October 17, 2004

1:21 p.m. - 2004-10-17
God strikes us dead
OK, here's the deal. I'm married to a very nice guy. He's insane, though. He likes to dig around in trash dumpsters. He got into the habit when he was a cop. He had his little route of dumpsters he'd hit while he was out and about keeping the streets safe for law abiding citizens. Now that he is retired, he still hits those dumpsters pretty regularly.

So, as a result I have a lot of crap all over the place. This is crap that nobody else wanted. I have probably 30 lava lamps. I adore lava lamps, but 30 lava lamps is too fucking many lava lamps. It's like living on the set of "Sanford and Son". As a matter of fact, I call him "Sanford", and he answers to it. If anyone knows where I can get a t-shirt with a picture of Sanford on it, let me know. I want it.

The other day, I made the mistake of telling Sanford that I want to get one of those misting systems on our deck like they have at amusement parks. I went outside and found an old decrepit box fan tied to the top of my deck(which has a very lovely grape vine...very shady!) and an old bright green garden hose running up the posts of the deck and around the perimeter of the top tied with some plastic clip things. It looked like a Nazi torture device. The hose ran all the way to the back of the box fan. All of that had a bright orange outdoor electric cord running from it down the post of the deck into the ground.

I was standing there staring at it in horrified stupefaction when Sanford came outside whistling through his teeth(which he does way too much) and he stopped and proudly asked me what I thought of his invention.
I asked him what it was and he told me that it was his own "misting system" for our deck.
In other words, he had invented a contraption that would shoot lightning bolts out of it at our children and pets while they were on our deck.
Water
Electricity

Not good. He is not an electrician. He cannot operate a telephone answering machine. He stares at it like it will steal his soul or something, and he decided to wire up an old box fan and water hose with electricity?

God help us all.