously. He doesn't care what time it is...what state of undress anyone is in....come one, come ALL!!!! And he wants to talk about JESUS! Not because he's a Christian, but because he is curious. He is one of those people who is searching...he would probably be happiest digging around in ancient tombs somewhere. He loves to debate...he loves to discuss and argue.....Faith is not something he is prepared to accept. He wants PROOF. And if you say you believe something, he wants you to really get into it and discuss it with him, and believe me...he has discussed it with some of the most respected minds from almost all religions in the world.....he THRIVES on it. However, most people don't go for that, you know? Don't go tell a sweet old Catholic man that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married....he doesn't wanna think about that...he doesn't wanna hear any of your so-called proof....just leave him alone!
So...anyhow....Sanford LOVES that shit......and one time, the Mormons came when I wasn't here. And Sanford brought them into the house and put them through their paces. He knows EVERYTHING about Joseph Smith and all that jazz. When I got home, he was in our backyard with them. I walked into the kitchen, and I was on my cell phone talking to my Mom, and I gasped..."Huuuuhhhhhh! There are Mormons in my backyard, Mom! What do I do?" and she said, "Call the POLICE!" and then I saw Sanford talking to them. So, I knew they were invited. He was showing them the Maypole and the standing stones he erected for when he practices Earth religions. Our whole backyard is EXTREMELY symbolic. It's just shitting symbolism. Which is cool. I've worked hard on the the gardens, and Sanford puts up signs and plaques and we put in fountains and ponds and fire pits and it's pretty awesome. We were married there. Anyhow, after he got hold of the Mormons and wouldn't let them leave...they never came back! SCORE! Until a few days ago. Someone knocked on our door...and Sanford went to answer it, because I don't answer doors or phones. But he never came back. So, I went and looked, and my daughter and the youngest boy were with me, and I actually accidently shrieked out : "MORMONS!" and my son said, "There's morons out there?" and my daughter said, "Well, yeah, but that's not what she said....why is Dad talking to Mormons?"
And I had to go sit down and calm down because I was pissed. So, I told the kids about their Dad's previous foray into Mormonism. My son said, "Where's my kippah? I 'll wear it outside and they'll go away!" I told him his kippah is not a costume to be worn to scare people. Little fart. So then, we decided the best course of action was for me to go offer the boys a beer. Hell, a coke or coffee would be as bad, probably. Anyhow, I used going to get the mail as my excuse, but when I flung the front door open, the two fresh-faced Mormon boys jumped ten feet in the air and Sanford did, too. I walked out, stood in the middle of them and said,

"Do these dudes know I'm a Jew and our kids are Jews?" and then I looked at the Mormon kids and their mouths were open and one of them ACTUALLY SAID: and I shit you not...."EWWWWW she's a JEW?" and I said, "Yup. Shalom" and Sanford started shifting from foot to foot and he said, "um, no....I was telling them about....." and I stalked off to the mailbox. As I stalked back up the walk, I said, "If you don't come back into the house VERY SOON, I'll come out wailing the Shema."

And I went back in. Well, he was out there another 5 or so minutes. You'd think when people see a mezuzah on a door frame...they'd at least WONDER what it was....and not freakin' TRY TO CONVERT THE JEWS INSIDE. So, while we were in the house waiting so I could rip Sanford a new one, my son said, "So, Mom....what is it called when they try to drown you?" And it took me a minute but I said, "You mean getting baptised?" and he said, "Is that when you get in water?" and I said, "Yeah..I think you can just get it sprinkled on your head, though...I'm not sure. I don't know....you're not Baptised, neither is your sister or brother..." and then he said...

"Puh! I KNOW! I EAT MEAT!" My daughter and I just stared at him a minute. Then we said, "What?" He said, "I know I'm not baptised...I eat meat! I'm a carnivore! Jeez!!!!!"

So, we had to figure out what the HELL he was talking about. He somehow had baptism and vegetarianism mixed up in his mind. Then you throw Kosher in there, and he was WAY mixed up.

Which reminds me of something else he said. We were talking about the merits of his sibling's middle school vs. the middle school he'll be attending. Their middle school required uniforms. His does not. As parents we liked the uniforms. The kids hated the uniforms. We were talking about this...and my youngest son's opinion of uniforms was this..."They are stupid! Everyone looks alike!"

He is my happy child. Thank God. He also decided a few years ago that Sanford was African American. (He isn't. Although his skin is quite "swarthy" as my mother says...) My son went around telling everyone his Dad is African American. Why? Because it was February. My son was in Kindergarten and it was African American history month. He wanted to be part of the celebration. He.is.one.of.a.kind. Sanford is causasian and part of his mother's family was from Portugal wayyyyyyyy back a long time ago. His skin is just sort of always tanned looking.....some people think he is Hawaiian or Samoan...but he isn't. He is 100% crazy, though.

And me and my kids have not been baptised. We eat meat. Oh! And I went to a Baptist University! I'm a freakin' UN.

1 comment:

dizzymonkey said...

There are times when you remind me of Molly Ivins. Or what she would have written if she had children, was Jewish and married to a crazy husband. I'm thoroughly enjoying these missives....