April 11, 2005

2005-04-11

Things that make me crazy

Here is some random stuff that I cannot stand. And when I say I cannot STAND it, I mean...it makes me insane. Insane to the point that I could quite easily mow down large groups of people with a machine gun. And I even have one of those things! (A machine gun, that is...)

THINGS THAT MAKE ME REALLY CRAZY:

1. Loud food. Like "crispy taco shells". It should be illegal. And what dumbass thought up POPCORN as a movie food? It's LOUD. I don't want to listen to some dipshit digging his hand through a bucket of popcorn and then shovel a fistful of it into his piehole and SMACK IT WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN while I'm trying to hear a goddamned MOVIE! And it seems that nobody can just get a few kernels of popcorn. NO. They have to freakin' DIG through the damned bucket for 20 minutes before they extricate more popcorn than could POSSIBLY fit in their mouth..then they attempt to force it into their gaping orifice. And when they open their mouth to attempt to fit their popcorn-shedding fist, they make a sound that is a cross between a gag and a growl or a grunt or something. I do not like it. STOP IT.

2. People who hit their teeth with their silverware. Holy crap. I am getting worked up just thinking about it. Don't do this, people. It's just wrong. It's bad for your teeth, it's bad for my mental state. It's an amazingly horrid sound. It makes me literally raise up out of my seat like one of those Swami guys..I just hover with my hair standing straight up on end...GOD how can a person stand to DO that? My brother had this girlfriend years ago...she was very Goth..after I was Goth, so she was dorky as far as I was concerned. Anyhow, she wore black lipstick that she was VERY careful with. Being THAT careful with her lipstick sort of made her a joke to me...dude..if you are THAT careful, you can't be all Goth. It doesn't jive. Yo. I'm George Jefferson, now.
Anyhow, she was SO careful with it that she would curl her lips back from her teeth when she ate so as not to let the lipstick touch the silverware...SO...she would SSSSCCCRRRAAAAAAAPE the silverware with her fangs. Teeth. Whatever. She thought she was a bat or something.

3. I just heard that President Bush has "My Sharona" on his IPOD. I am stupefied. He also has "Centerfield" by John Fogerty. How predictable. But "My Sharona"???? God. I'm crushed. Frankly, I'm surprised he can work an IPod. Sanford cannot work mine. Which is fine with me.
He would try to erase my Beastie Boys version of "Bennie and the Jets" But Bush has "My Sharona"? Dude.

Another thing I don't like, but it doesn't make me CRAZY-

I can tell people I know complete and utter lies such as:

"I was standing in my garage and a guy came running in the garage and ran past me into the house and hid in the bathroom...I got my gun and kicked in the bathroom door, and took him out to Sanford and the cops who were out there because the neighbor's burglar alarm was going off, so they were there and Sanford was out there shooting the shit with his old buddies.."

and I can embellish it with stuff like what the kid was wearing and shit...

AND THEY BELIEVE ME. I'm not a "get the gun and kick in the door" type gal. I'm a "run screaming out the door with urine running down my legs begging for help" type gal.

But people believe that I do very bizarre, outlandish things. I'm pretty normal, actually. Really.