November 7, 2004

2004-11-07
Do you take one finger or two?

Okay. I know I said I wouldn't talk about my offspring. But hell. I have to tell this.

I have these two male children. They are pretty much hysterically funny and brilliant, naturally. They will make someone someday a very hysterical brilliant spouse or partner or whatever. I admit, I hope it's a spouse because that will be an easier life, but I won't kill myself if they were to not be heterosexual. But I think they are heterosexual. I don't even know where that just came from.

Anyhow.

They say shit that floors my ass. And then it gets reported back to me because we live in a hayseed podunk piece of shit town that voted overwhelmingly for goddamned Bush.

But I digress......

One conversation between my eldest when he was 5 years old and his friend:

Friend of my son: "My Mommy goes to her job everyday, that is why my Grandma picks me up from school...."

My son: "My Mommy doesn't work...she shops..."

The grandma reported this to me. How pleased and proud I was of myself and my child. Yeah. I shop. At the freakin' grocery store. Anyhow...

So...our YOUNGEST is now in 3rd grade. And his best friend is an only child who insists that his mother come and eat lunch with him at least twice a week, which is really a good thing to do, in my opinion. And she has the time to do it. So, she gives us the low-down on the lunchroom conversation. Or rather, she gives Sanford the low-down since he is now Mr. Mom since he retired, and then Sanford gossips it back to me.
This was the conversation at the lunch table Friday:

One child said to the mother:
"Mrs. __________ is it true that when you hold up your middle finger you are saying I hope you go to the Devil and that God will get mad at you?"

Mrs. ___________: "Well, I don't really think God has time to worry about little things like that, so no, I don't think so..but it's not nice to hold up your middle finger. You shouldn't do it."

MY precious angelic child: "THAT'S RIGHT! PLUS! MY Mommy said that holding up the middle finger has NOTHING to do with the Devil anyhow! AND, PLUS, you have to hold up BOTH of your middle fingers to mean "go to the devil"! My Mommy does THAT all the TIME!"

All of the young scholars at the table take my son's word as gospel for some reason and now it is written in stone that to say "go to the Devil", one must hold up both hands, and flip off a person with both hands.

Allow me to interject something here:
1. I do not believe in Satan.
2. I have told my children that.
3. I have told them I do not think flipping off someone has anything to do with the Devil or Satan or anything of that nature.
4. I do not go around flipping off people.
5. I certainly do not go around giving people double flip offs no matter how tempted I may be, and how very satisfying it may be.(in front of my children that is....)
6. My children would be strung up by their toes if they EVER flipped anyone off.

So. Now I am a compulsively shopping randomly flipping off mother who never has lunch at the school with her child and I evidently think that a double flip off means go to the devil.
Thank God the mother who heard this knows me. She knows I only flip off one finger at a time.