April 13, 2005

2005-04-13

I wish I was a lesbian.

I have a new confidence since I had my "procedure". I got my boobs reduced and in the process, my awesome plastic surgeon lifted them suckers and tightened them up and I'm pretty freakin' perky now. Let me give some background here: I developed fairly early. And when I say 'developed' I mean....I MORPHED. One day I was a normal 12 year old girl with a flat chest like other kids. The next day I was walking down the hall at school and noticed something freakin' BOUNCING on my chest and I look down and I had huge ass BREASTS. And shit went downhill from there.

I don't care how much anyone longs for a "womanly" figure...it is not right for a 12 year old child to get ogled by men. It isn't. And the 12 year old girl child notices, people. She does. And she is uncomfortable. It scars her emotionally. She ends up hating those freakin' boobs. I'm really small. Petite. I'm LESS than 5'2". And I had the chest of Mae West at the age of 12. And it never got smaller. It just stayed that way. No matter what I did. I was active, even though the chest made that difficult.

AnyHOW..Meh. Fast forward past all that angst and shit. I even breastfed two kids. Woo! Yay for me! I was a one woman "Le Leche League"! I get the time and opportunity to have them suckers taken OFF, and I do it.
Needless to say, I was and am thrilled. Absolutely THRILLED with the result. No complaints. I was immediately happy with it. I woke UP happy from the surgery. In my Mother's words..."Now, you're PERFECT...God just messed up on your bosom..." Yeah. Pretty much. He screwed it up big time. Anyhow...now I'm all in proportion and I am on the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Since I'm very small, my boobs naturally needed to be very small. And that is what I wanted. REALLY small boobs. I told the doctor I wanted to be able to wear those round bandaids as a bra.

Anyhow, so now that I'm all confident, I can wear stuff I couldn't wear before. Tiny shirts, stuff that you can't wear a bra with....the sort of stuff I've NEVER been able to wear. And even though I am rather obsessed with my new boobs, I have assumed that with my new small boobs, OTHER people do not notice my chest. There isn't much there to notice, right? Yes, they are mightily perky...but there isn't much there. And I like it. I can go braless or I can buy itty tiny gorgeous wisps of lace masquerading as bras. And I assumed my boobs were flying under the radar.

Wrong. Freakin' men. Goddamned men, man.

I'm sitting at my computer wearing a hot pink tank top the other day, and Sanford comes up to me and makes it known to me that he wants to get busy. With me. And I said "Why? Why right now?"

He says the following to me:

"Well, today and yesterday you've been wearing those little shirts...and I can see your nipples...and ....

He continued speaking, but after he said the part about my NIPPLES...this roaring sound overtook me and I started shrieking. "What?!?! My WHAT?!?!? My nipples have been showing?? Why didn't you say something? My God! We were at the movies! We were at restaurants! We were with our CHILDREN! Holy crap! Oh.MY.GOD! This is disgusting! I must look like a prostitute! I am your WIFE! How can you let your WIFE walk around like that and not you know...GIVE ME A FUCKING HEADS UP! DUDE! COME ON! We are decent people! What is your fucking PROBLEM???? JESUS CHRIST! SHOULD I JUST BECOME A FREAKIN STRIPPER? WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? IS THAT SEXY, TOO?"

This whole time, Sanford is sitting there....and he is mumbling protests...but the entire freakin' time...the WHOLE time...his eyes are RIVETED to my FREAKIN' DAMNED chest. THAT. PERVERT.

So I slugged him on the shoulder and said "You are staring at my chest right now, you filthy thing! If you had a damned woody, I'd tell YOU! Why on earth would you think nipples showing are sexy? What is sexy about that? That is simply the spot where a BABY LATCHES ON TO GET MILK, YOU SLIME! OR IT MEANS I WAS COLD!"

I stopped hollering in order to catch my breath and get the hair out of my face....and I looked at Sanford to see if he was sufficiently ashamed of himself...

He said, "So...is that a no, then? You don't wanna do it? You nipples look sexy right now..."

I wish I was a lesbian. I really do.